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I think I might need to go NC

(23 Posts)
carwashing Fri 20-May-16 14:06:40

I really don't think that I can bear speaking to my parents anymore, every time I speak to them they make me feel depressed.
I was on the phone to my mum just now and even though I was explaining to her for the umpteenth time why I am not with my ex oh anymore (he is violent,abusive), she kept trying to challenge what I was saying and desperately wishing that we would get back together again. I have 'let myself go' she said the other day and was encouraging me to put some lipstick on and sort out my appearance to try and win him back. When I tell her about the violence she goes quiet and goes 'right... (silence)..' implying that it's lies/exaggarated. And there is a tone to her voice which suggests some kind of personal attack on her or something. As if I am out of order or something. A sort of awkward, scary silence. Then after that she starts getting accusatory to ME about his actions, as if she is complaining to me about the general situation, and how it has made THEM feel.
I almost feel as if she is submitting some sort of complaint to a store manager for not receiving the goods that they expected/paid for IYSWIM?
Do I ever stop to think for a minute to think about how upset they are? My going on the Freedom Programme (she doesn't even know what it is, just knows I have been on a course) for example was an example of how much I have upset them apparently. She said I am unrecognisable these days and I am so cruel to her. (the truth is I am very deadpan with them these days) When I dared say (calmly) that I am really sorry that you feel so awful about all this, but it is happening to me and I cannot go back to an abusive man because it would make you happier, she put the phone down on me. The final straw. Now she will be bitching to my father about how awful I am to her. God knows she has told me that enough times. The truth is that I tread on eggshells around her/them always have done. She started getting her nasty voice out at the end, that calm cool emotionless tone that I had all through my childhood. I really think that maybe I should go NC as this is so bad now I just feel depressed every time. Sorry I know this sounds a bit nonsensical and badly written but I just had to get it down this is becoming so frequent now and it's hard to be positive.

coco1810 Fri 20-May-16 14:46:36

flowersbrewcake and lots of hugs for you. I would go NC, look after yourself and big well done for leaving an abusive relationship x

pippistrelle Fri 20-May-16 14:56:33

I am really sorry your parents (or just your mother?) are so rubbish at a time when you could really do with their support. It's hard to get my head round why they would be like this. But you have clearly outlined that - for whatever reason - they have nothing to offer you by way of support at the moment, and I can't see that if you're unable to get them to accept your situation that you have much choice.

Maybe it's just really hard for them to accept that you were in a bad situation and they need some time to process that. For your own sake, I would just back away, at least for the time being, and see if things improve in time.

I hope you have other more supportive people you can call on.

carwashing Fri 20-May-16 15:00:09

Thank you for your kind words coco1810, it means a lot.

It's tough being told you are the bad guy for saying 'that's enough, I won't be treated like this anymore'.
It's tough getting out of the mindset that it's all your fault.

schlong Fri 20-May-16 15:02:12

She's probably just worried about what the neighbours'll think and expects you to keep up appearances which tragically reveals how much she cares about you. Avoid with a view to going NC if she doesn't get the message. As if you need this at this time.

ChicRock Fri 20-May-16 15:05:30

What's your parents relationship like?

My mum seems to think she and my dad will get some kind of medal for staying in their miserable marriage and she just can't understand people pursuing their own happiness and leaving unsatisfactory relationships - its like she can't stand people 'challenging' her choices by doing the opposite.

carwashing Fri 20-May-16 15:06:24

Thanks Pippistrelle, it's both parents that I have issues with.
My father dislikes me and is aggressive and controlling.
I have been apart from ex oh for over a year now, plus they have always been like this so I can't see things improving unfortunately. They see the situation as another example of how problematic I am and like to stress how difficult I make life for them.

TheHobbitMum Fri 20-May-16 15:08:11

Hugs, it's awful to have parents like that. I bought a book called Toxic Parents from Amazon and I recommend you have a read too, it really helps. hugs xx

Newyearnewbrain Fri 20-May-16 15:09:51

Carwashing just take a step back and see how much you've achieved by stepping away from an abusive relationship. You've already done something brave and improved your physical and mental welfare ten-fold.
Someone, your DM, is telling you that those brilliant, brave decisions you made to safeguard yourself and your family were wrong.
That kind of rhetoric is only cause to cause destruction and will undermine you for making the best decision of your life. If I were you, I'd detach, even for a little while and give yourself some space and time to re-build your confidence.
Time to surround yourself with friends who are going to help build you up, not knock you down.

CherryBlossom321 Fri 20-May-16 15:21:58

This sounds all too familiar. Have a look for the 'stately homes' thread if you haven't already. Have you read about the dynamics of dysfunctional families? NC is really challenging, especially if they are not good at accepting boundaries. Expect the situation to get worse before it gets better. I had weeks of phone calls/ text messages accusing me of being the problem. It settled down eventually. I now just see them at family gatherings which is manageable.

carwashing Fri 20-May-16 15:21:59

She's probably just worried about what the neighbours'll think and expects you to keep up appearances which tragically reveals how much she cares about you.

Schlong this encapsulates everything! in fact I think my mothers entire life has been based around what the neighbours think. I could be in a life or death situation and my mother's main worry would be whether my hair looks brushed in case others thought I looked scruffy - seriously I am not exaggerating.

Chicrock - my mother seems to think the sun shines from my fathers behind, even though he is controlling and a bully. She has always maintained that she 'puts her husband first, before her children'. He drives her everywhere, monitors her moves, has the phone on loudspeaker so he can listen in to all phone calls - she likes to fondly describe it as him 'wrapping her in cotton wool'.
The weird thing is though that I seem to receive the true nasty treatment from my father, more than my mother. He likes to gang up on me with her like some kind of witch hunt. Sometimes they will get so wound up about how awful I am that they go into a rant calling other people to moan and complain about my dreadfulness. Sometimes I get these random calls from people saying 'I've just had your parents on the phone...' and my heart sinks.

CherryBlossom321 Fri 20-May-16 15:24:04

Oh, and a good support network is essential. I wouldn't have had the strength to do it without a few friends who encourage and support me, and show me what family should look like.

pippistrelle Fri 20-May-16 15:24:45

*it's both parents that I have issues with.
My father dislikes me and is aggressive and controlling.*

You've done brilliantly to get out of one toxic relationship. Now it seems like you're seeing that you're still in another. As Newyearnewbrain has said, it's time to focus on the relationships you have that build you up, not those that knock you down.

Good luck.

schlong Fri 20-May-16 15:35:06

After reading your post about them ganging up on you and the witch hunts I revise my opinion and urge you to go NC quick smart. Shame you didn't years ago. And your mum's just jealous that you successfully extricated yourself from an abusive relationship whereas she hasn't got the backbone to. Well done you and fuck them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 20-May-16 15:36:59

carwashing

Its not you, its them.

Your abusive parents are only interested in one point of view only - their own. Its all about them Your mother seems to be the main instigator in that respect (image/appearances to others is important beyond measure to narcissists) and your dad is also abusive and controlling. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them, they are really as toxic and dysfunctional as one another.

Their own volatile dysfunctional relationship that you saw when growing up played a large part in you becoming involved with your violent ex in the first place. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons. You went on to be with someone who seems to be a scarily similar version to your dad. Your mother saw a kindred spirit in your ex because she is also abusive, that is also why she spouts such rubbish. She as well as your dad want absolute power and control over you as well.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and consider also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

I think going no contact with your parents would be liberating for you actually in the long run although it is not an easy thing at all to achieve. No contact is precisely that; there is no communication of any kind and any cards or assorted stuff they send is shredded or taken to the charity shop. There is no acknowledgement from you. You may also get the "flying monkeys" sent in by your parents to do their bidding for them, they may say things like, "oh your mum and dad are so upset that they haven't heard from you" etc, etc. Ignore them, they are only acting in their best interests and certainly not your interests.

Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear. You do not have to live in fear any more. You do not also have to seek your parents approval any more, not that they would have ever given this to you anyway.

I would also enrol yourself on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 20-May-16 15:40:15

How are your siblings treated by them?. What sort of relationship do you have with your siblings now?.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Fri 20-May-16 16:04:15

It's tough getting out of the mindset that it's all your fault.

^This. thanks

Particularly if you have a DM invested in keeping you quietly in your abused relationship because if you challenge it.... she has to start taking a very uncomfortable look at herself.

GiddyOnZackHunt Fri 20-May-16 16:12:07

First off, you don't have to justify or explain it yourself, them, the flying monkeys that call you or anyone else. If you feel your life would be better then do it.
From what you say, I suspect your life will be far calmer without them. Good luck.

carwashing Fri 20-May-16 16:15:48

Thank you everyone for your words and encouragement x
I have read some of the books about Toxic Parenting, and they really resonate with me and I can be fine for weeks. It's just when I have a run in with them it all come flooding back and I am that kid again full of self doubt and loathing - it's all my fault.
I think one of the problems is I do not really have a good support network - the result of cutting myself off from people for all of these years I think. I'm ready to change this though - it's just where to start when I feel so messed up and abnormal.

Attila - my db is treated differently, and seems to escape this treatment completely. However he is completely different to me. he was always in the background just quietly getting on with things, doing well at school, happily married now, family, good job etc. Although he suffered from extremely low confidence and withdrew a lot from people aswell. we are not close tbh, but we have not fallen out just don't talk to each other a lot. He does not open up at all, very closed book, whereas I open up a lot (hence why I am a 'problem' I think)

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 20-May-16 16:25:16

carwashing,

Do post also on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. Those feelings of doubt and self loathing are common amongst those now adult children who have suffered such dysfunctional and abusive parenting. Its called FOG - fear, obligation, guilt and you probably have all that in spades.

Would you be able to see a therapist about your parents; you need to see someone who has NO bias about keeping families together. BACP are good and could be of assistance to you.

Re your comment-
Attila - my db is treated differently, and seems to escape this treatment completely. However he is completely different to me. he was always in the background just quietly getting on with things, doing well at school, happily married now, family, good job etc. Although he suffered from extremely low confidence and withdrew a lot from people aswell. we are not close tbh, but we have not fallen out just don't talk to each other a lot. He does not open up at all, very closed book, whereas I open up a lot (hence why I am a 'problem' I think)

Is he younger or older than you?. Sounds like he did not entirely escape their wrathes either, his low confidence and withdrawing are probably all symptomatic of that. He just kept his head down.

You are not a problem!. Opening up is doing you a favour. You are one of your parents victims. It is not your fault this happened to you; the fault is all theirs. You were but a child.

Imbroglio Fri 20-May-16 21:56:18

Total no contact is hard but give yourself permission to have a month or six weeks or 3 months 'off' and see how it feels. You don't need to tell them explicitly that's what you are doing. Just be unavailable and busy.

SandyY2K Sat 21-May-16 07:10:45

How awful of her to want you back in that relationship... then when you spelt it out to her she hung up on you.

Yes I would go NC as well. Your mum has become conditioned to being controlled.

SeaEagleFeather Sat 21-May-16 18:50:55

You are absolutely right to stay out of your ex's clutches.

Your mother is not being your friend here; she's at best a frenemy. No loving mother wants to see her daughter in a violent abusive relationship. Only one who has lost her way as to what any real love is, and sees you (maybe without realising) as someone who's there for her to work out her own issues on.

It's not very surprising you ended up in an abusive relationship at all, though I suspect that really you know that.

PerfectStorm wrote something that still resonates deeply with me, maybe it'll help you:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time

it's a hard hard decision to cut family out of your life and to live with that, but after some months / years you begin to actually live again. You can breath. You aren't dragged down by someone who wants you to live in a miserable swamp, and my goodness the air is better when you get out of that swamp.

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