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Dying in the inside....

(79 Posts)
LonelySoutherner Wed 25-May-16 00:07:54

Dp and I have been together for 3 years, after a whirlwind relationship he finally proposed. Dp the most sweetest person I have been with, compared to my past emotionally and physically abusive relationship.

He has helped me recover from this during this time I was a wreck didn't have much going for me. He has helped me with making my career choices and has been my rock ever since, we rarely argue.

Couple weeks ago on a night out with my friends we had an argument that escalated pretty badly he wanted us to go home but my friends wanted to stay out for a while longer. I got drunk and ended up sleeping with someone, I haven't told my dp this yet and the guilt is tearing me apart he has been questioning me lately where I was that night I told him I was at my friends.

Sorry if this post is long, idk what to do anymore I'm scared that I have messed things up for myself.

He has said in the past if I ever cheated it would be the end, no second chances he wouldn't stick around.

alvinp Wed 25-May-16 07:04:38

Male perspective here. Find the courage and tell him. Let him know it was a mistake and how much you regret it but tell him so he can decide what to do. Faced with losing you he may actually not leave and you can clear the air, put it behind you and move on. If he does leave, at least you know. Don't spend the rest of your lives with that hanging over you.

Whyohwhy72 Wed 25-May-16 07:10:23

I agree with Alvin. You will always have this hanging over you if you don't. You have to prepare yourself for him to leave you though.

Cabrinha Wed 25-May-16 07:26:00

Do you actually want to be with him?
Is he just a safe option after an awful previous relationship?
You describe him as "sweet" and say all the things you've done for you. You don't say you love him.
What was the argument about?
How drunk were you?
You slept with someone else - I think it's possible that you don't want to be in this relationship anymore and you're too scared to admit it to yourself yet.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 25-May-16 07:28:52

You have to tell him. The guilt will never let you rest other wise and it's not fair on him. If it was just a kiss then live with the guilt but not full on sleeping with someone.

I would really wonder if you love him enough or just want him for safety/security - the fact that you could sleep with someone else suggests something lacking with your dp.

Helloooomeee Wed 25-May-16 07:37:00

If you love him then he deserves the truth. There is a chance that with complete honesty you can work through this.

In my experience I could forgive the cheating, it was the lies and manipulation that followed that did the most damage. Trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild.

TheNaze73 Wed 25-May-16 07:53:43

I think you need to tell him. He'll probably end it, no one wants to marry a cheat but, you owe that to him

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 25-May-16 08:14:20

I also am of the "you need to tell him" camp.

Additional thought - did the guy use a condom? Because if not, then anything other than telling your DP is potentially putting his health at risk over STIs, so not telling him would be an especially shitty thing to do.

But regardless, you should be a decent person and tell him and allow him to decide if he wishes to remain with you. Anything else is basing a relationship - and a future marriage in this case - on lies, which is never right and more importantly, never fair.

alvinp Wed 25-May-16 08:16:51

That's harsh Naze. If it were me I'd be hurt but I think I could forgive a mistake if honestly admitted. Lying or being dishonest however is far more damaging. And yes I've been there.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 25-May-16 08:20:28

Alvin, I don't think Naze was being harsh. The OP herself told us that her DP has said if she cheated, he'd be gone. Based on that info, Naze is probably totally accurate. I'm afraid in these circumstances I'd be finishing it too, because as much as people say they can "get over it", in the majority of cases, they don't, and the marriage is damaged and fails later down the road because it hangs there in the back of their head and pops up now and again. Agreed, some people do manage it, but few.

What's harsh is cheating on your DP in the first place. And sorry, but drink is no excuse. It just isn't.

dilys4trevor Wed 25-May-16 10:28:38

Also agree on the lies being the killer, not the infidelity itself.

If my H had confessed on occasion 1, I'd have forgiven. But he didn't, he went on to have a full on affair and lied terribly before finally getting found out.

If you confess (when you don't have to) then you will always have that. You didn't wait to get found out. You bit the bullet.

I think he will probably forgive you. But like pp I am not sure it's what you want.

LonelySoutherner Wed 25-May-16 14:10:27

Dp has sacrificed a lot to be with me, his family have disowned him because he chose me over them.

My family have hated, but dp helped me reconnect with them. They were never fond of him but overtime they started to like him and now they treated him like their own.

Cabrinha, Yes I do love him to bits but this guilt is killing me, I can't stop crying. There are no issues in our relationship. The argument was over my friends dp is not too fond of them since they were the ones that introduced me to drugs, I was at my lowest and they turned their back on me when I needed help.

I don't think I can cope without him, I haven't eaten properly, slept properly I'm struggling to cope and it's affecting our relationship and work life.

Alvin/StillDrSeth, I ruined everything didn't I, if he leaves me I might go back to my old ways to cope with life without him. Dp has been asking me why I'm down lately, he's been apologising profusely and to work on things we haven't been intimate or emotionally close lately.

I'm scared that he'll leave if I tell the truth but the guilt is killing me. sad Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. Thank you for all your advice.

ZestyMaximus Wed 25-May-16 14:18:07

I know that if I were with someone who slept around purely because we'd had a drunken argument, I'd want to know before committing the rest of my life to them. Your partner deserves that courtesy at least.

LineyReborn Wed 25-May-16 14:26:47

What a mess.

How drunk were you? Did you have unprotected sex? Was it a friend or stranger you had sex with?

I'm so sorry. But you have to face up to this.

wherearemymarbles Wed 25-May-16 15:32:03

You need to tell him, if for nothing else but for the fact you'll spend the next few years wondering if/when it will come out.

As for whether he stays, who knows, he probably wont know either but for sure he wont want you having anything to do with those friends ever again.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 25-May-16 15:40:29

OP, you must tell him, and you must tell him sharpish. It's even more unfair not to tell him because he is going round believing he's done something, hence all the apologies.

Seems like your DP was probably totally right in the argument - why would you want to be friends with people that got you hooked on drugs? He chose you over his family, has done so much for you and you potentially threw that away over remaining in touch with a bunch of fuckwits? Bloody hell.

What a great shame it's all got messed up. If afraid telling him might well lead to a great upset but you clearly aren't going to be able to cope with day to day life so it's really putting off the inevitable and the sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on and face whatever the consequences are. He MAY be able to work through things, over time, but it must be his choice and he must have the facts - which means telling him if the sex was unprotected. You won't know until you pay him the courtesy and love you should pay him of being honest.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 25-May-16 15:41:24

I ruined everything didn't I, if he leaves me I might go back to my old ways to cope with life without him

From what you've said it appears that, much to the dismay of his family who have disowned him, your dp is a rescuer but he's misguided if he believes he can rescue you from yourself as self-sabotagers always seek to ruin the good things that happen to them.

If you have a shred of integrity anywhere in your psyche you'll tell your dp that you've lied and cheated on him without further ado.

Sadly for him, I have a sinking feeling that his pride is such that he won't want to admit to others that he made the gross error of judgement which has cut him off from his family and, after his initial shock and disappointment, he'll be taken in by your self-pitying tears of regret and will step into the breach once more to stop you "going back" to your old ways - no doubt you'll extract as much mileage as possible from using that threat to tug on his heartstrings.

If, as I suspect, your dp chooses to overlook your "mistake" the harsh fact is that, unless and until you root out the demon that causes you to self-sabotage, you'll do the dirty on him again.

Fgs get yourself referred for counselling so that you can stop fucking up your life and causing needless hurt to others in the process

goddessofsmallthings Wed 25-May-16 15:54:28

Have you namechanged for this post, OP, as I seem to recall a recent thread which was remarkably similar in content.

In any event, in saying "I'm scared that I have messed things up for myself^ you've made it clear where your priorities lie and there doesn't seem to be much room for the feelings of your dp.

AnyFucker Wed 25-May-16 17:43:41

You sound like a manipulator and emotional abuser as well as a cheat

For God's sake tell him so he can decide whether he wants to be subjected to any more of your life-wrecking selfishness

dilys4trevor Wed 25-May-16 18:03:46

Proof it isn't just men who do this shit. By 'shit' I don't mean cheating but doing something very wrong and then making the decision on what to do next according to how THEY will feel about X versus y. 'It will be bad FOR ME.'

dontknowwhatcomesnext Wed 25-May-16 18:20:24

Interesting. Before you even posted the reference to drugs, I was thinking the maudlin self-pity (with little actual concern expressed for how much you hurt your fiancé) screamed alcoholic/drug addict. I wish you well, but if you want to be a better person, tell your fiancé, focus on him and don't you dare suggest it would be his fault/the break up's fault for turning back to drugs/alcohol.

BieneBiene Wed 25-May-16 19:52:48

You should tell him and use this as time to work on yourself. Don't use a shitty decision you made as an excuse to 'go back to your old ways'.

LonelySoutherner Wed 25-May-16 22:10:23

But it was an accident, I don't have feelings for the other man I've been trying to brush this aside and forget about it, move and try to be happy but I can't.

I'm not selfish, I just can't think straight incase other man tells my dp, he's part of that friends circle. How can I salvage anything from this stupid mess.

Not too long ago we were talking about marriage and children now we are distant, I don't want him to leave me, I just can't bare the fact that if he leaves he'll move on and be in another womans arms.

Tonight he has asked why I'm being selfish, in the three years we've been together this was the first time I have seen him cry. He's left the flat, to give me space and Friday he wants to have the "talk".

Goddess - I'm not too sure what you mean by name change.

I have never manipulated dp ever, nor am I some sort of junkie that you guys make me out to be, I was in a dark place and he helped me out so much. How to do you tell someone that you love so dearly that you cheated.

AnyFucker Wed 25-May-16 22:13:19

You accidentally landed, vagine first, onto his cock ?

Impressive.

BieneBiene Wed 25-May-16 22:23:27

You tell them because it is best for them. They deserve to make the choice just like you made the initial choice to cheat. It wasn't accidental. It was a choice.

If you can't face telling him then take the cowards way out and just break up with him. It won't make you feel good though. I did it years ago and I still feel guilty.

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