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Meeting to talk things through with newly separated H today. First time I've seen him since we split.

(190 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

YoJesse Sat 21-May-16 09:05:10

Me and my H separated a few weeks back after he became unstable following a drink /drugs binge over the course of a day whilst we had 3 year old ds with us. He's been battling addiction issues on/off for years (and to a lesser extent I have to but am sober now).

We've agreed to meet this weekend one to one to talk things through without anyone else like family or SW there (we have sw involvement) as we both think we need to speak honestly and personally just us). Ds is away with family at the moment so will not be confused to see Daddy.

I'm still feeling sad about the breakup and already cancelled meeting him last night as I feel weaker in the evening. I don't want to fall for any bullshit about how he's going to change etc. It really is the end now.

Any advice or tips on how to handle a tricky first meeting with an ex?

Wonkydonkey44 Sat 21-May-16 09:35:24

Just wanted to say good luck and be strong xx

lucyjordon Sat 21-May-16 09:38:13

Write a list of your reasons for splitting, all the things that mean this is the best way forward for you and your DS, read it before you go and take it with you. Don't show it to your ex though.

ImperialBlether Sat 21-May-16 09:39:39

Good for you, recognising the evening is a weak time for you. I hadn't thought of it like that before, but you're absolutely right. Stay strong and don't let your emotions guide you.

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 09:42:42

Tell him at the start that if he tries to steer the conversation away from strictly practical matters to do with finances and dc you will get up and leave

And mean it

kittybiscuits Sat 21-May-16 09:42:53

Why are you meeting him? What is there to sort out? Your DS is away and you were supposed to meet him last night as well. And social care are involved. I would be very wary of meeting up.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 21-May-16 09:49:29

Great to hear you sounding positive about it being the end. Just don't fall for any puppy dog eyes and self pitying crap. You know this has been a long time coming, and he's had plenty of opportunities to sort himself out but the drugs and booze are his priorities - not you or your son.

Remember when he was aggressive, when he let you both down, that he's the reason you have SS involvement

YoJesse Sat 21-May-16 09:55:37

That's exactly it imperial I'm scared of my own emotions and always scared of confrontation. I always back down from anyone arguing.

kitty I'm meeting him because it needs to be real. Most of my life I've been avoiding reality and can see myself doing it again by not facing this mess head on. I want it to just be us as I tend to pander to every and anyone else's opinions and I will end up saying things that family or sw want me to say rather than just being honest.
We need to sort out housing, money etc. I really want him and ds to have a close and loving relationshipas well.

AF that's the plan. He's not used to me speaking so harshly with him though.

niceupthedance Sat 21-May-16 09:55:40

Yeah. I wouldn't meet him. Get him to email you anything he wants to say.

ByTheNine Sat 21-May-16 09:57:56

Meet in public, not at home. It helps to keep things formal and keeps a bit of a lid on the emotional stuff.

Squeegle Sat 21-May-16 10:01:03

Good luck
Like the others said write things down before you meet
If he insists he can change - then say great - go ahead- and that after he has made significant positive changes for a sustained period, that will be the time to talk.
Don't fall for puppy dog eyes, self flagellation and effusive apologies
Actions speak louder than words. It's time for you to act positively for your daughter- and if he's serious it's time for him to demonstrate that by staying away while he changes.?

Squeegle Sat 21-May-16 10:01:21

Sorry that question mark was a mistake

YoJesse Sat 21-May-16 10:02:07

Thanks costa I'm hoping I don't feel like that and am trying to keep all the painful memories fresh still. The last time we were face to face he was shouting at me in front of ds. That's got to be at the front of my mind.

I've said we're meeting in the park (hope this shitty weather improves).

newname99 Sat 21-May-16 10:06:56

I separated from my ex for similar reasons, dc similar age.

Keep strong for your son, it's so damaging to live with an alcoholic or drug user.
My dc are now grown and have a wonderfu life which I know would not have happened had I stayed with my ex.

I have never ever regretted leaving and neither will you.

Penfold007 Sat 21-May-16 10:15:29

I remember your previous posts, I really don't think it is in your best interests to meet with your ex partner.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 21-May-16 10:26:28

Mistake to meet him

You've got social worker involvement..... Do they know you are meeting him??

Who is facilitating this by looking after your kids? Do they know where you are going?

YoJesse Sat 21-May-16 10:34:21

Thanks newname I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Family are looking after ds and no they don't know I'm meeting him. Neither does our SW. I don't want their opinions clouding my judgement
I've got to start thinking for myself.

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 10:37:12

Jesse, stop with the "I am going to do x, but ..."

There are no more ifs or buts. I you come over as equivocal you might as well give up now. He will smell any wavering from a thousand paces. You have caved every other time, after all. This time make it different and stand firm.

Do SS know you are meeting him ?

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 10:39:33

Ah, cross post

So you are meeting your drug abusing, manipulative (very recent) ex in secret ?

What the he'll are you playing at Jesse ?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 21-May-16 10:39:34

No. You've got sw involvement

You have to jump through their hoops to keep your kids!!

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 10:42:33

Cancel it, love. You still have time.

Make all your arrangements by text. His ability to maintain a loving relationshipship with his son is his own responsibility, not yours.

YoJesse Sat 21-May-16 10:47:20

I don't know, It's not about reconciling anything. It's about a chance for me to speak honestly to him. I'm not going to cave. I've never got this far before, as in actually kicking him out and I know I'm strong now.

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 10:50:18

He thinks you will cave so he will dial up the manipulation. I have read all your posts over all your threads, name changes included (that I know of)

I doubt you are strong enough (yet)

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 21-May-16 10:51:03

You don't need to speak honestly to him right now though

You can write all of it down. No need to meet face to face

RandomMess Sat 21-May-16 10:53:31

I think you have a different agenda to him so please be ready to walk away and say it is over.

It is for interim practical arrangements only. TBH they may be better done by email.

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