He lied!

[lovelydayforaguinness]

Morning mumsnetters
I'm going to try & keep this short.
BF (together over a year) knows an old housemate of mine (I lived with her a decade ago)
He knows her through a shared hobby & as far as I knew, runs into her occasionally & is friends on FB.
Me & her fell out over lots of little things. I found her difficult to live with -just your usual differences-she wasn't very good at sharing the space & was quite intense & intimidating. I don't use FB but BF recently mentioned my full name in a post. Last night he told me he'd run into her that day & I asked if she knows we're together ( just curious)
He said she had told him she knew me but he got all flustered when he was telling me & it felt like he was lying. I said this to him & it came out that after seeing the FB post 3 weeks ago she rang him to warn him about me!?! Then said 'don't tell her I told you'
And he didn't tell me!
I feel really fucking annoyed because he lied & also didn't think to share the news of the phone call with me... for 3 weeks...
Why not? Why would he hide that?
We've been really close recently & I hate the fact that he's kept this from me. He is aware I struggle with trust & I feel like crap.
He said that she wasn't very good at articulating & he told her he didn't want to know but I just don't get why he's kept it all secret.....
This all sounds soooo 'playground'
I'm really

[MeMySonAndl]

The answer is in your question "He is aware I struggle with trust and & feel crap".

If you are as close as you said, he will know you enough to dismiss the women's comments and given your issues with trust, not upsetting you about that.

Everybody hear bad things about their partner, boyfriend, husband from time to time. Telling every one of them to your partner can be very cruel. For example, one day I was with a group of people who didn't know I was dating this guy, and she said he was a "cretin". I kept it to myself, what use would have had for the guy to know a person thought he was a cretin?

[lovelydayforaguinness]

Thanks memyson
I think I just can't believe he didn't say 'you'll never guess what... When the phone call happened 3 weeks ago because I genuinely think I'd have laughed it off whatever she said (I'm wracking my brains as to what on earth she could think to tell him about me & what would be relevant a decade down the line?)
It's all just odd & I don't get why he's kept it under his hat.

[Boolovessulley]

I agree with MeMySonandI.
What use would it have done for him to have told you, after all it was someone else's opinion. It would be different to me if the ex friend had stated a fact about you, for example we fell out when she smashed my TV up and threw it through the window because she didn't like Pointless.

[MeMySonAndl]

I think it would have been more "playground" like for him to tell you "you will never guess what...". He managed it in a very mature way.

[TheNaze73]

If anyone told me anything in confidence, I wouldn't say anything. Cut the poor bloke some slack

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

This happened to me. Some people are bitter and nuts. Dh told me because I thought I was friends with the woman in question. Even if we hadn't been I'd still have wanted to know but I understand he might not have told me because it would be pointlessly hurtful.

[Joysmum]

I struggled with trust early on in our relationship. This was due to my fears thanks to a previous relationship not anything my now DH was doing.

So he'd lie by omission on things he thought I struggle with. I had to explain to him that his lying then meant I didn't trust and it was 10x worse as a result.

He's learnt not to lie by omission and that trying to protect from anything in life just makes me feel that small because he thinks I'm weak.

I can understand why he would but I needed to tell him he was making things worse.

[Isetan]

It sounds like you believe he didn't tell you because she told him not to, rather than him deciding not to relay the crap an obviously bitter woman had to say.

It is totally your choice if you want to believe that he has some ulterior motive for not repeating this woman's bullshit but given your admitted trust issue, it isn't a stretch that his silence was an attempt to avoid the drama and spare you the distress.

[lovelydayforaguinness]

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to respond. Really appreciate all your comments & experiences.
I'm so glad I posted this morn. You've given me a new perspective which has left me feeling loads better about everything.
Have a good sunday all

[lovelydayforaguinness]

Hello
I'm posting an update on this because I'm so baffled.
After all the great advice from MN I spoke to BF. He was really apologetic for not sharing the phone call news earlier & drafted an email to my ex housemate saying he doesn't want to hear anything further & sent it.
She then proceeded to reply to him saying she was soooo worried about him being involved with me & was happy for him, then sent another email saying I had displayed some 'worrying psychological behaviour' ??
I'm so baffled as to why anyone would do this.
Ten years down the line, contacting my BF with info that is crap?
Any ideas why someone would try & interfere in someone's relationship ten years down the line?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Because they've got their own reasons, which you may never know.

Your boyfriend can make his own mind up about whether or not you're a good egg. Neither her dripping poison, nor any defences you present, will be what sways him, however. He will decide how he feels about you, for his own reasons, which only he can determine.

Just like your ex-flatmate's behaviour.

People are their own independent agents. Let them all do their thing. You just focus on doing yours. It'll match with some people, and not with others. So be it.

[lovelydayforaguinness]

Thanks RiceCrispie
Yep, & he's already made up his mind it seems.
I've gone past the temptation to contact her & say WTF?
Can't be arsed. Going to distribute my limited energy on the good guys.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

She wants the drama. Stop feeding her.

[Slowdecrease]

Drafting emails is bonkers. Why on earth did he poke the can of worms that way? You didn't encourage him too did you? Because if you did that is somewhat worrying tbh.

[Iflyaway]

Any ideas why someone would try & interfere in someone's relationship ten years down the line?

Jealousy, hate, self-hate projection?

Honestly, 10 years down the line, don't bother with all that. She's the one who has show herself to be pathetic and unable to move on....

was quite intense & intimidating

Tells you all you need to know. Move on yourself. Block her out of your life, and his (and if he won't tells you all you need to know too)...

[SandyY2K]

She'd do it because she's the crazy jealous one - or she dislikes you so much she doesn't want to see you happy.

I'm trying to think what I'd do if I were in his position. A family friend of my DH said something along the lines (about my fiancé's family now my DH), that the family was all over the place implying it wasn't a great family to marry into.

I didn't bother telling him, but in your case it was more personal to you.

Even if she thought it was true, she knew he was in a relationship with you and should have been respectful enough to let him make his mind up. I'd understand if she had any factual evidence of you being a danger to him, but she doesn't.

It's jealousy I tell ya.

[orangeistheonlyfruit]

Think it's wise for your dh to remove her and block her on Facebook and add her email address to his blocked list.

She obvs is loving coming inbetween you both and is jealous you are happy when she feels you should be stuck in the last like she is.

Get her blocked and leave the past in the past.

[swingofthings]

Who cares? Why are you dwelling about it? It's been 10 years, you are happy in your relationship, does it really matter?

Your BF didn't say anything to you in the first place exactly for that reason. He knew you would make a big deal out of it, when from his perspective, he couldn't have cared less. What he doesn't want is for this to be discussed over and over. He is likely able to separate having any personal conversations with her and only stick to conversations specifically related to their shared interest, if that.

Why she is doing it? Maybe because she truly believes what she claims and feel she should be a good Samaritan? Maybe because she'd like to go out with your boyfriend and is trying to convince him to break up with you? Maybe because she is just jealous that you're happy when she's not and she thinks she deserves it more than you?

Just move on. Stop trying to psychoanalyse the situation and just trust your BF not to care one iota.