DH paying compliments to XDP on FB (long)

[IDontWantToLookLikeYou]

Hello, long time member/lurker, posted a few times name changed a few times for no particular reason, really need some advice please.

My DH and I have been together for 29 years married for 21, I was 17, him 21 when we first met but unbeknown to me he was already in a relationship. Once I was aware I took a step back and told him I wasn't interested, he ensured me he was going to end the relationship. His DP at the time found out about my existence and started to harass me, from following me with her friends around town, or visiting me at Saturday job place of work making remarks etc. I chose to ignore her and got on with being me.

Months past with no contact between him and myself, then he appeared, no longer in a relationship desperately wanting to meet up. It took a couple months to persuade me he was over his ex, then we finally started dating.

Fast forward, married, a beautiful DD17 who is truly wonderful, we've had the normal ups and downs. DH and I very successful in our chosen professions, him finally being supportive with my mental health issues, I thought we were good.

So, when we decided our DD was old enough to have a FB account, I created one for myself purely to monitor her. DH is a SMS (social media slag) FB is his best friend, don't ask me why I viewed his account, never done so before, but I did. Lot's of photos of him, none of me but hey, looked at the comments and low and behold there's a post from his XDP, saying really nice things about him. I wasn't aware they were still in touch, so I went onto her page and viewed her photos and comments and there on each one is a post from my DH saying " Beautiful xxx" " Dammmmmn xxx" you get the idea... One post was made on my birthday, saying how 'beautiful' she looked.. They've been in contact for the last 3 years, most recent post was this month..

DH is out at a works do, I messaged him earlier asking is XXX your XDP? An hour or so later he replied " yes she was why?" then tried to call me, I didn't answer as I was driving.

What do I say to him when he returns home? I don't want to be a tearful mess, or sounding out of control...

[SandyY2K]

That must be hurtful.

I'd tell him the truth. That you set up FB to monitor DD and how you came across his comments about his X.

Then just say how you felt gutted and in a calm way, how would he feel if you made similar comments about an X, or an X made those comments on your page.

It's all the more hurtful because of how it all started back then which your DH is to blame for. He cheated on her with you.

I hope he's stopped his cheating ways from back then when he was younger as many affairs have started from reconnecting with X's on social media. It starts friendly then it's a slippery slope.

I mean if it's a family pic of the X and her DP/DCs I'd be fine with it,.but not complimenting lots of individual pics of her.

[Chinks123]

Oh that must have been hurtful to see. Some people may disagree but I wouldn't ok with my partner commenting on any woman's photo saying "wow/gorgeous" etc he is not a single man and it shows no respect to me. If it was an ex I would be fuming as that shows even less respect and is just not ok in my view.
I would just ask him, ask him why he felt the need to tell her those things and tell him it hurt your feelings and see how he responds.

[HarmlessChap]

I don't say things like that about any woman on FB, simply because DW doesn't like me paying compliments to other women.

[Marthacliffscumbag]

Harmlesschap, so the only reason you don't compliment other women on Facebook is because your wife doesn't like it?! Married men should not be leaving inappropriate comments on other women's pictures out of respect for their wives, not fear of getting in trouble! We all find other people attractive from time to time but the op's husband has been inappropriate, disrespectful and a bit sleazy tbh, obviously completely unaware that his wife can see exactly what he's been saying.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - that's got to hurt.
I'm sorry you found that.
I think you just need to tell him what you have told us.
Have you looked at his private messages on facebook?
Does she live close by?

[missybct]

There is being complimentary to someone - "That's a nice photo" or "Lovely photo of you and the kids/dogs/etc" and there is being what I would consider, flirty - i.e; "Damnnn xxx" - that last one in particular is what I see as a bit of a sleazy, pervy remark from a man who is trying to get the attention of the other party - in this case, someone he left a long time ago.

I wouldn't be very comfortable with the fact he lured you nearly 30 years ago whilst in a relationship with this woman either. That combined with the comments, would be making me ask questions.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

His DP at the time found out about my existence and started to harass me, from following me with her friends around town, or visiting me at Saturday job place of work making remarks etc. I chose to ignore her and got on with being me.

This alone means he is being massively disrespectful. I'd be very angry...

[HarmlessChap]

Harmlesschap, so the only reason you don't compliment other women on Facebook is because your wife doesn't like it?!

@Marthacliffscumbag yep that's about it! An example, one of my FB friends is a girl nearly 20 years younger then me, she's living with a friend who's about 12 years younger than me, I know them both through sport but I mix with him more than her.

She is a sweet girl but hugely insecure and last week she changed her hair colour and some of her mates started saying she shouldn't have etc. etc. she started getting all upset then her BF and some others waded in to say she looks great with the new look, ignore the comments etc. etc. and I was about to agree that she looked fab when I paused and thought that DW doesn't like it if I say that kind of thing to another woman so I didn't. I would not feel that I'd said anything inappropriate, its on a public forum along with her DP but I knew whether she said anything or not she would be find it inappropriate if she read it.

We have plenty of problems with our marriage without me adding to them, through being tactless. ;)

[pocketsaviour]

I think there's a big difference between "You're looking good!" and "I WANT TO BANG YOU" and after 30 presumably happy and monogamous years I wouldn't be sweating the small stuff.

[ChicRock]

Dammmmmn xxxxx isn't paying someone a compliment, it's a sleazy comment.

Ask him how he'd feel if some sleazy pervert made those kind of comments on your DD's pictures.

The comments added to the fact that he's been in touch with this woman for 3 years but has never mentioned it to you is not good.

[coco1810]

Wow! Are his balls still attached to his person because he'd be in danger of losing his if he were my DH! How utterly disrespectful and hurtful to you OP. You go and confront him about this! Me and DP have a rule on all social media that we don't add XP and if we're unsure who someone is, we simply ask.

Big hugs OP, your DH has been an absolute asswipe!