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Stepson

(86 Posts)
LunaMortis Tue 24-May-16 21:11:31

I am really struggling to bond with my stepson. My husband and I have just had a baby and i thought it would be easier. I resent that he lives with us all the time and i seem to be the only one that doesn't think he's so bloody wonderful. His mother moved away and only sees him at school holidays, she never comes to his after school events, never does his homework with him, i've been to more Christmas plays and parents evenings. We also live with my inlaws whilst our cottage is under renovation and my husbands mother likes to spoil him - says she doesn't but....yeah. So compared to his mother who showers him with gifts and his granny who gives him treats and lets him take over the telly or her ipad or cuddles in bed in the morning when we're trying to teach him to respect that other people like to have a lie in and to respect other peoples things, i'm the evil stepmother. So i resent him and i'm struggling. I just don't want anything to do with him to be honest, it hurts my feelings when he'd prefer to be around anyone else but me. I don't know what to do, the stress is making me poorly and i'm not fully enjoying the time to bond with my own Son

Snoringlittlemonkey Tue 24-May-16 21:18:27

Poor lad I feel sorry for him. A step mother who resents him living in his own home and a mother who doesn't bother with him. Thank God his Dad and Granny think he's worth bothering with sad

Bitchqueen90 Tue 24-May-16 21:22:18

You resent that he lives with you all the time? How long have you been with your DH? Don't you think you should have addressed these feelings before now?

LilacSpunkMonkey Tue 24-May-16 21:24:45

Maybe you should have tried bonding with your stepson before having your own baby.

That poor boy is going to know you resent him.

SlinkyVagabond Tue 24-May-16 21:29:40

You resent him. You are upset when he prefers to be with anyone but you. Make your mind up.
How old is he? I'm guessing not that old if he's wanting cuddles in bed. What is he actually doing that is so wrong? Is he rude, disrespectful? Or are you just resentful of a child who was part of your Dh's life before you?

SlinkyVagabond Tue 24-May-16 21:30:58

Sorry I misread, he prefers to be with anyone rather than you.

HeddaGarbled Tue 24-May-16 21:35:12

Oh deary me, this is such a disaster in the making.

You have just had a baby which is a massive life changing event so no wonder you are finding this difficult so try not to get too worked up about stuff right now. Concentrate on your baby and let your stepsons dad and grandparents do whatever needs doing with him.

Of course he doesn't want to spend time with you when you don't like him and resent him living with you. Children do pick up this stuff, you know.

It is excellent that his grandmother loves him and cuddles him and gives him treats. Poor little chap, his mum has abandoned him. How dreadful must that be?

Leave your MIL to concentrate on loving him while you concentrate on loving your baby. Then when the time comes to move into your own place try and find a way to build a decent relationship with him. Hopefully, he'll still have regular contact with his grandmother and will get the unconditional love he needs from that source and from his dad so all you need to do is be kind and generous and mature.

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 21:41:58

I wonder why he wants to spend time with anyone else but you hmm

And I say this a "step" mother of two wonderful children who are certainly not Angels by any means! My DP has full custody too.

We are TTC and it was vitally important despite my dwindling fertility at now 38 to make sure they were settled and felt loved before we started.

Wheresthewine36 Tue 24-May-16 21:42:47

I'm not surprised he'd p refer to be around anyone else but you, I'm sure he's very aware of your resentment towards him! Perhaps his granny "spoils him" in an effort to soften the blow of a stepmother who doesn't want him around "all the time". I can't actually believe you don't realise how awful your behaviour is. Jesus, women like you make me puke. He's a CHILD. You are a grown woman, complaining that the "stress" of having a stepson is making you "poorly". Get a bloody grip, woman!
T

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 24-May-16 21:45:18

Living with the in laws with a new baby and a grandma with different rules sounds bloody hard flowers

First of all, parents and grandparents all think that the dc are wonderful even when they're being little buggers, just as you will when your baby is bigger.

Plus doing all the grunt work for a child only to have a nrp come in and just ply them with gifts and trips out is bloody infuriating when you are the actual parent, let alone the resident step parent.

How long until your house is ready?

Can you get any real privacy where you are? A couple of hours a day in bed with the baby for instance?

Re dss... You need to make a real effort here, fake it til you make it.
Find something he likes, and make it your thing that the 2 of you do, a box set of cupcakes, sticker books, washing his bike, silly dancing to songs, look at baby photos of him together.

Does your dh know that you're struggling?
Do you think you need to speak to your HV or dr?

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 21:47:22

I'm a stepmother and have got used to non step parents being outstandingly judgemental about the difficulties with bonding with a child who is not your own.
I hear you, it is SO very hard when you're playing the role of the parent yet your importance and value in the home and in the eyes of society ^^ see above, is minimal.
You can feel invisible in your own home and any normal parenting responses you have like the need to put down boundaries is met with 'wicked step mother' comments.
I would really recommend 2 books that have helped me a lot with the infinitely difficult dynamic: The Stepparents Parachute and How to be a happy step mum.
Don't beat yourself up for not being able to bond- you're committing to a relationship with this child for life, one day he will be an adult himself and see that you were taking far more responsibility for him than his own mum.
Deep roots of love and respect are growing every time you show up for this kid and one day this relationship will bloom into a deep rooted and strong tree. Don't force it, let it grow slowly over the years.
You're doing great by just being there unlike his mum

TheSockGoblin Tue 24-May-16 21:50:57

Do you really think his mother showering him with gifts makes up in any way for her complete lack of interest in the rest of his life? Or that he doesn't realise that she can't be arsed to actually parent him?

He is dealing with rejection from both her and you, though in different ways. No wonder he doesn't want to be around you.

Why did you think having a baby would improve things? You don't give reasons.

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 21:53:57

sockgoblin don't judge unless you've been there yourself.
I swear step parents get more hassle and discrimination on MN than men (and that's saying something)

mummyto2monkeys Tue 24-May-16 21:54:52

This is an innocent little boy, my son is eight and my daughter is six and both children come into my bed for cuddles. it's what loving families do. I am sorry but you are right about being an evil stepmother. Does your husband know that you resent his little little boy? You sound incredibly nasty and selfish. That little boy needs a Mother, every bit as much as your baby does. Can you imagine that your baby was orphaned tomorrow because you had died, imagine your husband marrying again and his new wife 'resenting' your baby?

You chose to marry your husband, your stepson was a part of that package. When you married your dh you should have taken on the role of Mother. Instead you are immature, jealous and selfish. You are a Mother, yet you have no more empathy or maternal care for this poor boy than his awful birth Mother.

If I was your husband I would leave the marriage and find a wife who has kindness and empathy for my son.

Griphook Tue 24-May-16 21:57:27

Run away now, leave them all to it, I wish I had. I found it too hard, doing all the hard work and never getting any of the good parts, being undermine at every corner. Step parenting is a minefield.

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 22:01:07

griphook I can really understand how you got to this stage, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you although it sounds like you don't regret it too much.
Mummyoftwomonkeys- you sound so unkind- this woman is asking for help and you're just calling her names- great solution- I hope you never have to be a step mum.

Wheresthewine36 Tue 24-May-16 22:17:23

Bumbleclat, no-one HAS to be a step mum. If you choose to enter into a relationship with someone who has a child, you are choosing to be a part of that child's life. If you cannot be a kind, positive, loving step-parent, don't enter into the relationship. I reserve my harshest judgement for the boys father, though. If my partner gave even the slightest sign of resenting my child, they would be out the door.

Griphook Tue 24-May-16 22:25:53

* no-one HAS to be a step mum. If you choose to enter into a relationship with someone who has a child, you are choosing to be a part of that child's life.*
That's very true, but until you become a step parents (just like being a parent) you really don't know what you are getting into, so yes she chose to be a step parent but how does anyone really know what that entails beforehand. It also sounds like she has had her first child so didn't have anything to compare becoming a step mum with. Even if she knew the ins and out doesn't mean she won't find it hard, so why not listen to her, don't abuse her and give some suggestions on how to help

igglepiggleisanarsehole Tue 24-May-16 22:30:51

I have no advice really, but I'm going to go against the grain and say I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP and I really hope you can find some way to bond with him soon. I'm a step parent too, and found it hard to bond with a child that wasn't mine. I'm getting there, and I hope you will too. flowers

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 22:33:09

If you aren't in the step parenting arena I'm not interested in your very black and white outlook on things.
If you are however in the step parenting arena, trying your best to bond with a child who is not your own then I'm all ears.
So sorry wheresthewine you don't know what you are talking about.

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 22:33:54

grip agree it's very true you don't have to be a step-mum

But if you enter into a relationship with a person who has full RP you make sure you ease your way in. So you get a close as an idea as possible, because children need to be protected and when children have had a parent pretty much abandon them the last thing as an adult you should want to do is put them through that again. IMO

It's ok to find it hard, God knows I did at times, I still do but think that's parenting as rule. Big difference between finding it hard and saying you "don't want anything to do with the child" followed by "It upsets ME when he wants to be with anyone but me" is pretty telling IMO.

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 22:34:42

I also did not have any children when I met DP who is RP of two.

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 22:35:20

And you can reserve as much of that lovely judgement of yours as you like. It sats far more about you than anyone sincerely asking for help in a very complex relationship (of which you show minimal understanding) and share minimal insight of.

KittensandKnitting Tue 24-May-16 22:45:14

bumble I'm the first to defend RP who are male and step-mums no matter what their involvement. Because there is a lot of hatred towards step mothers on here.

But I agree with whereisthewine you don't have to be a step-mother and actually she wasn't rude at all. I stand by if you enter a relationship with someone who is a RP you make damm sure your ready before moving in with them and their child. Because that child needs a lot of love and support not someone who "dislikes" them.

bumbleclat Tue 24-May-16 22:54:24

I disagree, I knew my step daughter for many years before now DH even announced our Relationship to her, I got on fantastically well with her and her mum, three years later when DH and I were sure we wanted to make a real go of it, we told her- she was over the moon I mean just delighted.

We all moved in together and as a nanny and teacher I have put a lot of things in place in the home that have facilitated a very harmonious and much better relationship between DH and DSD.

Fast forward another year and she is simply going through a very difficult phase and is quite unlikable, demanding, rude, negative and stroppy.

I'll not beat myself up for sometimes wishing it wasn't her weekend or night with us, she's hard work and had I known it would become so miserable and testing I might not have entered into it.

You simply can't say that 'you knew what you were getting into'
That kind of language is shaming and the very opposite to empathetic.

I'm committed to my DSD but at present I do not enjoy her presence.
Can any parent really say honestly that they do not struggle with the same feelings?

I fully believe that over time DSD and I will grow some kind of love towards each other but the triangulated dynamic makes it inclmfortable for all at the moment and I don't be shamed or stand back and see others shamed for this.

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