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Horrible relationship and wonder if I can salvage it.(7 Posts)
I feel like we hate each other. It's awful.
Our main areas of dispute are our families, housework and money.
This weekend we had a massive fight. He'd just come back from seeing his family with DD who is 2. I was feeling hard done by because felt his family would have loved that I wasn't with them so I admit that I made a couple of snide comments. I don't feel proud of myself because of this but it caused such a huge reaction from my husband - telling me I am nothing but a child and that he regretted coming back home as I am so horrible and that not even DD wants to be around me, kicking my stuff, asking me what he did to deserve such a bitch for a wife etc.
We have lots of problems regarding language and culture too - I am from the UK but we live in his country and I feel like he and his whole family are obsessed with getting DD to talk in their language. It's obvious she'll have their language - she's in crèche 4 days a week. So she hardly says anything in English. If she finally says a word in English my husband will often repeat the word in his language until she only says it in his language. Whenever I'm talking to DD my husband repeats my questions in his language so she only ever answers in that language. His family do the same thing. I feel like my culture and language are being squashed by his which makes me resent them.
We argue a lot about housework as he basically does nothing and I do everything. This is because he works 5 days a week nonstop (generally coming home at around 8pm and then working from home for a few more hours) so he feels he can't do anything else. I work 4 days a week so I do have more time but I am really busy too - I manage a team and my job is demanding. We do have a cleaner but there is obviously other stuff to do in between. If I ever ask for help he just says he will pay for more cleaning hours and that he is too stressed and busy to help at home. He often tells me I am disorganized and messy and accuses me of losing or misplacing his things when I know I haven’t touched them. The only thing he does at home is look after DD but I resent him for that because he gets to play with her whilst I'm cleaning / cooking / tidying and it's never the other way around. He will argue that I get more time with her because I work less.
Coming to money - he earns double than I do so he seems to think it's ok for him to make decisions about money but I can't. I do have freedom with money in that I do have my own account and can spend my spare cash as I want but I'm often questioned about prices and costs and I am expected to save the majority of spare cash. He can be very harsh when I want to visit my family as it incurs costs. But if we want to visit his family, money is no object. He often tells me I am irresponsible with money. If I, for example, spend money on a service that he thinks is unnecessary then he will tell me I act as though money grows on trees and am disorganized. If he were to do the same he would just say that he's too busy to do otherwise so it's no problem.
I feel like we in a total impasse. I am far from perfect and can be passive aggressive, grumpy and I definitely have issues surrounding his mother's role in our DD's life (firstly as my mum is dead and I miss her terribly and secondly as mil is great but definitely overbearing). He however is extremely uptight and seems to look for reasons to be angry. He never seems to have any empathy for me. He flies off the handle. He is impossible to talk to as will always trip me up somehow and attack my arguments. When we discuss things he talks to me like I'm an employee - I find it so condescending that I end up getting angry and we never discuss anything.
I wonder if there is anything I can do. We both adore DD (another source of conflict as we end up being competitive in our adoration of her and he often insinuates that I am a bad parent or don’t know what I am doing) but we are both unhappy. I feel like leaving him but I want to try to get through it for DD. We used to get on well and have fun. But I know that ultimately DD needs good role models in life and not a divided couple for parents.
Thanks for reading, sorry it's all a bit garbled and long.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet here?. What is the justice system like in this country if you were to leave him?. It seems that his family of origin are rotten at the core as well; the apple did not fall far from the tree.
Re this part of your comment:-
"I don't feel proud of myself because of this but it caused such a huge reaction from my husband - telling me I am nothing but a child and that he regretted coming back home as I am so horrible and that not even DD wants to be around me, kicking my stuff, asking me what he did to deserve such a bitch for a wife etc.
If he said all that then why is he still there?. I could perhaps tell you why, because he can and he enjoys having all the power and control over you. You to him are a non person.
May I ask what continent you are in if the name of the country is too specific?.
You and he need to be apart now particularly if you feel like leaving him. He does not seem to be at all supportive of you in any way whatsoever and treats you like a hired help.
Unless he himself wants to make changes (and it seems that he clearly does not because he gets what he wants out of this) you cannot carry this relationship on your own. You will destroy your own self in the process.
Re your comment:-
"I do have freedom with money in that I do have my own account and can spend my spare cash as I want but I'm often questioned about prices and costs and I am expected to save the majority of spare cash"
That makes me think that he is financially abusing you as well; I presume he can spend as and when he pleases and you have no say in that. This is all about power and control, he wants absolute and is also not above using his DD to get back at you as well. His double standards as well are classic of men who also emotionally abuse their chosen victim.
What do you want to teach her about relationships?.
Staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever works out well.
What is she learning from the two of you about relationships here?. She will also learn from you two that a loveless marriage is her norm too, that is really no legacy to leave her. She could also go onto find a man who also flies off the handle and shows her no empathy because that is also what she knows.
Thanks for your reply Attila. It's not easy, I don't get much at all out of the relationship other than that I am quite comfortable financially (even though he is annoying about money).
I suppose I want to make things better which is why I'm hoping that I can make things change. It makes me sad that we don't get on.
We live in Europe.
He sounds awful. I suppose all you can do if you're not scared of him is sit him down and explain how he makes you feel in all the ways you've expressed it here. Either he's an abusive sod and you need to start planning how you leave, or he's someone who's let work stress get on top of them and doesn't realize what he's doing. If you've got any chance of not divorcing, you have to be able to talk to him again and again until he fixes all the things he does that bother you.
re your comment:-
"I suppose I want to make things better which is why I'm hoping that I can make things change. It makes me sad that we don't get on".
How long do you really want to try and spend on making this better; another 6 months let alone a further year or five will really destroy you emotionally from the inside out. You cannot do that on your own, he has to want to change things and it looks like he is not at all bothered about doing so.
I would argue that your H is happy as he is and does not want to change anything in the relationship. This is who he is and his family of origin are always going to side with him over you. He seems very fixed on turning your own child against you, she is also being manipulated here. She's hearing all this rubbish about you that her dad comes out with. Over time she could well go onto mimic his own disrespect of you.
He is not just simply "annoying" about money either; that is also being used by him to further control and belittle you. Him kicking your stuff around (I would think he never does that to what he regards as "his" things) is plainly unacceptable as well. That can also be cited as domestic abuse.
I would seek legal advice about separating from him; you do not have to immediately act on it but knowledge after all is power.
Thank you Attila. I may be taking that legal advice sooner rather than later. We had a big disagreement yesterday. I was chattering on and he was quite receptive although he was working. However he soon started rolling his eyes. I was annoyed and said I was worth a proper reply to which he mocked me and then just got angrier and angrier (without provocation) telling me I do nothing but give him grief, why can't I just leave him alone, why do I have to look for problems. He also threw dd's beaker across the room so I left the room and closed the door but he continued shouting until I went in and calmly told him to calm down. I said I was closing the door behind me because he was being aggressive which is not acceptable. He carried out screaming and started hitting things so I said his behaviour was wrong and I wanted a divorce.
I don't think it was at all the right time to say this and I regret it; it is not something to be said lightly and I should not have said it in the heat of the moment.
After an hour or so I went to talk to him but he told me to go away and that he does not want to speak to me. He slept in the living room (although did a lot of slamming doors before he went to sleep as he couldn't get to sleep). I went to bed crying and this morning he blanked me.
I feel like he wanted me to threaten the divorce because he can now be angry with me for being horrible. He doesn't think I'll go through with it. He doesn't seem in the slightest bit inclined to make an effort to talk about things.
Well, then you have your answer. He uses everythingto get at you.
Just get out of this. Life can be so mich nicer.
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