Is sexting cheating?

[Doublefun1]

My husband and I have been having a tough time for a number of years. Firstly due to pressure of work which led to a breakdown for him. He basically checked out of our marriage for 2 years and didn't have headspace for anything except his job. I also work full time in a highly stressful job yet manage to balance it. Once I told him it was counselling or out we went and he was devastated with himself and how he had behaved. I've found it almost impossible to let him back in , fear of him doing it again I guess. Any how on Wed I saw really really graphic sexting messages between him and his old PA (who I also know and work with!) these went on for 48 hours somehow I didn't say anything for that long as the kids were around all the time when I did he was again devastated and said it got totally out of hand. Firstly I know he would t do anything with her for many reasons. But this is just wrong. I have remained weirdly calm again I think because I've distanced myself but I've asked him to move into the spare room to give me space. I'm all a bit lost anyone been here or have any advice?

[StrawberrytallCake]

Yes it's cheating, sorry

[SleepingTiger]

Yes and he has done something with her that is unprofessional which kind of railroads through his career aims. He doesn't sound very good at commitment.

[HelenF35]

It's emotional cheating which is just as bad. You need to decide whether it is forgivable, no one else can do that for you.

[Doublefun1]

He doesn't work with her anymore not that that actually matters here. We've been together 18 years and married for 12 and I honestly believe this is the first thing. Not that it's right, it's very NOT right just giving background I guess

[Xoticdreamz]

In my book yes , without a doubt cheating .
How shitty for you .

[Costacoffeeplease]

Yes it's cheating, what a twat

[DelphiniumBlue]

I don't get how he is the one feeling devastated, he's not really taking responsibility for his actions, is he? It didnthappenby accident, he did it deliberately. So he's maybe devastated that he got caught.
Once bitten twice shy, he's not really invested in your relationship, you've giuven him a chance already.
He's disrespectful.
Whatdoes he bring to the relationship?

[ChicRock]

So he's been sexting your work colleague?

You do sound quite distant from it all.

Do you think it's cheating?

Do you think you want to work on your marriage? Because tbh it doesn't sound like either of you are really invested in your relationship.

[Doublefun1]

Sounds crazy but I know he loves me and really loves me. God knows what made him do that what a idiot he's been. He's loyal (although clearly not). He's an amazing dad and son in law etc so out of character I just can't get my head around it

[timelytess]

Yes, he's cheating.
Do you want to stay with him, or not?
He won't stop. Or, if he stops with this one, he'll find another. That's how it works.

[SandyY2K]

It's a form of cheating absolutely. It's clear that boundaries were crossed for them to get to the point of sending such graphic texts.

Saying it got out of hand isn't really good enough. I'd want to know exactly where, when and how it all started if I was staying in the marriage.

Whilst many stop at sexting, cheaters default to lying, so bear that in mind. Why don't you think it was physical when they worked together? You working at the same place hasn't stopped others in the past.

If you're trying to work on your marriage, you need to know the full magnitude of what you are dealing with.

[Only1scoop]

How disrespectful of them

Yes it's cheating and lying and you may have just scratched the surface

Sorry

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

My basic rule of thumb (and this can apply to sex, drugs, rock&roll, drinkng, gambling, buying too many action figures, whatever your shared values are) is "is what I'm doing something I can't go home and cheerfully tell DP?"

If the answer is No, it's either cheating or even bigger problems (for instance a woman who can't go home and tell DP she just got a £7 hair cut or saw her mum, whom DP hates, etc).

In your case, your shared values are monogamy, and he violated that.

[tribpot]

An amazing dad who checked out of his marriage for two years due to work pressure, despite the fact you were balancing just as much work pressure along with family life?

He loves you so much that not only is he sexting with someone else, he's doing it with your work colleague, to maximise the humiliation.

I'm intrigued as to what he would have to do before you actually saw him for a selfish and disrespectful shitbag. Stick around - I suspect you will find out.

[WeAllHaveWings]

To me it wouldn't actually be cheating but would be so disrespectful, inconsiderate of my feelings, insulting and such a breach of trust it would be on par with cheating.

I don't believe my dh would do that, but if he did he wouldn't be the man I thought I knew.

[whimsical1975]

He's devastated?!?!?!?!?! Tell him to grow up and take some responsibility for his adolescent behaviour!!

He has absolutely cheated. Cheating on your partner is not only about being physical with someone else. He has chosen to engage in a completely inappropriate way with another woman. His "devastation" is his attempt to turn the tables so that it's more about "poor him"... don't let him do this to you!!!!

The fact that he has never cheated before is pretty irrelevant. He's cheated now.

Furthermore "checking out" of your marriage for 2 years is really not on, work stress or not!! You're partners! Marriage is not something that you commit to when you feel like it and disregard when you don't.

Sorry OP, his behaviour as a husband is just totally unacceptable.

[Doublefun1]

💔 it really is all the hopes and dreams and happy times taken away not sure he sees it that way which is more heartbreaking. Thank you all for your thoughts on this. I have 2 beautiful children who adore their daddy to the outside world things couldn't be more perfect. Just shows you

[Dangerouswoman]

Maybe you're still in shock but I can't understand why you are saying he is amazing and loyal and really loves you because his actions say the opposite.

[BertPuttocks]

An amazing dad wouldn't check out of family life for two years because he was putting his job first.

An amazing dad wouldn't risk his children's lives being turned upside down because he'd put himself first yet again.

An amazing son-in-law would not leave their wife to deal with everything for two years and then cheat on her by sexting with his old PA.

The only thing that's amazing about this man is how he happily does as he pleases with no regard for anyone else yet miraculously transforms into Mr Devastated when anyone challenges his behaviour.

You deserve so much better than this.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Checked out of your marriage for two years due to pressure of work?

Or sorry to say having an affair with his then PA

[AnyFucker]

yep

he sought sexual kicks outside of his relationship with you

that is cheating, IMO

[Only1scoop]

'He was devastated'

Yes Op this was because he's been caught.

If you hadn't if caught him I doubt he'd have just confessed as he was so devastated with his own behaviour.

Strange how they are always 'devastated'

When caught.

[BennyTheBall]

Of course it is cheating.

What a git.

[Only1scoop]

Just re read Op sorry,

He was 'devastated' prior to being caught when you suggested counselling.

So it's a double whammy of devastation on his part.

You know now what his bare faced capabilities are.

I'd take some time out to think things through.

[Joysmum]

My basic rule of thumb..."is what I'm doing something I can't go home and cheerfully tell DP?"

Well said.