Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Depressed and confused(15 Posts)
Hi. Long time lurker and nervously posting for the first time as I'm in a quandary and need help navigating.
I've been with my partner for 14y and married for 7. Four years ago he quit his job to start a business. It was pre us having kids and I earned more and could keep us both so we decided it was the best time. However, it quickly became apparent that the businesses he was trying to start weren't going anywhere and that he's probably not a natural business man.
I then fell pregnant and he still wasn't earning any money really. Baby came and I went on mat leave and wanted to take the full year. It wasn't possible due to Him not working. There was some work he could do but he often turned it down as it was below him. This caused loads of resentment from me to him and our relationship really struggled.
Fast forward and I get went back to work and got Pregnant again, I went off and knew I'd only be able to take 5-6 months so reconciled myself with that. Whilst I was off he decided to take an expensive course meaning he couldn't work and we had to borrow money to pay it. Again lots of frustration from me and huge resentment.
I'm now back to work again and my job really changed while I was off and in effect I have been completely sidelined and demoted but still paid the same with similar title. I hate it and I'm really struggling with being away from the kids.
Recently our relationship has got worse. We argued a lot when I first went back to work and now we barely talk except to talk about chores or kids. I tried making effort physically and date nights but he's never interested and comments on things going south and me not being toned so I get he doesn't fancy me. I'm size 8-10 so not massively bigger than I was but things obviously aren't quite as they were. I've started back at the gym but I'm taking easy as had baby less than a year ago.
I'm now in a place where I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy at home, unhappy at work. I'm the breadwinner so can't just quit. I'm really stressed and depressed by it. I've tried telling this to him but he just says it makes sense for me to work as I earn more and I have a flexible job. I know I'm lucky to have this but I really hate it and want to be home with my kids or at least work pt with less stress as my job, while flexible is massively stressful and I'm always on duty at work even weekends, Christmas etc.
I've started looking at divorce but I'm petrified he'd get custody as he's sahd.
I've tried making suggestions to him about moving somewhere cheaper to lower outgoings so I could work in a less stressful job but he's wedded to this area as we are nearish both families. Anything I suggest whether it's him working more, or moving he just sneers and says he loves it here - we are London so everything is expensive.
I feel like I've got all the pressure, I have to support us plus I do tonnes around the house - washing, cooking, general organisation. He's great at looking after the kids and will clean up after them but a lot of household stuff falls to me - but he does tonnes of DIY.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so depressed and I feel totally trapped. The pressure of everything is making me sick.
I should add he's a great and doting dad but I think he's also depressed and frustrated but won't tackle anything it's easier for me to just keep going. I'm really struggling sleeping and just can't stop thinking about things but he won't listen to me or hear my hurt.
Any advice welcome.
He wants everything on his terms and no compromise - because it suits him, the useless, lazy cocklodger.
Tell him to man up and get a job or leave. If a woman sat around all that time not working and wanting the London life, she'd get slated and called a gold-digger!
Show him this post and ask him what he would suggest you do. I think you need to think about leaving and start to get your affairs in order, it's always a fear that you will lose your children but this is very unlikely, get legal advise your company will probably have an outside agency that can help you and council ing will help you and get you the tools to decide what to do. Do you love your husband
Go and see a solicitor that specialises in family law, and start putting your affairs in order...
Thanks, for replies. Right now I don't know if I love him. There's so much resentment and I don't feel like I'm in a partnership at all. I feel like there's no 'us', just two people parenting but with a lot of the stress and expectation on me.
I regularly think about leaving and how my life could work. It's only the kids and their relationship with him that keeps me here as well as the practicalities.
I feel frustrated for you. It sounds like you are really unhappy! I don't have a happy ever story where me and my ex husband are concerned but I have a happy ever after story where me and my dc's are
One thing I will say is maybe try marriage counselling? Someone else may be able to help him understand how you feel. I'm not an advocate for it but it's something we didn't try and I always wondered if it might of helped.
Bless you. To me, it sounds like the resentment has built up so much, that I'm not sure you see much of a future together anyway?
I would try one last time speaking it through with him, but if not, get your affairs in order. Is it possible, that if you moved somewhere cheaper, you would be better off yourself financially to do this by yourself if you needed to? Awful for you that you seem to have no choice to stay in a job you hate
You know what, I don't know why you are even entertaining this man (I use this word loosely, he's not a man to me).
This man cannot even go out and support his family while you are struggling, he's not a doting dad at all really.
I can't believe he's commenting on your weight.
The truth is, this man has absolutely nothing to offer and you have a lot to offer. You are a strong woman with a career. If this man cannot appreciate you, there will be someone out there who worships the ground you walk on.
I would get rid.
Thank you all. I appreciate your words. He often makes out I'm crazy for feeling like I do and says I'm weak etc. I think I'll look at some legal advice and also look into counselling so at least I know I've tried.
If we spilt I'd move somewhere cheaper and make it work somehow.
Being in a toxic relationship really brings you down in ways you can't imagine and I just can't face the rest of my life like this.
If it was just the job it would be unimpressive but the weight comments are vile. You've had his kids ffs. Get legal advice xxxx
Ask him to find you a couple counsellor and book the initial session. He has the time to research it. You don't. If he won't then there's no point anyway.
I'd get legal advice now anyway.
I really feel for you what you are describing is untenable and you can't go on like this forever. Put it this way, he isn't going to change, why would he? He doesn't have to work and has you there making an effort and he has his kids all the time but no financial responsibility... His life is an easy one. All the pressure and emotional stress is selling on you. Not only this, but you've told him this and he doesn't care.
Two things stand out from your post.
1. He's work shy. He is never going to get a job and support you all there will always be an excuse. You will always have to provide for you all if you stay with him. Also on his terms eg living where he wants.
2. He's trying to hurt you and bring you down- the comments about your weight are ridiculous, cruel and manipulative. Of course your body is going to look different so soon after having a baby! He's a pig.
From what I've read you need an exit plan. Imagine yourself as a single parent and work out a plan for that. Childcare, all expenses etc. If it comes to it you demonstrate you can easily be the primary carer despite working.
Do not attend joint counselling with this man. He will use the sessions to bring you down even further.
My XH did something very similar. He decided a few years ago that he was going to be self-employed
having lost yet another job and didn't even consult me about it. Just told me that was what he would be doing. He then spent the next 5 years sat on the sofa while I worked full time. He didn't look after the kids or do any housework, just sat on the sofa and got fat.
I tried every way I could think of to motivate him to get a job or put some effort into his business. He just expected it all to come to him. I tried positive motivation, shouting, crying etc. but he was comfortably cocklodging on the sofa and shouting at everyone.
My resentment just grew and coupled with him being obviously depressed about the situation but not willing to do anything about it, which resulted in him being angry with everyone including the DC.
It took me a year to get my head in the right place and finally ended it at the beginning of last year.
Since then he has been forced to get off his arse and support himself. He seems to be quite busy, although claims to not earn enough to pay any child maintenance! Yet another battle!
I completely understand how you are feeling OP. Get your ducks in a row and tell him to sling his hook
The saddest thing about a toxic relationship - and I agree with you OP, it is toxic - is that he doesn't care that you are desperate. He doesn't appear to give a shit that you are suffering so much, with everything on your shoulders. It's that feeling of 'what sort of person would happily sit back and watch the love of their life suffer?' Well, I'm afraid the answer is 'An arsehole'. And, finally 'An Arsehole that doesn't give a toss about you.' That's what he is saying to you. And it is incredibly hard to process.
He. Doesn't. Care.
That's what you are faced with. Once you've accepted that, then the next steps become more obvious.
Sorry you're going through this OP. You sound great. You will have a better life away from this man. Just why he wants to be this person is a mystery that you may never solve. Stop trying to solve it yourself though and get some really good legal support to remove yourself from a relationship with him. You deserve a lot better than this.
Join the discussion
Please login first.