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Need help/advise/opinions please

(14 Posts)
Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 14:54:58

Dp and I just had a lovely family holiday in Crete for my Dads 75th BUT ...
A situation happened that is now tearing dp & myself apart so I would very much like to ask for opinions as I don't know how to feel/ what o do...

.... Just leaving our hotel room there was a knock, it was the chamber maid, I invited her in to begin her job as we were about to go out, she knelt down and beckoned dd (age 2.5) to her and I encourage my daughter to say hello and give her a hug, the maid hugged her for a paused moment then sat her on her knee making a fuss of her before squeezing her arms (in a your very cute way) and then lifting her dress slightly to squeeze her thighs and telling her 'I love you' (I don't think she spoke much English anyway). Dp did not like this and then removed dd from maids knees. I thought ok it's a bit much touchy feely for a child you don't know well but I figured me were in Crete and the culture may be like this. I forgot about it, dp is driving himself (and me) mad over it. Ok so I want to be supportive of him but he does seem to show signs of anxiety and he always has something which is plaguing him like this is but this seems worse. I discouraged him whilst away to say something (on as I felt it unnecessary ... We were both by dd's side, seeing everything and no harm was done. However seeing how tense he is now, I reluctantly agreed to message the hotel about the situation to see what they say ...hoping this would help dp to deal with things but now he is asking me often if they have messaged back (it's been less than 2 days) and called me earlier from work saying he wanted to travel back there ... Which petrified me .... We don't have the £ to first of all and that £ would be better spent on food and bills that we are struggling with! I advised him to talk to his support group about it but that won't be until next week. I feel stressed and I don't often ... Should I be more concerned by the action of this maid? As dd's mum I think if I should then I would be after Ali I would give my life for her as any mum would! I certainly won't be encouraging dd to hug anyone we don't know in future but I can't undo that now! Please advise....

PeppermintPasty Fri 20-May-16 15:01:43

It does seem an over the top reaction from him. Your assessment of the situation (language barrier/different cultural attitudes/maid just being sweet etc) seems to be the right one.

What's his support group for, exactly?

Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 15:06:29

I am so relieved to hear you confirm my feelings! The support group is for anxiety, he saw the gp as he gets headaches and anxious in certain situation so they sent him to it, he has only done the 1st session, I hope it helps as sometimes he can recognise it's his anxiousness that's the issue but with this situation he doesn't recognise that it could be.

PeppermintPasty Fri 20-May-16 15:25:21

Well, if you're seeking reassurance that it's over the top to, for example, fly back there (and do what exactly?), then you've got it.

I hope the poor maid won't lose her job.

Is there more to this OP? How are things generally between you?

Costacoffeeplease Fri 20-May-16 15:42:46

That's fairly standard behaviour in somewhere like Greece - poor maid if she gets into trouble for this

Of course it's an over reaction to talk about flying back there - to do what exactly?

Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 15:45:53

I know that is what I thought, I hope she doesn't lose her job.
Well the thing is ... If you met him you would not believe me that he has any issues with anxiety, everyone likes him and i am generally the happiest I have ever been with our little family but I do see these issues he has with things becoming more frequent and I do hope things are not going to spiral, as I am now becoming stressed and wrapped up in it too ... You already have seen me doubting my own rational feelings when his are not rational. But now I can confidently talk to him about my opinion and I think I will advise him to seek professional help, maybe a helpline may help him, not sure what else I could suggest. He does have mental health issues in the family and has always been worried about himself too, but his usual self is happy, caring, hard working and adventurous so when he is anxious it really is like being with a different person.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 20-May-16 15:49:44

Does he take any medication?

Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 16:00:24

Doctor put him on a couple of different things but only for a month at a time (I thought it has to be longer than that to balance out the side effects and start to work) and then told him he can't keep prescribing drugs so booked him on the course instead telling him to return after he has completed it.

princessmi12 Fri 20-May-16 16:13:02

However seeing how tense he is now, I reluctantly agreed to message the hotel about the situation to see what they say
Why would you even do that? Poor maid will probably have problems at work now.
Sorry but it looks like your DP has MH issues and being unreasonable/exaggerate things/acting obsessive over it.

Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 16:41:38

Princessmi12 ...I agree he does have MH issues, and why would I even agree to that? Well yes it's difficult to analyse but when you live with someone and all your hearing is their point of view and your busy and have your own job to do and you see how much it is stressing him out and you just want to help calm him then it's easy to agree, obviously we are used to sticking together and supporting each other but I hadn't realised how off the path of rational thinking he was and even doubted my own judgements (and I should have spoken on here or to someone else about it b4 I did that I see that now) as now I have a more rounded understanding of the situation.

princessmi12 Fri 20-May-16 16:58:44

Angelina7
It is difficult for you I appreciate.
You must concentrate on directing him to sources of help, don't doubt yourself and be vigilant. Try to get into a position of observer rather than a position of someone who's actively involved in unhealthy drama. Every time it gets to a point of getting sucked into it, try to "wake up" and just emotionally/mentally detach from his way of thinking.

TheVillageTaxpayer Fri 20-May-16 17:12:08

I feel really sorry for that maid. I am sure that tweaking the chubby legs of a toddler is probably a normal gesture in her culture and certainly no harm to your child. I really think you should message the hotel again and tell them that you overreacted and withdraw the complaint. It's not fair to the chambermaid to cause her issues with her employment.

Your partner needs to manage his illness, not allow it to ripple out and affect innocent bystanders like this. The giving/withdrawing of the meds sounds like really odd behaviour on the part of the GP. If your partner literally wants to get on a plane and head back to Crete to confront the maid I would say it's a dire enough case for a&e, frankly.

AnyFucker Fri 20-May-16 17:19:42

I think you should message the hotel again and say that you are sorry that you made a mistake and there is no issue with the maid's behaviour.

Your husband needs to seek help immediately. That is way off the scale of an appropriate reaction.

I am sorry you are living like this. You must be in a permanent state of anxiety yourself.

Angelina7 Fri 20-May-16 18:13:12

Thank you all I appreciate your opinions and I agree and will endeavour to stay detached and not be sucked in. Also to get back in touch with the hotel and rectify the last email. I feel like I'm back to my own point of view and can deal with stress he will bring back with him later and not let it transfer to me but try to help him to help himself.

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