Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My father won't speak to me because I didn't answer my phone when he called

(17 Posts)
Skrewt Thu 26-May-16 11:32:32

He rang at 9:30pm. The house phone is on silent after 8pm as youngest DC is a light sleeper. I was upstairs chatting to DC and trying to get them to go to sleep. I didn't see that he had called til 11:30 (when I was on my way to bed) and he had left a shouty message saying to "for God's sake, answer your phone" he was phoning to confirm an arrangement to meet up the following day. I text him at 11:30pm saying I'd ring in the morning and when I did (at 8:30am) he shouted at me again for not answering my phone. I said I was busy with DC he says you should have your mobile with you - what if it's an emergency confused. Well I live several hours away from them so it wouldn't be me they'd be expecting to rescue them. When we met up he wouldn't look at me and only spoke to tersely answer my questions. We lasted 5 minutes before I said goodbye and left. It is likely he will not speak to me for months now. I am so upset. We have never had a good relationship - he has always given the impression that he thinks I am stupid but he is loyal and supportive in other ways (practical ways like fixing my car, filling my oil tank in winter, and so on) but to be honest I don't feel good about myself after any dealings with him. I don't know what I hope to achieve by posting this but I am so upset by this, I don't want to have to deal with him again.

AnthonyPandy Thu 26-May-16 11:47:01

Ask around to see who else can do your car and oil tank and don't engage with people who treat you shoddily.

AnthonyPandy Thu 26-May-16 11:49:30

And in my experience, some people work hard at making themselves 'indispensible' to you so you are less likely to say anything when they behave badly.

Believeitornot Thu 26-May-16 11:49:45

Honestly, he sounds like an emotionally abusive horrible man and I would be more than happy if he ignored me.

I know it is hard but he's your father and he's treating his own daughter in an appalling way. I would screw up the courage to tell him and find other people to help you or learn some of it yourself?

DorynownotFloundering Thu 26-May-16 11:57:53

What pathetic behaviour from one who should know better- ignore him & keep ignoring the sulks a you would a toddler.

If he wants contact he knows where you are, keep him updated on kids day to day nonsense on a superficial level, and accept help if he offers but don't ask for it & get someone else in so he doesn't have a "hold" on you.

You deserve better than that - just put it down to being a grumpy old man, and if he was nasty to you when younger he is just getting worse but that is down to HIM not any fault of yours so blow a mental raspberrry & disengage from his upsetting bad behaviour.

HarmlessChap Thu 26-May-16 12:22:41

You didn't contact back within 2 hours, big deal its not as though you were missing for 24 hours even then the appropriate reaction would be worry rather than spitefulness.

You are an adult, he has no right to speak to you like that. You could have been doing anything, you have no need to be immediately contactable by anyone.

I think you need to tell him that if he's going to behave like that he can do so without you in his life, and mean it.

Hockeynut Thu 26-May-16 12:28:18

He sounds like a nasty man. Be happy that he won't speak to you for several months. Men like this don't change and you will never win his approval. Live your life well, be happy with your own behaviour but I'd just keep things civil with Mr Nasty as and when he contacts you.

kerbys Thu 26-May-16 12:40:58

He wanted to know what was happening the next day so I get why he was unhappy. Ridiculously over the top reaction though.

Shayelle Thu 26-May-16 12:42:04

I'm sorry your Dad's made you feel crappy. I feel the same today - my partner and I went to see my Dad and his wife last week for a few days (they live in another country) thought we had a nice time (despite my Dad and his wife's consistent nasty little digs at me which I always bite my tongue and remain polite) until yesterday we spoke on the phone and he brought me back down to earth with a crashing thud by saying more upsetting things about us and our relationship. Despite being an adult their nasty attitude doesn't get any easier and still hurts. I am going to try and be a lot more distant from now. Can really do without the nastiness, bullying and aggression from my Dad and I'm sure you can too x

Shayelle Thu 26-May-16 12:44:00

I also get the feeling mine thinks I'm stupid and is patronising and puts me down. Don't even know why I let it upset me after 35 years and living in different countries!!

JellyBabiesSaveLives Thu 26-May-16 12:52:22

Well done for not wasting more than 5 minutes on him.

It is so hard - even as adults we desperately need our parents love and approval. Your dad is being foul and of course that is hurtful.

But you don't have to keep laying yourself open for more of the same. Enjoy the peace while he sulks. Leave it to him to get in touch. When he does, give as much or as little of your time and emotional energy as you want. And walk away the second he treats you badly.

RubbishMantra Thu 26-May-16 14:46:10

I get the same from my father, if I don't pick up the telephone, I get a whiny message asking why I didn't answer. Then more whining when I do pick up. It doesn't seem to occur to him that I don't spend my days sitting by the landline, and he won't try my mobile - too expensive!

When I was younger, when he berated of me for lack of contact I'd go into "adaptive child mode", and I'd try to appease him, and apologise. Now I just respond with a breezy, "oh really, I must've been out."

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 26-May-16 15:00:37

Sorry you're going through this, OP - I know exactly how you feel. My dad is very similar. Growing up, he made my life a fucking misery with this kind of emotional abuse, and I had to have psychotherapy to try and come to terms with some of the damage he did.

Whilst it eventually emerged that my dad has Huntington's disease, which explained a huge amount of his behaviour, there are things I just can't forgive, one of which was making me feel like his love for me was very much conditional. If I didn't act in a way he approved of, he withheld everything, emotionally and otherwise.

As PPs have said, try to take some of the control back here, and keep things on YOUR terms. That's what I had to do, and yes it's difficult, but your life will be a lot less stressful if you do flowers

Yoksha Thu 26-May-16 15:28:40

If I found out my Dh was treating our Dd in this manner, I'd tear him another one. Not acceptable behaviour OP. Detach from him. Yes yes to taking back power in this relationship. Who the fuck does he think he is?

MusicIsMedicine Thu 26-May-16 16:07:53

Read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward and look at Stately Homes thread here. He sounds like a narcissist who makes everything about him.

Oil top up takes 2 mins, you can learn this stuff easily yourself and be indepedent of him and his abusive nonsense.

Skrewt Thu 26-May-16 19:21:34

Even though our relationship has always been poor it's very hard to get perspective on your parents. I spoke to my mother today and while she didn't refer to it directly she did say she was worried he was getting too angry about things - irrationally so - and she's worried he may be "slipping". He's 72. Thing is he was like this all the time I lived at home, he improved once he retired but is back to being tetchy and rude again. I want to understand (and forgive) because maybe he is under pressure for some reason but I cannot get over the fact that he would not speak to one of his (many shock) friends like this. Your replies have helped me to stop crying over it though so thanks.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 26-May-16 19:34:56

Under pressure? Aren't we all? Why would that mean he's allowed to be a twat to his children?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now