Dp and I have been together for 5 years. I love him but his attitude to money is becoming a bigger and bigger problem, and I think we might have reached the tipping point. I am devastated at the thought of splitting but just don't see how I can trust him or build a real future with him.
When we got together I was a single parent in a good job, financially comfortable although certainly not wealthy etc. I rented a flat rather than owned (we're in London!) but have always been good with money, never go overdrawn etc. Dp is the exact opposite - unstable employment, debts etc. When we met he had a big plastic bag full of red letters from debt agencies etc, payday loans and so on. It did give me pause when we first met, but of course love conquered all at that stage, didn't it? I subbed him a fair bit, we rowed when he once took money from my purse without asking, he would visit the casino on a night out and spend £100+ but always seemed to win it back so that was 'ok'. I was uncomfortable about it all but I thought if he understood how I felt about gambling etc, or not really paying his way, things would change.
He wanted to retrain for a more secure career so I paid for his course, and subbed him now and then for living expenses (he didn't live with ds and I at the time). When he finished he got a fulltime professional job, we moved to a slightly bigger place so the three of us (me, ds, Dp) could have a 'proper' life together. It was more expensive but we did the sums together before we moved and on paper it looked like no problem. Dp actually wanted to move somewhere more expensive but I was wary of the strain that might put on us.
I knew that he wouldn't be able to match me for contributions to rent etc but we finally (after some angst and rows) came to an agreement that I thought was working. However, last month he's not paid anything towards the bills or rent. I have spent over £1600 covering household expenses etc. I asked him about it at the weekend and it ended up in a huge row. He told me that I was 'impossible' and tried to blame me for his lack of money, eg: we went on a weekend away a few weeks ago because I'd just had a miscarriage and he thought it would be nice for us. It was, but I told him before he booked it that he should spend the money on paying off debts etc.
However, what has transpired over the last couple of days is that he has been a) taking money out of our joint savings account, which we had earmarked for household necessities (that he insisted on!) and b) this afternoon I found out he has spent almost £300 pounds on online betting between Jan-March this year. He has packages arriving from Amazon etc every other day, comes home with a bottle of wine or beers pretty much every night. He said that's ok because he puts them on his credit card. He's only been allowed to have a credit card for the last year due to his previous debts.
He simply cannot make sensible decisions regarding money. Before I found out about the online betting, I told him that changes needed to be made and if I found out he'd kept anything else from me that would be it for us. He knew then about the betting, but didn't tell me. I feel as if I can't trust him anymore. I don't want to split, I do love him, but financial security is important to me (rightly or wrongly) and I don't know if I can live with a man who lies to me about something he knows is so important.
I feel like I've been taken for a mug. I feel as if he just expects me to fill in all the financial gaps, and he doesn't have to bother doing the grown up stuff like paying bills or keeping the roof over our head.
Part of me has just had enough. But would I be stupid to end a relationship over this? He is a good good man in many other ways and is great with ds, who will be really unhappy if we split. I don't know whether I'm a mug or a grabby cow.
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Relationships
DP is so crap with money and it's ruining our relationship
repeatingpatterns · 25/05/2016 20:40
The MN word for these type of guys are that they are a Cocklodger. So true. A grown man who cannot get his own life together and ends up putting the blame on you soon gets boring really quick.
You know what you have to do, don't you?
Been there, done that. At the end of the day there is no end to it until you put a stop to it.
Life is so much more preferable when you have all control over your life and money 
Oh god, I know, I know 
A month ago (on that weekend away!) we were talking about marriage. Now we're contemplating splitting. I asked him this evening if he thought, after everything that was said at the weekend, that I would be an idiot to continue the relationship. He said I would be.
Is there nothing that can be done, d'you think? I don't even know how to start having that conversation.
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