Son's gf help for her!

[KittyKrap]

Kind of complicated. Me and DH (DS stepdad) are about to buy a couple of flats, DS (18) knew we'd help him out, he's about to start working and we'd charge nominal rent (part of which we'll save for his future - he doesn't know this). His gf is 19 and lovely, totally. She's quiet and shy and they adore each other so we kind of know they'll move in together. Now here is the problem..

She has a hard time at home. All her pay (p/t) and benefits are paid into her DMs account so gf pays for everything virtually. Her stepdad keeps getting thrown out by her DM and is a total cock to gf - this is not the reason he keeps getting thrown out , her mum is an arse too. She's (gf) so quiet that she never kicks up a fuss. She stayed here this weekend and went home to find DM had got a puppy, this despite her already having 8 cats/kittens.

What do I do?! I want to help her set up a bank account, what do I need? She doesn't know how, she's a very gentle girl and a bit naive. IMO if she has an account she can switch everything to herself just before she moves. Either with DS or on her own - we do adore her btw so want her in the family but I have warned DS that not all young loves last - not his first gf.

Any ideas? I've never met her DM, DH has, they live quite a long way away and when DH took her back once we had a very expensive car - her DM mentioned it a lot, we've sold it now though! So I have no idea if she thinks her DD has landed on her feet.

It's a very EA relationship. Something that both myself and DH have been through which probably colours our views. Grateful for any advice even if it's butt out! Thanks.

[ButIbeingpoor]

Oh you sound lovely Kitty.
I suggest that any advice or help you give your son's gf will in the long term help her to live an Independant adult life whether with your DS or not.
So definitely help her set up a bank account.
Perhaps explain that she should pay her fair share towards stuff. Neither more nor less.
Discuss any entitlements or benefits she could expect and whether a change of circumstances could impact her entitlement.
Maybe talk about her relationship with her DM and Df. Explore what is healthy/ normal and what is not.
Tell her that her first 'duty' is to herself, financially and emotionally.
Encourage her to work things out herself but maybe get her to check things through with you or another mature responsible person who has her best interests at heart. Then when she has thought a plan through, checked it out with someone else, considered her options ,she can go ahead put it into action knowing it's the best thing for her to do.
(My DS1 just jumps in making rash decisions. Often ends up in shit creek because he never thinks things through.
DS2 however, researches everything, discusses his options with whoever he thinks has experience and then goes ahead and does his thing. )

[KittyKrap]

Thanks so much butl! I have my nice moments!
I knew it was bad but DS dropped her off today and came and told me about the puppy and the DMs bank account. I know that you new two ids for an account in her name so we're plotting to get hold of her birth certificate and apply for a provisional. Even if the address is here - her mum shares her name and I wouldn't trust her not to open mail.

It's so awful. DS was saying the other day that a fly landed on her in the car with one wing so she was chatting to it, she is bonkers but lovely!

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

What job does she do?

[pocketsaviour]

You're going to have a problem with the ID documents as most banks require both proof of ID AND proof of address.

Does she have a passport (an adult one)? If not, apply for one asap. Also apply for the driving license asap. With those, some banks will accept that as enough ID. She will need her National Insurance card in order to get her drivers license. Here's the order I'd do things:

Apply for drivers license - send NI card and copy of birth certificate as proof of ID, along with passport photos countersigned by GP or perhaps an old school teacher.
Apply for passport - will need official copy of her birth certificate AND her mother's birth certificate OR her father's birth certificate and her parents' marriage certificate.

Once she has both of those forms of ID in hand, you can then apply for bank accounts with her - Natwest, Santander and TSB all say they accept the above two items as proof of ID and address. RBS, Lloyds and Barclays require a utility bill, tax bill, bank statement, benefits letter etc as proof of address in order to open an account.

If her home situation is as abusive and unstable as you say then I'd suggest you apply for the IDs and the bank account under your home address - otherwise there will be questions asked by her mum no doubt about all this.

[pocketsaviour]

Sorry also meant to say, all banks I checked would not accept birth certificate as a form of ID unless the person is under 18.

[zoobaby]

One idea of a solution on how to get proof of address when she's not receiving bank statements, utility bills etc... Maybe her GP could issue her a letter? During my most recent visit, the practice nurse gave me a piece of paper which had my DS' "named GP". They were doing it to fulfil some regulation, but it had my DS' name, full address and GP name on it. They might be able to issue something similar to her while she stands at the reception desk.

[KittyKrap]

Right DH has just gone off with DS to pick her up. She works part time for a relative, this cash goes straight to DM, all her benefits go to DM and also - as we've just found out - her DLA! Her DM is claiming that she has mental problems. Gf literally read the letter by accident last week.

She's been kept as a cash cow. I imagine it's going to be pretty hard to get documents nicely off DM so I'm guessing we'll have to get copies. She's told her DM that we want her here to babysit..!!! Her DM is going to have a fit when she realises the money will be stopped, gf went home today to discover this puppy was paid for with her cash, she basically has no money this week.

Thanks for all your help, sorry if I'm running as you can imagine it's been a bit of a carry on here tonight but I will be back to re-read the advice and update. Thank you so much, it means the world!

[Tiggeryoubastard]

Is this a responsibility you're happy for your son to take on? And what do you mean by 'all her benefits'?

[CaspoFungin]

I don't think you just get given DLA without being repeatedly questioned about it, so I doubt her mum has just been able to apply for it without her knowing.

[pocketsaviour]

I don't think you just get given DLA without being repeatedly questioned about it, so I doubt her mum has just been able to apply for it without her knowing.

If the DM applied years ago when the GF was a child, and she is able to intercept her post, then it could easily happen.

Are you able to take GF in and house her temporarily if shit blows up? Because as soon as GF contacts DWP and starts to have the DLA reassessed, I can foresee a massive argument and throwing out. Also her job is likely to suddenly dematerialise - I'm assuming it's off the books and cash in hand? So she would not have any legal protections. Her DM has sewn this up quite neatly. You'd be surprised how often this happens.

[Haffdonga]

Perhaps she did have MH problems and her mum claimed DLA legitimately. It's not easy to get DLA without evidence and medical diagnosis.

[FlouncyMcFlounceFace]

The DLA will most likely be changing to PIP at any moment now shes over 16.

She may be able to get a vulnerable person support worker (probably via social services initially) in light of her DLA, from the local council to help her through this transitional phase and into the future. My DS1 is Autistic and we have a support worker with his longer term interests at heart to help enable him to have a degree of independence as he gets older.

It may be worth a visit to citizens advise to see whats available locally to you. If shes the major source of family finance then her life could be made quite difficult if she trys to gain independence. If she does have mental fragility it would be very sad for this exciting natural phase of life to destabilise her by extra complexities loaded on her by family.

[Lorsaidthedean]

Do you mean that this young woman is claiming she was unaware she was in receipt of dla?. Once a young person reaches 16, DLA ceases and they need to claim pip in their own right (unless due to disability unable to manage their claim, then an appointee can do it for them).

If this is what you are saying, it sounds unlikely to me, and I suspect you are being deceived.

[KittyKrap]

Right, it was a long night!
I was wrong about the DLA, I called it that due to DH possibly receiving it. It looks like her p/t work was cash in hand as her DM took this from her room to buy the puppy. But I'm not fully sure about what she (or her DM) is/was receiving in terms of benefits yet. There has to be something as her cash was going straight into DMs account. She doesn't have her birth certificate but we can get a new one and I know that she or I (on her behalf) will have to phone for her NI number if she doesn't have that either - she's asleep right now.

We've got a big house and she's no bother at all, I also made it clear to DS that any problems or doubts between them to let us know ASAP as we'd still be there for her and help her on her feet.

She was living about 30/40 miles away so we kind of know that any trouble with her family won't affect us. And DH can be pretty scary looking!

My only worry is that she mentioned that DM dragged her to the doctor to get her diagnosed with depression and possible psychosis/schizophrenia. She was diagnosed with depression but passed both of the other tests. But like I said, I'll have to delve into that a bit more today just in case. She is not on any medication.

So today I'll have to sort some kind of proof she exists here, then doctors, DSS and whatever else but I imagine it'll take a while with no proof!

Right, another coffee and I'll re-read your comments. It was after 11pm when they got here as part of the main road was shut off so we only managed a quick chat last night.

[KittyKrap]

Sorry, not DH possibly receiving it. DH DOES, we don't know if her DM does!