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DP is so crap with money and it's ruining our relationship

(95 Posts)
repeatingpatterns Wed 25-May-16 20:40:41

Dp and I have been together for 5 years. I love him but his attitude to money is becoming a bigger and bigger problem, and I think we might have reached the tipping point. I am devastated at the thought of splitting but just don't see how I can trust him or build a real future with him.

When we got together I was a single parent in a good job, financially comfortable although certainly not wealthy etc. I rented a flat rather than owned (we're in London!) but have always been good with money, never go overdrawn etc. Dp is the exact opposite - unstable employment, debts etc. When we met he had a big plastic bag full of red letters from debt agencies etc, payday loans and so on. It did give me pause when we first met, but of course love conquered all at that stage, didn't it? I subbed him a fair bit, we rowed when he once took money from my purse without asking, he would visit the casino on a night out and spend £100+ but always seemed to win it back so that was 'ok'. I was uncomfortable about it all but I thought if he understood how I felt about gambling etc, or not really paying his way, things would change.

He wanted to retrain for a more secure career so I paid for his course, and subbed him now and then for living expenses (he didn't live with ds and I at the time). When he finished he got a fulltime professional job, we moved to a slightly bigger place so the three of us (me, ds, Dp) could have a 'proper' life together. It was more expensive but we did the sums together before we moved and on paper it looked like no problem. Dp actually wanted to move somewhere more expensive but I was wary of the strain that might put on us.

I knew that he wouldn't be able to match me for contributions to rent etc but we finally (after some angst and rows) came to an agreement that I thought was working. However, last month he's not paid anything towards the bills or rent. I have spent over £1600 covering household expenses etc. I asked him about it at the weekend and it ended up in a huge row. He told me that I was 'impossible' and tried to blame me for his lack of money, eg: we went on a weekend away a few weeks ago because I'd just had a miscarriage and he thought it would be nice for us. It was, but I told him before he booked it that he should spend the money on paying off debts etc.

However, what has transpired over the last couple of days is that he has been a) taking money out of our joint savings account, which we had earmarked for household necessities (that he insisted on!) and b) this afternoon I found out he has spent almost £300 pounds on online betting between Jan-March this year. He has packages arriving from Amazon etc every other day, comes home with a bottle of wine or beers pretty much every night. He said that's ok because he puts them on his credit card. He's only been allowed to have a credit card for the last year due to his previous debts.

He simply cannot make sensible decisions regarding money. Before I found out about the online betting, I told him that changes needed to be made and if I found out he'd kept anything else from me that would be it for us. He knew then about the betting, but didn't tell me. I feel as if I can't trust him anymore. I don't want to split, I do love him, but financial security is important to me (rightly or wrongly) and I don't know if I can live with a man who lies to me about something he knows is so important.

I feel like I've been taken for a mug. I feel as if he just expects me to fill in all the financial gaps, and he doesn't have to bother doing the grown up stuff like paying bills or keeping the roof over our head.

Part of me has just had enough. But would I be stupid to end a relationship over this? He is a good good man in many other ways and is great with ds, who will be really unhappy if we split. I don't know whether I'm a mug or a grabby cow.

Iflyaway Wed 25-May-16 20:48:44

The MN word for these type of guys are that they are a Cocklodger. So true. A grown man who cannot get his own life together and ends up putting the blame on you soon gets boring really quick.

You know what you have to do, don't you?

Been there, done that. At the end of the day there is no end to it until you put a stop to it.

Life is so much more preferable when you have all control over your life and money smile

NapQueen Wed 25-May-16 20:52:03

Whilst I am sure (having had one myself and never wishing it on anyone) the MC was traumatic, it's has relinquished you of any need to keep this man in your life. Serious. Get rid.

magoria Wed 25-May-16 20:52:39

You would be stupid NOT to end a relationship over this.

He is choosing to gamble, buy drink and have breaks rather than to contribute to the roof over your head and household expenses.

Where will you be when you run out of money and the rent still needs paying? Or petrol to get to work? Or shoes for your DS. But you have spent it subbing a selfish spender.

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 25-May-16 20:56:41

Good god get rid.

repeatingpatterns Wed 25-May-16 20:57:05

Oh god, I know, I know sad

A month ago (on that weekend away!) we were talking about marriage. Now we're contemplating splitting. I asked him this evening if he thought, after everything that was said at the weekend, that I would be an idiot to continue the relationship. He said I would be.

Is there nothing that can be done, d'you think? I don't even know how to start having that conversation.

DoinItFine Wed 25-May-16 20:57:11

Has he paid you back for the nice course you funded for him?

You would be insane and irresponsible to stay in a relationship with this thieving conman.

Your son deserves a stable, secure upbringing, not one destroyed by his mother allowing her spendthrift, gambling boyfriend to piss it all up a wall.

Whattodowithaminute Wed 25-May-16 20:57:27

You are not being a mug or grabby. Financial security is important, as is being able to trust your partner and make joint choices regarding financial management and planning. What he's doing is not ok. Gamcare are a good charity who can offer counselling to you and your partner separately. It doesn't sound as though you have clear boundaries regarding what is acceptable. I've been where you are and only a fundamental shift in management of finances (I do it all with monthly transfer of salary and clear budget agreed) counselling and a lot of heartache have we achieved where we are now. The real change came in behaviour from DP though but if he did anything off track again I would leave. Might sound dramatic but that degree of uncertainty and lack of trust and respect for me and the children would be too much to manage indefinitely.

repeatingpatterns Wed 25-May-16 20:58:30

To be scrupulously fair he did give me £200 for bills, when I asked. So not 'nothing', but really nowhere near enough, and not sustainable for me.

repeatingpatterns Wed 25-May-16 21:00:47

Alright, thank you DoinIt, ds's upbringing is still secure and always will be if I have anything at all to do with it.

repeatingpatterns Wed 25-May-16 21:02:19

He wants to talk. Am not ignoring, will be back. Thanks for thoughts so far.

DorindaJ Wed 25-May-16 21:04:51

It is extremely unattractive to have someone like this as a partner. It is stressful, you don't know what is really going on, always playing catch up. It's horrible. And over time the spending gets worse, the is no let up.

DoinItFine Wed 25-May-16 21:05:23

How is his upbringing secure when you have a man living in his house who is not contributing to bills and is stealing from joint savings?

That is the kind of behaviour that makes families destitute.

Your son's interests and your boyfriend's are directly opposed.

DorindaJ Wed 25-May-16 21:05:28

*there

EweAreHere Wed 25-May-16 21:08:01

You need to pull back. Do not tie yourself to this man legally.

Personally, I would end it under the circumstances described, even if it was 'just' me ... and you have a child's financial security to consider!

RandomMess Wed 25-May-16 21:09:28

He is irresponsible with money, likes the party lifestyle and likes to gamble...

He is an addict waiting to happen.

So sorry but I've seen too many people end up homeless due to this sort of person in their life.

Lighteningirll Wed 25-May-16 21:14:27

It will only get worse please move on now before you get in any deeper. When you imagine your life (and your ds) at any point does it include debts, lying and gambling? Does it include you being made to feel moany, entitled, grabby? Guilty for any treats or presents?, repeatedly clearing someone else's debts? Please be nice to yourself and your ds and ditch this man. My dh is shocking with money and admits it, he would rather hand everything over to me and get pocket money (not exactly but that's a short version of what happens) because in the first few years we struggled with his appalling financial habits. I have helped him clear debts three times and I won't do it again. He never, ever blamed me, he never made me feel bad or that it was my fault we just sat down and worked out a system that would work for us. We actually shook hands on it and agreed that if the system broke down we would split up because it really is a deal breaker. He works hard, has as much capital as me and never gambles, this man lies to you, gambles and will drag you down.

Myusernameismyusername Wed 25-May-16 21:17:56

Problem is you have to take another leap of fairh to trust him after this
How many leaps can you take?
in my experience (last partner) all of the promises didn't really ever transpire into cold hard actions and it just became me turning into his mother. Then I was unattractive to him and he wanted to leave

LineyReborn Wed 25-May-16 21:18:51

I would parachute out with my child while I could.

I hope you do. Good luck.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Wed 25-May-16 21:19:22

I empathise with how you feel OP. I've felt a lot of that myself.

This is how he is. He won't change.
Whoever is in his life will be subsidising it.

Unless he can undergo a radical financial transformation, (and it's not looking likely) he'll be who he is.

YANBU to want/need/desire more from a partner.

The gambling in the face of his financial situation is MASSIVE. He could ruin you.

Iflyaway Wed 25-May-16 21:20:08

You need to ask yourself why do I think this is o.k...

Having a child to bring up. Whose future is so much more important to put your energy into.

Every penny you spend on (gambling?! WTF!) that no good man is taking away from you and your child's future. Please, don't be that fool.

dontcallmethatyoucunt Wed 25-May-16 21:20:12

He gambles, he stole from you, he doesn't take responsibility for your joint life.

You're not a mug, but you are giving him too many chances. Get shot.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 25-May-16 21:49:23

I do love him, but financial security is important to me

You will NEVER be or feel financially secure with this man and whatever love you may feel for him now will be eroded by his fecklessness which will bring the baliffs to your door sooner or later.

dollydaydream123 Wed 25-May-16 22:02:44

I was a single parent myself and like you, was responsible with what I had but was unable to buy a property on my own. It feels like you may have 'settled' for a lifetime of renting (nothing wrong with that) because that is the position you were in before. However, not only is your partner not working with you to provide a more prosperous future for the three of you, he's actually making your future more financially insecure. I feel for you because I was in a similar position but the gambling would be a huge issue for me. I'm sure he's wonderful in other ways but you are not being grabby for wanting to be secure. You're only asking from him, what your prepared to do yourself - earn money and live within your means. If he does not accept ful, responsibility for his behaviour then you owe it to yourself to leave. Your son may well be fine as I'm sure you would go without to make sure that he's ok. But what about you? You deserve to have a life free from unnecessary anxiety and stress. If he loves you, he should want that for you.

wafflesplenty Wed 25-May-16 22:07:20

I could have written a similar post myself,
Just keep telling myself it won't be like this forever & we'll get on a more even footing financially but it's unlikely.
Whoever said Love don't cost a thing (JLO??) was a big fat liar !

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