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Relationships

DH for emotional support?

38 replies

Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 13:55

Just that really. Do you/can you rely on your OH for emotional support? Thought I had a great marriage, just recently, not so sure Sad

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LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 14:00

Normally, yes. Except when he's stressed out of his brains. Then he tends to be a bit unavailable and/or Mr Angry With The World which is a tad wearing.

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Believeitornot · 21/05/2016 14:01

Not for emotional support no.
Practically speaking yes.

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RudyMentary · 21/05/2016 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:04

Believeit- So do you rely on family, friends? And do you just accept that OH is not able to offer that support? No criticism at all, my DH is also great if there's a "fix"

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Pinkheart5915 · 21/05/2016 14:07

Yes my DH is very very good with any support be in emotional or any other support needed.
We had a stillborn baby a few years ago now but DH was amazing, I would never of got through it with out him. We now have a healthy ds and he offers me all the support I need.
I think I am the same to him as well.

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:09

So this myth that men are fixers and not sympathisers is just that then, a myth?

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MerdTheFuck · 21/05/2016 14:11

Yes. 100%. His mum's a therapist and has raised him to be very open and analytical about his feelings; he's improved the way I handle mine too.

Not that this is why I married him (gorgeous lovely man) but he's been the closest thing to a long-term therapist I've ever had - nothing "shocks" him, he's always sympathetic but never automatically takes my side either, he's so bloody reasonable.

What's going on OP?

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Pinkheart5915 · 21/05/2016 14:12

IMO yes it's a myth, men aren't only fixers they can sympathise

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kinkytoes · 21/05/2016 14:12

Only when it suits him. My mum and friends are much more reliable in that respect.

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MerdTheFuck · 21/05/2016 14:13

I don't think any generalisation or stereotype is that helpful really. There are women who would offer "fixes" rather than "sympathy" and men who do the other way round, and some who would see them as the same thing.

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:17

Interesting. You would think after all these years I would know now what to expect. Finally opened up that I'm not feeling too great atm, feeling pretty negative about myself as a mum, wife and friend. This is really out of character for me and took a lot to admit. Response - you should see the doctor. Me - I don't really want to go down that route. Rest of day - business as usual.

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:19

Pink - I'm so very sorry you lost your baby and so glad you had your partners support.

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LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 14:19

Has this happened today?

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:21

Yes happened today, not in UK so our day is over now

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MerdTheFuck · 21/05/2016 14:25

Oh dear. Why do you feel down about yourself my lovely?

To try and work out the dynamics a bit more - how did it actually go in terms of a conversation - does he think you're depressed and did he gently suggest you might want to get help? Or did he shrug and say "sounds like you need happy pills love, none of my business" sort of thing?

Afterwards, what was your response - did you tell him what you'd hoped he would say? ("Actually I was hoping you'd say XYZ, what I need from you is reassurance I'm doing ok.")

I'm just thinking that if this is out of character for you he might need some "training" in how to respond?

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LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 14:27

Pretty much what merd said.

Can you tell us a bit more and we might be able help with suggestions about a way forward?

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cocochanel21 · 21/05/2016 14:38

Yes totally.

The last couple of years have been very hard. When dd1 died last year i was 7mths pregnant with Dd2. DH was brilliant and when Dd2 was born he did all the childcare and still managed to support me too. It wasn't an easy time as emotionally I was a mess. I wouldn't be where I am today without his support. I also had family support too.

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:38

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way tbh. I'm isolated from my family and friends, my DH works insanely long hours and I'm pretty much a single parent to our child. All contributing factors. Also big decisions to be made about returning to work etc. My moods seem to be all over the place, I'm constantly irritated with my DH, then all consumed with guilt for being a bitch. I'm either happy and delighted with life or everything's shit, no happy medium. The only constant is how much I adore our baby and how I'm desperate not to fail him.

To be fair to my DH he did tell me I'm a great mum and a fantastic wife. But it just feels like, to him, that's now job done, and lets move on. I guess this is all coming from a deeper need to feel loved and appreciated and not like a housekeeper and nanny. What a mess.

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Believeitornot · 21/05/2016 14:39

I try and speak to friends but I do remind Dh every now and then that he needs to provide emotional support. We aren't in a good place at the moment and this lack of emotional support is a big reason why.....

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 14:41

Believeit - I fear we are heading down the same path and he's totally oblivious....

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LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 15:06

You say you're isolated from family and friends, and your husband is hardly home.

You have no anchor. That's probably why you feel adrift.

Are you expand or similar? It's not a lifestyle I'd want, personally.

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LineyReborn · 21/05/2016 15:06

*expat not expand, sorry.

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Ohwhatbliss · 21/05/2016 15:14

Oh Liney - that's exactly how I feel, adrift.

Yes, expat for a number of years but having my first child with no support network has made it feel very difficult all of a sudden.

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MerdTheFuck · 21/05/2016 15:14

Hmm. Some of that could be potentially be treated medicinally (eg low iron levels, low vitamin d, thyroid, depression can all cause issues with mood swings etc) but clearly that's not the main issue!

As liney says, that's a really lonely life you've got going on there; I'd be surprised at anyone being able to keep their spirits up during that.

Did you move for DH's job? (Or is he near his own home and family and can't understand how you feel?)

Do you get much time together anymore like on dates or romantic evenings, or even just snuggling in front of the tv? It's really easy for relationships to slip, especially when there are little children around. I wonder if he realises how genuinely lonely you are?

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AnotherStitchInTime · 21/05/2016 15:16

Yes totally.

In fact he is now SAHD because I needed to go back to work after traumatic birth, pnd and ptsd after dc3. He supported me to do that and will continue to do so as I start a new career path.

Going back to work helped me to stop having flashbacks and to see myself as someone other than a mummy. It helped me feel good about myself.

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