Partner is making me feel insecure at times, am I being over reactive?

[littleme4055]

I hope I am not going mad here, or being overly sensitive and reactive but wondering what you thought, before I think I am...

I have been with my fiancé now for over a year, we have a house together and everything has been really good, apart from a few niggly things which kind of upset me. He treats me well, tells me he loves me pretty much everyday, sex is great, we have fun together and plan on getting married next year. Life is good and love our house and times together. We pretty much do everything together and are very open about our thoughts and feelings too which is so lovely. Finally I have met someone who is the same.

He has a step daughter from his last marriage, who is 11, his ex wife is a nightmare and demands that he still spends money on her birthday as well as see her on her birthday too.(the step daughter that is) She makes out the step daughter is upset when he doesnt call but he is just busy and will text her when at work which he does. His ex wife still wants him to be there for her daughter, even though she has a new step dad, her own dad who she sees every weekend, a new step dad who treats her with everything and my partner brought her up from the age of 2 to 10, they hardly see one another but when the ex is on the case it is like I always dread what is going to come out of her mouth and my partner still jumps to his step daughters wishes. The ex has a new partner, but just likes to annoy my partner about his step daughter.

The other issue is sometimes he has these women friends, he use to be friends with from a meet up group about 2 years ago, before we met. One is someone who just always seems to contact him or vice versa, every few months randomly.

She is still single and my partner seems to engage in conversations with her but never when I am around. He asks her how the dating is going, what she is looking for and if things are going well for her, she asks him the same. He says that its been rocky and up and down between us, he says thats being realistic and no relationship is perfect and other than that we are fine! (very odd).

I see this text message on his phone whilst he is texting his friend at work and ask him who is Alison? He says, you know Alison the one you were asking about before we met and we met on Meet up? I honestly cant remember who she was, I said can you show me the text, he says yes, (his hands shaking and very shady), it was pretty long going on for over a few days and months too.

He says they have always been good friends and there are no emotional tendencies towards her, however he only responds when I am not around or at work etc. I can see he responds when he was away 2 days last week, another time whilst at work early at 7am the rest are other times I am on late night shows at work or I am just not around. he says there is nothing in it but says that I wont allow him to have any female friends. He goes on to block her and delete her.

There was also texts from exes many months ago, which he responded too and he ended up blocking only because I felt it was inappropriate, they were still wanting him or asking him to see them he never mentioned he had met someone new but just blocked and deleted after I saw he responded to them and said hello back.

Now, because he mentioned to this Alison that we have been rocky?.... that is what has upset me the most, because I was thinking I thought we were great together and we are hoping to get married next year in March.

Sometimes I feel he hides specific messages from me, never tells me when his ex contacts or that he randomly met up with his step daughter on the train a few weeks back, only for him to just mention it a few weeks later, like it wasn't important. Or his ex text him again last week about his step daughters birthday this weekend and what is he going to buy her. sometimes I feel I am just not that important over here.

So, am I being over reactive here, he says he thinks I'm being silly and that he isn't allowed to have female friends when its not the case at all, its more related to hiding things or saying things which are upsetting, where he thinks its not or I think is immature.

He can turn things around on me, when I ask him questions but I am trying to be more civil in how I ask but after seeing that message to Alison I feel upset and angry. Apparently they got on so well and had a great connection together, but nothing else. He says she isn't all that to look at but a lovely person and do I remember seeing her photo, no I don't remember anything?

You know I felt quite secure with him but at times, weirdly I don't....

He says 90 percent of the time our relationship is amazing but the other times its not, he says thats realistic isn't it? .......however I wouldnt think it I thought we were ok.... but telling someone this is not great to hear. He says but thats normal, as its true...however for me I wouldnt say anything of the sort to anyone about us, I am pretty private and keep what we have private for nobody else to know. I tell people we are fine together and have a lovely home and lifestyle that is what my partner tells me everyday, however to her its different. I thought he was the same?
He hasnt told his step daughter we are engaged either......feeling very odd and insecure today, its not a good feeling!

Sorry for the moan...

thank you for reading xx

[HoursOfFun]

Speaking as someone who has learnt the hard way - trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel ok, it is probably not ok. Him telling a woman friend your relationship was 'rocky', when actually you had little idea he thought that, is disloyal and maybe manipulative creating false accelerated 'intimacy' with her. He doesn't sound very nice tbh (I've just broken up with a creep I wasted two years on and I should have seen the signs earlier so that's why I'd listen to your gut)

[ZestyMaximus]

Hmm, not sure really. On the one hand I think it's a good thing that he hasn't just walked away from a 10 year old who has spent most of her life viewing him as a father figure. On the other hand, his ex sounds maybe a little controlling but I think you may have to suck up the fact that his step daughter will always be in his life and therefore, so will she.

Regarding Alison, I'd say that he's 'keeping spares' in case your relationship together doesn't work out. I'd be (unreasonably?) upset if my dp told anyone outside of very close family and friends that we were having relationship issues. I'd be furious if it turned out he was telling a 'spare' that our relationship was rocky. It sounds a bit too much like trying to keep her interest. I guess it maybe depends on how big a part of their conversations it is though.

Does he meet up with Alison? If so, maybe suggest that you both go along next time. His reaction should tell you whether you're over reacting or not.

[Hissy]

Did you get whatever money you put in to the house protected legally? If not, get that sorted regardless.

Then work out if this sick in the pit of your stomach feeling is what you want to live with?

For me, that all sounds too much and not actually worth it. The step daughter thing, the friends he only chats to when he's away from you?

The rocky comment would piss me right off.

He does need to go to a more godfather relationship with the ex step daughter, to give her mum, the new step dad and her a better family environment. He can very much be as and when. I think birthday and Christmas is the least he can do tbh.

[littleme4055]

Hi thanks for your replies,

I think he use to go to these so called meet up groups before he met me and she was always there, he did go to one when we were apart for a week back in October last year with his brother, I get a feeling she was there.

He also met up with Debbie the organiser last year from this meet up group but not sure if it was her or if it was perhaps Alison who knows, that was back in the summer of last year....but i have never met this woman in my life, its really odd, I thought we were perfect together, always so close, things going well gosh I must be completely naive here to assume everyone is honest and trust worthy? I actually wont marry him its made me think I cant trust what he really thinks or does he tell me what I want to hear but thinks something else?

Its made me feel very insecure I am finding it hard not to show it around the house at the moment.

Re the ex and his step daughter I don't mind too much about that, its just her text messages.

I now dread him going away in case someone contacts him again the last time was when he was away on a ski trip without me, with his friends and he was in contact with an ex weirdly, now this....it just seems a tad odd if you ask me.

thank you for your help! xx

[MistressDeeCee]

Im another who learned the hard way. With an ex, 7 years of this shit, always had an online harem as I called it. Exes, women he'd met in MeetUp groups etc. I think it was important to him to have his adulation women around. I was "too jealous" if I questioned this. One ex in particular had long ago moved on, living with her partner - but my ex would speak to her on the 'phone regularly, never when her partner was around tho. It stopped when I told him, I would 'phone her partner and tell her about their conversations. I was especially annoyed he'd discuss our relationship with her.. I left him in the end (which he gave me hell for) and I was very upset, but oh what a relief not to have extra eyes and ears in our relationship. If it wasnt one woman it was another. As far as I know he didnt meet up with them, but it was him sharing intimate thoughts and needing to speak to women regularly, and that they knew stuff about me but I knew nothing about them, that killed it for me. I don't want to be privy to any man's emotional affairs thank you

I've been with OP 5 years now and have none of this bullshit.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP? OH I meant!

[littleme4055]

Thank you Hissy, I am literally just getting our money secure in the house deposits as we speak, I put in £20k more than he did and I am just going through a solicitors as we speak to secure this now...weirdly I was just thinking the same, does he need to sign it, I am assuming he does need to here.

I also have a trust savings from the family, luckily this is secure he wont be allowed to touch it as its only in my name even if we get married which is nice to hear from my parents, they are always looking out for me and my brother.

So I remember asking him we need to get this sorted, he said don't worry we will always secure it if needed but I believe like my dad mentioned we need to secure this so I am entitled to my side.... gosh this is sad to think I am doing this now.

I suppose its best to be prepared?
thank you xx

[Meemolly]

Hi littleme, I think it's a great idea that you just write down everything about the situation, doesn't even need to be here could be somewhere private for yourself too, and then sit back and listen to what you are saying to yourself. Ultimately, do you trust him? That is the bottom line, with these other women, with the house, with finances? None of us here know how your relationship is going to pan out, but you can decide right here and now if you trust him or if you are prepared to commit your (precious) life to someone where you have doubts about trust. I would love to allay your fears, but you know him. I agree that no relationship is great all the time, I am married and it is not all plain sailing, but in our difficult times if my husband was reaching out to other women for emotional support, and that was being concealed from me I would be absolutely crushed. But that is me. I'm not you. I hope you can listen to you though as you sound utterly sensible and level headed and like you are spinning in confusion right now.

[Meemolly]

And no, I don't think you are being over reactive. You are not. You are questioning, no harm in that whatsoever.

[Hissy]

Get a trust deed. Do not ever leave this to luck, or assuming anything. Make sure the trust is watertight. Not for any other reason than it needs to be done. It's always essential to get this sorted out.

I have friends who did the trust deed and everything. They both knew it was there for the unequal amounts and to protect them

Didn't stop him trying to take more than had been written in stone, despite him not having put a bean in. Never take this for granted.

[triffle81]

I don't believe that you have any concerns about the step daughter. It must be hard to give up something that obviously he has strong feelings about. It does show that he takes responsibility seriously.
Do you think that he may have just been naive or just a simple misjudgement about the message that he sent? Has he given you reason to suggest that he is not telling you the truth about his "connection" to this woman? Has he shown signs of being disloyal or wanting out?