Hi. Long time lurker and nervously posting for the first time as I'm in a quandary and need help navigating.
I've been with my partner for 14y and married for 7. Four years ago he quit his job to start a business. It was pre us having kids and I earned more and could keep us both so we decided it was the best time. However, it quickly became apparent that the businesses he was trying to start weren't going anywhere and that he's probably not a natural business man.
I then fell pregnant and he still wasn't earning any money really. Baby came and I went on mat leave and wanted to take the full year. It wasn't possible due to Him not working. There was some work he could do but he often turned it down as it was below him. This caused loads of resentment from me to him and our relationship really struggled.
Fast forward and I get went back to work and got Pregnant again, I went off and knew I'd only be able to take 5-6 months so reconciled myself with that. Whilst I was off he decided to take an expensive course meaning he couldn't work and we had to borrow money to pay it. Again lots of frustration from me and huge resentment.
I'm now back to work again and my job really changed while I was off and in effect I have been completely sidelined and demoted but still paid the same with similar title. I hate it and I'm really struggling with being away from the kids.
Recently our relationship has got worse. We argued a lot when I first went back to work and now we barely talk except to talk about chores or kids. I tried making effort physically and date nights but he's never interested and comments on things going south and me not being toned so I get he doesn't fancy me. I'm size 8-10 so not massively bigger than I was but things obviously aren't quite as they were. I've started back at the gym but I'm taking easy as had baby less than a year ago.
I'm now in a place where I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy at home, unhappy at work. I'm the breadwinner so can't just quit. I'm really stressed and depressed by it. I've tried telling this to him but he just says it makes sense for me to work as I earn more and I have a flexible job. I know I'm lucky to have this but I really hate it and want to be home with my kids or at least work pt with less stress as my job, while flexible is massively stressful and I'm always on duty at work even weekends, Christmas etc.
I've started looking at divorce but I'm petrified he'd get custody as he's sahd.
I've tried making suggestions to him about moving somewhere cheaper to lower outgoings so I could work in a less stressful job but he's wedded to this area as we are nearish both families. Anything I suggest whether it's him working more, or moving he just sneers and says he loves it here - we are London so everything is expensive.
I feel like I've got all the pressure, I have to support us plus I do tonnes around the house - washing, cooking, general organisation. He's great at looking after the kids and will clean up after them but a lot of household stuff falls to me - but he does tonnes of DIY.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so depressed and I feel totally trapped. The pressure of everything is making me sick.
I should add he's a great and doting dad but I think he's also depressed and frustrated but won't tackle anything it's easier for me to just keep going. I'm really struggling sleeping and just can't stop thinking about things but he won't listen to me or hear my hurt.
Any advice welcome.
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Relationships
Depressed and confused
14 replies
miltonandthefriedmans · 18/05/2016 01:50
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