I really don't think that I can bear speaking to my parents anymore, every time I speak to them they make me feel depressed.
I was on the phone to my mum just now and even though I was explaining to her for the umpteenth time why I am not with my ex oh anymore (he is violent,abusive), she kept trying to challenge what I was saying and desperately wishing that we would get back together again. I have 'let myself go' she said the other day and was encouraging me to put some lipstick on and sort out my appearance to try and win him back. When I tell her about the violence she goes quiet and goes 'right... (silence)..' implying that it's lies/exaggarated. And there is a tone to her voice which suggests some kind of personal attack on her or something. As if I am out of order or something. A sort of awkward, scary silence. Then after that she starts getting accusatory to ME about his actions, as if she is complaining to me about the general situation, and how it has made THEM feel.
I almost feel as if she is submitting some sort of complaint to a store manager for not receiving the goods that they expected/paid for IYSWIM?
Do I ever stop to think for a minute to think about how upset they are? My going on the Freedom Programme (she doesn't even know what it is, just knows I have been on a course) for example was an example of how much I have upset them apparently. She said I am unrecognisable these days and I am so cruel to her. (the truth is I am very deadpan with them these days) When I dared say (calmly) that I am really sorry that you feel so awful about all this, but it is happening to me and I cannot go back to an abusive man because it would make you happier, she put the phone down on me. The final straw. Now she will be bitching to my father about how awful I am to her. God knows she has told me that enough times. The truth is that I tread on eggshells around her/them always have done. She started getting her nasty voice out at the end, that calm cool emotionless tone that I had all through my childhood. I really think that maybe I should go NC as this is so bad now I just feel depressed every time. Sorry I know this sounds a bit nonsensical and badly written but I just had to get it down this is becoming so frequent now and it's hard to be positive.
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Relationships
I think I might need to go NC
carwashing · 20/05/2016 14:06
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