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MN - you were right about drug-taking DH, now I need to leave, what do I do? Please help, I'm pretty desperate right now.

(51 Posts)
everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 17:01:50

So in March I had a thread on here about DH taking synthetic cannabis (and having it delivered to our house) and how we had a big horrible argument and he promised never to do it again and loads of you were like... he will, and I thought, well he might but he probably won't. And of course... he has. We've just got back from a lovely family day out and he went upstairs and then he was in a state, it was so obvious what was happening and he's tried to apologise but he was also unable to focus properly and was running up and down the stairs and acting pretty crazy so I made him go to bed.
Now what do I do? I issued an ultimatum to him last time:

If you choose to stay with us then there's no second chances.

So now I need to leave him and I just don't know where to start. DD is just 5, we live next to her school, I work a very long commute away (in an amazing job which I love and I am devastated that I will have to leave). What on earth do I do? I am utterly crushed. I don't know how I will afford anything, I don't have a penny in savings.

We're supposed to be going on holiday next Saturday. We spent the day picking up bits for our holiday. Then - despite just saying what a lovely day it was - he went STRAIGHT OFF and did this.

What do I do? I can't think straight at all.

Fortunately DD is watching TV and is oblivious to it all as I packed DH off upstairs quickly but I don't know what I should do.

DoreenLethal Sun 22-May-16 17:03:24

Move nearer to work so you don't have to leave your job? Have you enough money to rent somewhere for a while?

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 17:04:57

No, I've got nothing. £43 for the rest of the month. I work in London so that's not really an option, unfortunately. I wouldn't be able to get a deposit - and what would I do with DD? It's a full time job.

Currently DH works from home so does childcare when she's not at school.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 22-May-16 17:11:34

Do you have family who can step into the breach?

Ring women's aid for advice,
go to the CAB for a list of solicitors who will give you half an hour free advice
Take copies of all legal documents, secure passports, keep them in a safe place.

Your decision about whether this is instant, or after the holiday.
Look up details about what benefits you will be entitled to.

OrlandaFuriosa Sun 22-May-16 17:13:53

And get advice in whether he leaves you or you him. Whose name is the rental agreement or mortgage in?

He will have to pay CMS to you..

I'd put this in relationships and or legal matters. You'll get good advice there.

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 17:18:24

Unfortunately no family who can help - my parents are 500 miles away and for various reasons it's not a good environment to take a child to.

I will ask MN to move the thread, hadn't thought of putting it there - not thinking very straight!

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 17:18:55

I did consider Women's Aid but are they able to help even though it's not an abusive situation?

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 17:19:19

I did consider Women's Aid but are they able to help even though it's not an abusive situation?

ImperialBlether Sun 22-May-16 17:28:45

But how are you going on holiday with only £43 in the bank?

ImperialBlether Sun 22-May-16 17:30:16

You don't have to do anything immediately, do you? Why can't you, long term, stay in the house and have your partner move out. He can do before and after school care as before, but in his new place.

BrienneAndTormund Sun 22-May-16 17:49:04

Is the house rented? Does your H work?
I'd be wary about leaving him to look after dd at all if he's addicted to synthetic cannabis. It's very dangerous and he's clearly not fussed about taking it around her as he has done it today.
I think he needs to move out and you need to get proper wrap around childcare.

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 18:38:38

I get paid next week, he has already been paid so he was covering the first few days of the holiday then I was going to take over the expenses. It's a very cheap holiday.
I don't trust him. I am fairly certain he'll look after her as well as he's been doing all along but...what if he doesn't? The argument last time came about because we were all about to play a game together and he went and got high first! So for the moment I want to be her primary carer.
He has gone out after a very overwrought conversation...
He says I don't have to do it and god knows, I don't want to... But I also don't want to be the fool who believed him once again.

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 18:41:47

The house is slightly complicated: DH's parents bought it as a kind of investment - we pay them money every month and the idea is that we'll eventually get a mortgage to take it over from them. Legal documents all drawn up so its all protected in the event of their deaths but not quite sure what happens if we split, actually.
They'd be really good about it, I know they would, I am sure we would be able to stay here.
I am all at sea.

PurpleWithRed Sun 22-May-16 18:46:49

You are too close to this to make a decision, just let yourself rattle a bit with the shock to start with. A few days here and there won't make any difference. Can you move into dd's bedroom tonight? Be clear you are splitting up with him but cohabit while you work out what to do. Talk to his parents if you think they can be helpful.

SnuffleGruntSnorter Sun 22-May-16 18:53:40

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP - I was a sympathetic lurker on your previous thread.

Will you explain to his parents why you have to split? Can he go and stay with them leaving you in the house?

Can he/you afford wraparound childcare between you? This is as much his extra expense as it is yours.

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 18:58:24

Yes that's a good point about him joining in the cost of childcare.
He could definitely stay with his parents, I imagine that is what he will do. They are away on a big road trip at the moment so can't get in touch, but yes, will tell them why this is happening - in fact, one of the things I said to him was that if we did split because of this that I would make sure everyone knew that it was not my fault.

I feel really numb. I love him so much. I thought we were so happy. I don't want to do this but if I don't? What then?

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 18:59:52

On another point - how do I get this moved to relationships, does anyone know? I was going to report the thread but I can't figure out how to do it on the phone!

SnuffleGruntSnorter Sun 22-May-16 19:06:43

I've reported and asked them to move it for you.

You don't have to make any decisions right away, and any decisions you do make don't necessarily have to be forever. It must be so hard for you, as an outsider I feel like he needs to learn how serious you are and sort himself out before he's allowed to be trusted with family life. But then I might feel very differently if it was my husband we were talking about and my life that was being changed.

tupperwareAARGGH Sun 22-May-16 19:16:09

I would get him to move out, speak to CAB and also how many bedrooms are there in your home? You could have an aupair.

I do want to say that legal highs are the worst things I've come across and are very addictive. I've seen such an increase in these (work in A and E) and peoples lives being ruined due to them.

The fact that he was taking them on a 'family day', and one that was going well and not out clubbing etc shows he is addicted to them and taking them an awful lot more than you think. He must have been desperate to take them with you in the house knowing how you feel about them and that also shows he cares more about drugs than you or his daughter.

I think you need to speak to his parents and explain the situation your life will go massively down hill if you stay with this man I'm afraid. You seriously don't want your daughter around this stuff.

There are a few good programmes and newspaper articles about how bad this stuff. www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p03nyf5k/drugs-map-of-britain-1-wolverhampton-getting-off-mamba

MrMainwaringsWife Sun 22-May-16 19:23:34

To get it moved press the report button

Can you ask for some holiday so that you have time to think

That's quite a bombshell

AntiHop Sun 22-May-16 19:23:43

Is there a breakfast club or after school club that dd can go to? I don't know what your job is but is there any chance of completing your working day at home after you've picked dd up from school? flowers

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 19:27:31

If you think his parents will be supportive then try and stay there - could you get a childminder for before and after school?

notapizzaeater Sun 22-May-16 19:28:36

Where's he getting his money from to buy this ?

Can he go to his parents now ?

everybodysang Sun 22-May-16 21:57:11

He gets his money from his full time job...

We have had a serious talk. I have said if he gets help then we may be able to move on. But I have just had a wobble just now thinking about DD so he has left me alone for a bit (I asked him to). I don't know what to do for the best.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 22:03:19

How long are you going to give it though? 6 months, a year, two? Putting your and your daughter's lives on hold - and what if he lets you down again?

You gave him an ultimatum - he's done it again, if you forgive and forget he knows he can do it again and again and again. This is why you have to be very clear when you issue one, you can only do it once or it means nothing

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