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Can we have a thread for people who know they need to leave but aren't quite ready yet?

(88 Posts)
NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 13:40:53

I've attempted to start threads about my relationship before but I always let them die because I get quite a bit of "your poor children, think of them" or "why did you have kids with him?" responses which just makes me feel even more guilty and like shit, which is the very opposite of what I started the thread for

I would really like somewhere to brain dump all of the things he does/doesn't do/says so I can't convince myself that it's not that bad, and tbh I really need some support
I don't really have anyone I feel I can do this with in real life (they've all heard it a million times and are bored of me) and I know lots of people have been through similar things on here but I never seem to attract them to my threads, I usually get the judgypants

I don't feel ready to end it yet, I can't guarantee that I'll stick to it yet, I wouldn't trust him to have the children alone yet, I rely on him financially 100% atm
I'm just not ready to let go of the idea of a 'family' I had in my head yet
But I know I will, I know he'll never change, I know this isn't right
I'm just not sure when

There must be others in this situation? Fancy helping each other reach the end goal together? Without judgement

I have cake?

All0vertheplace Mon 23-May-16 13:43:55

There are a lot of people on this thread who are in a similar position:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2592809-Curious-to-hear-from-people-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-but-just-unsatisfying

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 13:52:15

Thank you Allover I have had a skim through that thread a few times before but felt I didn't really belong there as unlike the husbands/partners on that thread that are nice enough but just not right, mine can be quite (I thibk) emotionally abusive/manipulative/aggressive/financially abusive etc etc ...
Calling it abuse feels extreme but after lots of reading different things on and around here I think that's what it is
I think

KittyCheshire Mon 23-May-16 13:59:55

I dont mind sitting here chatting to keep you company.

All0vertheplace Mon 23-May-16 14:02:09

How long have you been together? What are some examples of his possibly abusive behaviour?

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 14:07:59

Thankyou Kitty smile
Well we've been very very on and off over the years, I've been with him for 8 years, he's had quite a few other girlfriends in that time
I think this time we've been together steadily for around 2 years (the longest we've ever been together at once
I'm actually really struggling to think of examples, that's why I need to put it somewhere I think, I've normalised so much that I really don't think is normal

All0vertheplace Mon 23-May-16 14:10:46

Are there things you see in other people's relationships that make you think "Hm. That would be nice."

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 23-May-16 14:13:03

Can you articulate what's holding you back?

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 14:19:26

Oh all the time allover - particuarly those 'what's happening in your house' threads, lots of people saying their DH has took their children out/is playing Lego with the kids/is cooking/is cleaning something or the ones where people ask for routines, morning or nights and their husband actually has a role in getting the kids to bed or off to school
Then every now and again on other threads when people say their husband is their best friend, they love being around each other or they go out with them all the time, there was a thread not long ago something like 'what do you do on the evenings' and so many people saying they actually do things with their partners, I would really love to just have a glass of wine and a chat in the evenings sometimes, or cook together, he's think I'd gone barmy if I suggested that

RiceCrispie not really no, I just don't think I'd stick to it. When we've broken up before because we have to see each other all the time we've just kind of eventually fell back into a relationship

All0vertheplace Mon 23-May-16 14:22:02

Can I ask you a really presumptuous and rude question (and feel free not to answer) but what was your childhood like? Were things largely OK in your house, or was there difficulty/chaos of some kind? I only ask because many adults end up repeating certain patterns they saw or experienced in their youth. I just wonder if there might be something like that going on here?

(NB: I am NOT saying anything is your fault, I am just curious to know a bit more broadly about you.)

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 14:32:59

Allover if I really think about it yes there was chaos in my house growing up, although I have to really think about it because I remember being loved and happy first

But my Mum did go from one very very abusive relationship (physically abusive, we ended up doing a midnight flit from that one) to other less abusive relationships, I remember one of her boyfriends punching holes in doors and throwing the tv off the stand and smashing it and other things like that
We moved house a lot too (about 7 times until we settled into a house when I started secondary school and stayed there until I was around 17)
One of her boyfriends got her name blacklisted and into lots of debt with bailiffs coming looking for him all the time too, it took her a long time to dig herself out of that whole
Gosh it sounds awful doesn't it but it really really wasn't
I remember much love and laughter, extended family around for dinners and game nights, big elaborate Christmases etc
But no there was never any routines or 'this is where we'll be on certain days' or anything like that

I have been purposely trying to create predictability and stability for my DC because of this
And it's because of this that I stay
I don't want their childhood to be littered with Mummy & Daddy breaking up and making up

trappedmum Mon 23-May-16 14:44:57

Hi NoCapes

I'm kind of in the same position as you. It's just really difficult to actually leave, isn't it?

I'm having a chat with my DH about his behaviour over the weekend and I'm going to put it to him straight. Either things improve and he stops treating me like shit and stops being a lazy father or we will separate.

I actually had quite a steady childhood; my parents are still happily married after 30 years. DH however hasn't. His parent split when he was young and his mum had a string of abusive boyfriends.

I'm hoping the conversation will go ok but I have tried in the past and he's turned the blame back on me a lot sad

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 14:49:50

Hi trapped
Yes it really is isn't it, it shouldn't be but admitting defeat is always difficult isn't it
Have you tried to talk to him about his behaviour before? I've talked to mine so many times it goes in one ear and out the other, and made so many threats about it being over that he just doesn't believe me - so there's not really anything else I can do or say now
Do you have DC?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 23-May-16 14:50:11

NC

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your own parents showed you a very poor example. History is also repeating itself here in that this man and you have made up and broken up numerous times. Your own warped relationship template has led you to want and try to create some perfect ideal of "family" but what you have now is not "family". I would argue that no-one from your childhood ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship actually is and thus you have really no idea now. You on some level do realise this. If you have been trying to convince yourself its not so bad despite your own overwhelming evidence to the contrary, a totally different approach from you is now needed. He wont change but you can change how you react to him.

I think it would benefit you to sit down with a therapist and unpick your past properly. Some damaging stuff here from that time really does need to be unlearnt.

What do you want to teach your own children about relationships, what are they learning currently from the two of you?. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

RainbowsAndUnicorns5 Mon 23-May-16 14:59:21

Hi flowers
Ex wasn't abusive but cold and emotionally stunted.
The two main reasons I didn't leave earlier (oh how I wish I had!) were the kids & being financially dependant on him.
Anyway cut a long story short the kids are fine (we don't bad mouth eachother or fight which helps) I don't know long term but I know for now that ds in particular is much more relaxed - exh is quite a hyper /stressy person which rubbed off on him.
Financially we are still tied through the house but soon selling hopefully. The money side is stressful but I'm using benefits to see me through - I'm studying with the plan of having a job and supporting myself & the kids.
I absolutely love the freedom & feeling of weight lifted off my shoulders smile
Best of luck

trappedmum Mon 23-May-16 16:13:20

Yes, we have 2 DCs, DS is 2 and DD 8 months.

I have tried several times, but it goes in one ear & out the other. The thing that makes it difficult for me is that we still have some really lovely moments and he is sometimes still brilliant with the kids, which makes me think I'm overreacting. Then other times he will tell the kids to shut up (even the baby when she cries!), stop making a mess and he has recently called DS a dickhead too.

It's going to be a really difficult conversation but one that needs to be had. I've already checked the entitled to website and seen what benefits I can claim if we were to split. Problem is that the house is a joint private tenancy so I can't exactly kick him out.

I'm also suffering from PND so it's making things 10x harder as I'm wondering if it's me that is making him act like he is. I keep second guessing myself confused

KittyCheshire Mon 23-May-16 16:27:45

On the face of it, my H is a good man.

Good job, works hard for us, does housework...etc. On paper he's probably the 'ideal' kind of guy.

But he's an asshole.

He does housework and then complains about having done it, like i'm lazy/not good enough... or to make a martyr of himself.

He's very much a 'children should be seen and not heard' kind of guy, so i spend most of my time trying to keep the kids in line so we don't get shouted at for being noisy.

He says he doesn't care what i do with my day, but then bitches and moans that i'm not pulling my weight because i haven't done the laundry as i spent the day with my mom.

He's sexually pushy and gets shitty if i say no 'well fuck you then' or gropes me constantly and says shit like 'i'm probably annoying you, but i don't care'

He dictates what and when everything happens in this house. Yesterday i said i didn't feel up to showering both kids (i have a bad back/hip) but he decided i would be doing both of them and made them both get in the shower. He decides when the kids go to bed, even though its me who gets them ready. He also dictates when they can get up, and kicks off if they're up earlier.

He can't cope with our Autistic DS.

He lets me have a lie in occasionally, but then is such a grumpy twat i spend the rest of the day walking on eggshells.

He bitches about my family constantly, to the point i avoid seeing them or don't tell him i have because i'm sick of the lecture.

He sticks up for me, but then in the next breath makes it clear he's only doing it because he can't be expected to 'pick up the slack' if i'm ill.

I was admitted to hospital a couple of years ago and because i didn't get let home quick enough he yelled at me down the phone because he was exhausted from looking after the kid on his own for 3 days.

He was vile to me when my dad died, i phoned from the hospital to tell him my dad had just died, and he was rude and then ranted about the kids behaviour, and was shitty when i got home. Then he complained he felt left out when me, mom and my brother arranged the funeral, because we didn't ask for his input.

He never asks me about my day, just comes in from work and spends hours talking about his day, and i HAVE to listen, or i get shouted at, if i so much as say anything i get told to shut up and stop interrupting... yet when i'm talking he thinks nothing of cutting me off mid sentence and ignoring me, making it clear he's not interested.

I hate him. I'm not financially dependant on him, i have my own money, i have no idea why i'm still here, but its so hard to make that step and have to deal with the fall out from breaking up a 15yr long relationship.

I want out.

KittyCheshire Mon 23-May-16 16:28:20

sorry for the essay sad

trappedmum Mon 23-May-16 16:43:36

Oh kitty flowers

Some of the things you have said totally resonate with me. The walking on eggshells trying to get the kids to be quiet, being a perfect husband on the face of it, doing the housework and moaning about it (oh and the muttering to himself whilst he does!).

Also mine acts like a teenager when I say I don't want sex, he gets in a major sulk. Also he will sometimes clear up after dinner then expect some kind of sexual favour as a "reward" hmm

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 18:58:37

Kitty flowers
Thankyou both for sharing your experiences, we're all in fairly similar boats
Why do they do it though? Do they not want to be happy? Would they not be happier and have less arguments and stress if they just were nice people?

Atilla yes I see now after writing it down that I'm copying my Mums mistakes, and I absolutely do not want my daughter copying mine
So why do I stay?! <head.bang.wall>

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 19:01:00

Kitty I've just read your post again, there just aren't enough flowers for you
Do you think part of the reason you stay is because 'on paper' he's perfect and if you split you'll have to explain to people that he's not and your life is not
Do you think you might be slightly embarrassed to admit it all?
I think that definitely plays a part for me

BertieBotts Mon 23-May-16 19:07:15

Sounds like a great idea. Happy to hang around for support. Sometimes it does take some time to get to the point of leaving and of you're not in immediate danger that is okay, as long as it doesn't go on forever because I think it makes for a cleaner break.

Better to spend 6 months extra in a crappy relationship than leave on a whim and go back and forth several times. Of course it's never as simple as that but often it's okay if it takes you some time.

BertieBotts Mon 23-May-16 19:08:48

I am in a happy relationship now but I was in an unhappy (ea) one in the past and it took me a while to get to the point of leaving.

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 19:14:00

better to spend 6 months extra in a crappy relationship that leave on a whim and go back and forth several times

Yes Bertie that's exactly my thinking (after making this mistake too many times) I really want the next time to be the last time

NoCapes Mon 23-May-16 19:49:17

Well he must've known I've started this thread as besides being home a bit late without warning he hasn't pissed me off atall today confused

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