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grrrrr how do we get past this?

(45 Posts)
strawberryblondebint Wed 18-May-16 18:11:50

Dh and I rarely argue. We are on the same page for most things. I am currently training to be a teacher and I'm on my first placement. In case it's relevant I am working in conjunction with this so earning a full time wage and being allowed time off per se to undertake placements. Dh has been self employed for a year. He buys and sells things and this involves him going to various auctions to obtain stock. He earns a few thousand more than me but not much although business is doing well.
We have a 4 year old who goes to a childminder and school nursery. Over the last few weeks various bugs have been going around the nursery. This has meant in the last 6 weeks or so our dd has had 4 bugs. Two were in the holidays so work wasn't affected. The last one she needed 2 days off childminder as she was sick from the Friday to the Sunday night. The Monday was a holiday so no probs but the Tuesday I had a meeting with my supporter teacher. Dh reluctantly missed an auction and covered that. Although there was an argument where he wanted me to miss my meeting.
Roll onto Monday night. Dd was sick once. Neither of us thought it was another bug. She seemed well and we put it down to too much sun. I have a fantastic childminder who I was honest with and she took her on the Tuesday and also sent her to nursery (I know I know but we really didn't think it was another bug) last night she was sick again. Loads and again this morning. Dh stayed home and I went to placement. He didn't have any auctions just stuff he can do from home. Dd is much better but obviously can't attend nursery due to the 48hr rule. We now know it clearly is a bug and she will have to stay home.
Dh is raging. He doesn't see why she can't go to nursery. He doesn't see why she can't go to the childminder. He also thinks that I am a selfish cow and should be taking a day off. This is despite me checking today that he would be OK for tomorrow as it is my first day teaching whole class. My placement is only 4 weeks. I simply can't be off. I thought he was delighted I was going to be a teacher and I thought he was supportive. I understand missing auctions is a problem but at the same time I have explained again and again that teachers don't get time off. It's simple.
It's the age old argument. Whose job is more important at this moment in time? I could end up having to repeat days. Letting a class down and generally making a bad impression. He has nothing on tomorrow that would be awful to miss. Yet we are going round in circles. Apparently I can't communicate. I over react. He thinks I'm changing the rules to punish him and absolving all responsibility from my sick child. He tells me he is one hundred percent behind me doing this yet is huffing and sulking. I spoke to my childminder and she will take her and now he's saying that he needs to think about that as it feels like we are fobbing off a sick child on her. I can't fucking win.
And this will come up again in the future. The whole point I thought about him being self employed was to be able to handle these emergencies. Yet looks like I will be punished in the future. As if I don't feel fucking shite about leaving a sick child. We have no family near.
I just can't see a resolution and am wondering why I am knocking my pan in to try and be a teacher if he is going to make me feel like shit every time my child is ill. Help

strawberryblondebint Wed 18-May-16 19:52:18

And I'm sorry that's so badly written. Rant over.

HandbagCrazy Wed 18-May-16 20:05:52

Your husband is being a selfish arse.

Right now your placement is more important, and it's not even like you need him to handle childcare now your Cm has agreed to take her.

Why is he being so crap about this? Is he usually so selfish? Is he saying supportive things about teaching but not following it up with actions?

As an aside, my DH is just finishing a similar vocational course with placements. We don't have DC but it has meant that for those few weeks he hasn't pulled his weight, and similar at exam time. It's hard to finish work and then do his share as well as mine but needs must - he would do (and has done) the same for me and that's how it should work

Iflyaway Wed 18-May-16 20:21:28

Yea, when it comes down to it, it's all about him.

I had the same, reason I'm a LP, so much easier without a partner throwing his wobblies when family life doesn't suit his selfish needs.

RosieandJim89 Wed 18-May-16 20:30:01

We have this problem sometimes. I am a teacher, DH works in marketing. Luckily I work in a college and if I don't have a class then I can work from home. If I have a class I cannot miss it. DH often struggles and thinks I should take time off. His Employer is not very understanding but him being off is no disaster, just his boss will be a bit peeved. If I am off when a class should take place then around a dozen people at least are put out and more if my course then over runs to compensate as most are being released from the workplace to do it.
Your DH is going to have to realise that this comes with the job.

ivykaty44 Wed 18-May-16 20:31:27

You need to share sick days, your dp can't be expected to do all of them.

You have chosen to go into teaching but that can't be at the detriment of someone else's career.

Your dc is the of both of you, both mum and dad need to take care of sick child.

Dangerouswoman Wed 18-May-16 21:11:59

Well when you are a teacher with young children this will always be a problem so you need to sort out now how you are going to work it.

It is easier in some jobs than others to take time off eg work from home/take flexi/take holiday/unpaid leave. You can't do that in teaching.

Also when you are not there you can disrupt hundreds of people in one day eg a secondary school teacher might have five classes in a day plus a form class = 180 pupils to be covered plus maybe a break duty or meeting or assembly. So there is the guilt of letting down all those pupils (they might have exams) and the worry about the number of colleagues you have pissed off who have to set your work, possibly cover your class, do your duty etc.

At least there are the two of you plus a childminder and a nursery for childcare. I became a single parent when I was teaching and it was impossible to cover illness, appointments, inset days, sports days, Christmas concerts etc for more than one child.

Some headteachers are more sympathetic than others but these days they have LA policies to follow and I found they got stricter about time off and I had to give up in the end.

Do you have family to help in emergencies? Are you planning to have more children?

I would say it is fair to take it in turns but it depends on the knock-on effect it has on his work and earnings too. It is particularly important that you are there in your training period as obviously you are being assessed and you will need good references to get your first job.

Boolovessulley Wed 18-May-16 21:20:52

Yourdh was being totally unreasonable suggesting a sick child go to the childminder.

As a teacher I think that you should cover sick days which fall on school holidays/bank holidays/weekends.
Your dh should cover the rest.

Without support you will find this situation insufferable.

What would happen if your dh was a single parent, he would have to look after his child then.

DoinItFine Wed 18-May-16 22:11:55

He is self employed and therefore flexible pretty much by definition.

You are studying for one of the least flexible jobs there are when it comes to time off.

Your steady wage will offset his risky one, but the price of that is that he needs to be the one to cover absences.

If he only clears a few extra thousand a year, the your future job with its security and pension is by far the more valuable of the two to your family.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 18-May-16 22:55:12

Hang tough through this. You must not give in to huffing and puffing. On this occasion, his work suffers not yours.

When DD is better and you have both calmed down then you've got to come to an agreement about how much time you each take off for illnesses and what type of special situation would cause one party to get priority to work.

Nanny0gg Wed 18-May-16 23:01:53

He is self employed and therefore flexible pretty much by definition.

Not in the slightest. Just because you are your own 'boss' it doesn't mean you can do what you want. It totally depends on what business you are in. Many will have a knock-on effect on other people which can also then have a knock-on effect on reputation and future earnings.

In the OP's case I don't think she should miss her placement. However her DH can't always miss auctions as that could seriously affect his earning power. They need to discuss how this is going to work in the future for both of them.

Isetan Thu 19-May-16 06:37:52

It sounds like someone's having difficulties in adjusting to you not being the 'on call' parent and is trying to manipulate you by sulking and questioning your competence as a mother. Funny how these types are fully supportive as long as it doesn't effect them.

The only thing you can do is to stand your ground and show him that you aren't one to be manipulated. However, if you don't have his support then your career in teaching is going to be blighted by such incidents and your relationship will suffer from the resentment that comes from having an entitled dick as a partner.

DoreenLethal Thu 19-May-16 06:44:05

If you were working from home and he worked in an office, would he automatically take the day off to let you carry on working from home or expect you to always look after a sick child?

BIWI Thu 19-May-16 06:48:30

I think you have the wrong kind of childcare, to be honest.

This is an issue that isn't going to go away. And as other PP have said, just because your DH is self-employed, doesn't really mean he's got more flexibility that you have. If he misses an auction, then he's missing an income-generating opportunity, which has to be important!

Sounds to me like you need to look into a nanny, who will be able to work around you and your family's needs much more than a childminder.

strawberryblondebint Thu 19-May-16 06:59:03

Thanks for all the advice. I think you all have a point. Once things are calm then I will try and talk to him. Boo loves sully I agree with what you said and that is what I thought we agreed both when he became self employed and when I began my course.
Seems like in practice though he is resentful. I'm sure when I am actually earning a teachers salary he might find a sudden change of heart.
A nanny is not an affordable option. My childminder is amazing and lives 2 doors away and Dd loves her.
I just hate when he turns into sulky man child He also is really clever at twisting his words so I always get tied up in knots and made to feel like shit.
I'm standing my ground on this one though. When things are calm and Dd is better we will be having a talk. I can't live under a cloud. This is my second marriage and I refuse to walk on eggshells like in my first.
I appreciate all the comments. flowers

DoreenLethal Thu 19-May-16 07:00:46

If he misses an auction, then he's missing an income-generating opportunity, which has to be important!

Aren't many auctions available on line these days anyway? So if he looked at the items beforehand he may be able to bid online. From home.

Dozer Thu 19-May-16 07:05:06

Sulking and "twisting" words (gaslighting?) are not OK. Is he like that with other things?

Teaching is inflexible like this and he must have known that. At least you can cover the holidays as a PP says. Point out that if you were doing an office job (more flexible for sick days for DC) you'd only get 5 weeks holiday or whatever so he'd have to share or pay for masses of holiday childcare.

It needs to explicitly be "the deal" that he covers all sick days, with no nasty behaviour from him, or with you comes up with back up options, eg an agency temp nanny (£££), local ad hoc nanny you find yourselves, or a relative if that's possible.

To the poster suggesting a nanny: get real! Nannies are unaffordable for many.

CitySnicker Thu 19-May-16 07:05:58

My student took a couple of days off when she was ill during her continuous cover. Didn't impact the outcome of her placement one bit. Agree it depends on the class teacher / head though.

Whathaveilost Thu 19-May-16 07:10:24

He is self employed and therefore flexible pretty much by definition
Ha ha ha!

DoinItFine Thu 19-May-16 07:22:07

A person who works for themselves is flexible in a way a teacher will never be able to be.

You can miss "income generating opportunities" and still get to be self-employed.

Yes, it will affect your earning power.

But being a parent affects earnings power if you are the more flexible parent.

You can't be a self employed vendor of things bought at auctions, married to a teacher, and bringing in barely more than a teacher earns, and think your auctionsearch trump school.

Nobody other than you will even notice if you don't show up to your auction.

There are women up and down the country starting businesses under thesection constraints. It is just expected. A woman who expected her lifestyle business to be put ahead of the family's main steady wage would be considered a crank.

Untilet he earns enough to pay for a nanny, he needs to cover sick days ams that will mean missing a few auctions.

That's how it goes when you set up a business when you have small children.

CitySnicker Thu 19-May-16 07:39:48

I think teachers should feel confident in taking time off in line with other professions. The guilt at being off is partially self-imposed. It's up to the school to have workarounds built in and is not their place to make you feel more guilty.

HandyWoman Thu 19-May-16 07:47:38

When I was with my twatty ex I worked from home then trained for a much less flexible job. Twatty ex claimed to be fully supportive of my re-training but then just could not bear to be expected to put himself out for sick kids or nursery pickups. Because the preceding years had convinced him that the dc/house/finances had become de facto my job. He never adjusted. Is is now my ex husband. This kind of shite (it is fundamentally a non teamwork attitude) will kill a marriage.

GeorgeTheThird Thu 19-May-16 07:50:41

He's self employed. That gives him extremely valuable flexibility. Shame he's being such an arse about it. Does he think everything to do with home and children is women's work? It sounds like it.

Hold onto your career OP, you might regret giving it up.

GeorgeTheThird Thu 19-May-16 07:52:57

"You have chosen to go into teaching but that can't be at the detriment of someone else's career."

Never seen a man feel this way...

CitySnicker Thu 19-May-16 07:54:02

...has he said how much of a financial impact this will have given, presumably, that you're not paid by employers when you are off on placement? If it wil be beans for tea for the next month, you need to work to share the responsibility.

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