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Should I stay or should I go?? Advice needed please!

(4 Posts)
Thinker03 Sun 29-May-16 12:59:50

Talk Divorce/separation
Should I stay or should I go? Really need advice please!!1
Today 11:05 Thinker03

Hi guys!!

This is my first time posting on here. I read all the time, I really just have no where to turn.

I don't really know where to start and I hope this won't be too long but I want to try and give as much information as I can...

I have been married to my DH for just over two years but we have been together for 16 years! We had our first child together when we were in our teens and 'very much in love' and inseparable we had another child when our DS started primary school then got married and had our last!

My DH is a very good dad and the children adore him. More than they do me I secretly believe as he is "fun" and doesn't strictly enforce the house rules! He is not work shy at all and works very hard to provide selflessly for the family. In every decision he makes his family ALWAYS comes first day in day out. That's the plus side.

The problem that although he is not violent he is VERY VERY VERY AGRESSIVE!! & Confrontational with profanity being used to express both his anger and frustration to his joy!
I have tried for years to figure out why he is the way he is but over the years I have just become worn out tired and fed up because his attitude and aggression is the basis of our weekly (often heated) arguments.

Trust me I can and often do give as much as I get!! And that's when he backs down the most But when the children are around I always try to diffuse the argument making it into more of a debate or i just say "ok whatever" and I dont argue back. Most of the time my DH ends up apologising and laughing it off. The kids are no way scared of him apart from quite naturally when he is telling them off.

I am just so worn out by all the arguing stemming from his aggression, one minute everything would be fine then if I do something that 'frustrates or annoys' him he will flip out shout and swear. Then most of the time apologise after.

His family know what he's like as over the years we've argued loads in front of them. They refer to him as "ticking time bomb" but they also put him on a pedalstall because he is such a loyal son brother uncle hands on hard working father and they brush aside this IMO major flaw.

I spend part of the week feeling lucky that I have 3 wonderful lovely children, a home a job a DH who loves his family but the other part feeling so low and depressed that we argue so much and that he is so confrontational and often derogotive.

When we argue we can sometimes not speak for a couple of days I will stay upstairs on my phone in the evenings after work and the kids will prefer to be around their dad. His line of work has always allowed him to be able to pick and drop kids to school as I work in town. They love me as I am the one who always plans the exciting trips holidays meals extra curriculum activities etc but I guess they do get to spend more time during week with their dad.

My DS who is almost 15 loves his family unit and hasn't seemed to notice how turbalent it is at times describing me and his father's relationship towards each other as beautiful although sometimes repellent. He said "dad loves and protects you so much" and "when I grow up I want to be just like dad...minus the swearing and I want my wife to be just like you I know you guys argue at times but you always kiss and make up and that's what matters"...

What he doesn't know is that I at times I am just so unhappy I often fantasise how life would be without my DH. Then snap back into reality when I think it just wouldn't work out logistically with three kids. I think how selfish it would be of me to put my happiness before theirs. I put a smile on my face every day to my kids family and Co workers and so NOBODY knows but you guys how I feel deep down and that is that I hate my life so much at times wishing that I didn't have children for a person who doesn't "select his battles" nip picking me into the ground.

BTW we have had lots of talks about this he says sorry acknowledges wrongs then does same thing week after. 😩

Should I run away??

happypoobum Sun 29-May-16 13:26:08

Usually when someone is posting this question "should I stay or go" on an anonymous forum, it's clear that they are very unhappy and should go.

Are you afraid of him? Will you be safe if he knows you are leaving? Do you have RL support?

I wonder why you think you have to "run away." You don't have to run away. You can tell him you are unhappy and the relationship is over.

HappiestMummyAlive Sun 29-May-16 13:27:44

The problem that although he is not violent he is VERY VERY VERY AGRESSIVE!!

That would be a reason for me to take my two children and leave him!

Thinker03 Sun 29-May-16 14:20:37

I'm not afraid of him one bit and it's three children I have the last being 1 years old. I only work part time and I just don't know how the family would function with just one parent.

My DH earns enough to pay the mortgage on our home and other house hold bills and I earn enough to cover groceries and a few utilities I just don't know how we would manage and I know the kids would miss him very badly and i fear that it would be for my own selfish reasons (my happiness) for breaking up their family unit where they feel so happy and secure.

I could just continue playing along and putting on a smile then I may feel resentment when I'm older for wasting my life!

Seems like it is a lot of 'I' and "me" that's why I am battling with what is best to do. Is there anyone out there like me who took the plunge left and is much happier???

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