I've fallen right back into his trap- Is he really just using me?

[hollowintheriver]

Hey all;

Here are links of a previous thread I created (so you can read the backstory as I can't be arsed to type it up all again).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2599577-do-i-owe-to-give-my-dp-sex

So basically, I did what you all suggested. I applied the 'no contact rule' (well limited contact cause of DS) I have been going to meet up groups in my area, I was planning to go on holiday with DS (as I've never gone on holiday with just us before), I decided to brighten up my wardrobe (as family members and friends have told me that I wear mostly blue/black/grey clothing), I declined to have sex with DS dad from the last time I spoke to him. I was finally moving on, yes I was upset for a few days, but I was getting on.

Until...

He called me and said that he wanted do spend the day with DS and I.

Previous to that, DS hadn't seen his dad for 3 weeks, we didn't hear anything from him. Till we did, he mentioned that he got into a car crash and broke his phone, so couldn't contact me ( he told me this on the day that he said he wanted to spend the day with DS and I).

We had a great day, I felt like a family with him DS and I, and of course I was in cloud cuckoo land. I felt disheartened that later on the day he asked me if I could come to his for sex, I lied and said that I was on my period and I quickly changed the subject and suggested that after we are done at the museum, we should grab lunch. He loves food, so I knew this would make him forget about the unwanted sex as he was being cold/distant. But after that he was ok, and we enjoyed the rest of the day.

DS dad mentioned that his moving out soon and that DS and I could live with him ( H lives in a hostel and children are not allowed to stay there) etc etc and that he loved us--basically all that bullshit.

So I was stupidly dreaming that him and I would grow a big family, that we would move in with him, life would be perfect, that I'm going to marry my childhood sweetheart soon, there would be no more abuse, no more hurt etc etc.

I quickly waked up, when a few days later after we saw him, I called him to see how he was as I hadn't heard from him. He was clearly stressed about something when I spoke to him on the phone, I asked him that " why didn't he call me, that I hadn't heard from him"; then he shouted down at the phone saying "YOU HAVE CONTRACT DO YOU? WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME? I HAVE NO CREDIT, YOU ARE THE SECOND PERSON THAT TOLD ME THIS, YOU BOTH HAVE CONTRACT....I'M PISSED OFF ALREADY AS IT IS", I just hang the phone up. I realised that him saying " you are the second person that told me this...", meaning that he is seeing a girl and she must of told him the exact same thing.

I then realised that he didn't really want to see me, when he said that he wanted to see DS and I. I think he just wanted to see DS as he didn't se him for the past 3 weeks, and I guess I'm just in that package etc etc.

Am i right?

I feel so stupid. Thank God I did;t have sex with him as I would of felt worse. But I was moving on...I was actually looking forward to move on with my life without him cramping my head..I have currently met so many new fantastic people via or local meet up groups, I was planning to book holiday tickets for DS and I. But as soon as his dad called me, it was like my world has stopped and I went back into lala land, how can I stop this and remain strong? I really do not want to waste my 20's on this good for nothing guy.

[hownottofuckup]

Ah no. Yup, been there done that.
He's using you. If you want your happy ending, MOVE ON.
But beware that every time he see's you moving on, he will try and suck you right back in again. You need to get strong and build boundaries.

[hollowintheriver]

Thanks for replying how, I know this is a stupid question, but how do you know DS dad is using me?

[Hollowintheriver]

His really not the one for me . Stupid as it sounds, I wanted all my children to have the same father, I wanted to marry my childhood sweetheart, all this is so so sad to come to terms with.

[hollowintheriver]

Anyone else?

[Unicow]

We all want that. It's the dream to marry your childhood sweetheart, have kids and live happily ever after. Sadly though that dream is very rare.

It's not unreasonable to want that but I'm afraid it is unreasonable to think that this guy can give you that.

If I recall you've been with this guy for several years but neither of you have mentioned marriage or living together and neither of you seem bothered by that. I think deep down you see him for the abusive controlling asshat he is. It's hard though. No one wants to admit they "fucked up and wasted years on the wrong guy." The regrets will just pile higher though the longer you stay in this relationship.

He gave you your DS. He has nothing else left for you sadly. He seems to offer no money, no support, no affection outside of sex and won't even go for a day out with you ffs. Was the trip you went on your first as a family?

You need to read back all you've written as if someone else wrote it. Would you advise them to put up with the constant demands? The fear of physical abuse? The lack of support?

You can be free and you can be happy. You need to realise that your happy ever after doesn't lie with this guy.

[Unicow]

Sadly I think he took you out as he saw it as a way to see his DS and get sex from you. I suspect he has his eye on other girls who turned him down so he is trying to manipulate you into caving. You deserve so much more.

[hollowintheriver]

Thanks for your advice unicorn DS dad has always pressured me to live with him get married, but I'd always declined as he is very abusive. I imagine that if I ever lived with him that he would eventually kill me.

It did bother me, but I did not want to marry or live with an abuser unless he changed and Ofcourse as he lives sex so much, that if I lived with him, he would be demanding sex 24/7 and believe it or not, I would end up with 6 kids or more.

[hollowintheriver]

We haven't been out, like a "family" for a very long while, yes.

[Unicow]

Follow that piece of your heart keeping you safe from this man. You will be far better off without him.

[hollowintheriver]

Thank you unicow

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

I just want to add well done OP. You're beating yourself up about gong to see him but look at what happened - you did it on your terms, he cannot accuse you of withholding ds and you firmly told him no sex. That is huge!
Please please build on this. Can you get another phone (a cheap pay as you go) and give only him the number. That way, he can contact you about ds but again it'll be on your terms - only switch it on at set times / certain days, when you're ready. Anything unrelated to ds you just delete.
I think the more space you carve out for yourself, the more you'll enjoy your freedom.

Oh, and for what it's worth, my first love was a grade A bastard (bully, abusive, cheat). Within 2 months of finishing with him I met a nice boy who randomly complimented my laugh. 6 months later he became dp. 13 years later he is my lovely DH. First love can be overrated. Feeling safe and peaceful is much more valuable

[hollowintheriver]

Thanks Is, to be honest, I did tell him a lie- that I was on my period so I wasn't completely being stern with him. But thanks so much and I'm glad you met your current DP.

[Isetan]

You're using each other, he wants sex on tap and you know that sex is the only carrot you have to secure your unrealistic 'happy ever after' (which should tell you everything about the viability of your hopes).

Stop the daydreaming and focus your energies on securing a contact schedule for your son, contact should not be used as an opportunity for a bunk up. You're not a family and you do you and especially your son, no favours by kidding yourself.

[PalaceResident]

Just like to say OP you are being strong and changing things. You'll be so grateful to yourself that you had the strength to see this through.

I know it's hard, you ask how another poster knows he's using you...? You've written that you suspect he's seeing another girl. This should be enough for you.

If you can have a good relationship as parents for the sake of your DS then try to be happy with that but move on to find a real love relationship for yourself!

[hollowintheriver]

Isetan how dare you say I'm using DS dad. All I wanted was a happy family unit with him. All I wanted was a guy to respect me... I use to feel like that I had to have sex with him in order for him to stay with him-- I don't think I'm using him by thinking like that.

[hollowintheriver]

Isetan and no way do I use contact to bunk it of with him. You may find that he is the one! If him and me attend parents evening, afterwards he always tells me to have sex with him. If we go to the shops together, he always ask me to have sex with him, get the patten?

If I don't have sex with him, he gets very very angry. He will often humiliate me in public, get aggressive etc. So don't you ever say that I'm using him.

[GeorgeTheThird]

You're not losing what you had with him.
You're losing what you wanted with him.
But you never actually had it, he isn't what you wanted, you just want him to be. IYSWIM.

[JonSnowsBeardClippings]

He used you because he wanted to see his son and couldn't be arsed to have him on his own I bet. I also bet you paid for the day out?

Have you actually told him the relationship is over? It's odd for someone who isn't in a relationship with someone to be expecting sex.

And no more family days out, like ever.

[RoseDeGambrinus]

I don't understand - you said you were dreaming of moving in together and being a big happy family but also say he is very abusive, could eventually kill you, is very aggressive and humiliates you...?

[Mumfortoddler]

You sound afraid of him- which is why you haven't committed to him so far. If you can- read 'Living with the Dominator' Pat Craven. Easy to read book but explains the trap you're in. He has you ensnared in his grasp, but it's important to realise you shouldn't have to be afraid your partner might kill you if you marry. My ex used to threaten to kill me. I guess what finally triggered me to give him the boot was when my DS became traumatised by his actions. I have been free now 6 and a half years. I am so glad I left- not sure I would be alive now if I hadn't. Finally getting free was very liberating- like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The best feeling was feeling happy again to my core. Stay safe whatever you do and when you eventually decide to go- don't tell him just go. I decided to tell him and that was a huge mistake- he assaulted me!!

[gamerchick]

Well you're getting 'something' out of it OP. I agree with what a lot of isetan is saying. If he treats you like that then why meet up with him for days out? I'm assuming you paid?

Sort out contact and talk about the bairn only. Personally I'd be asking for supervised contact if he's so bad tempered.

[hollowintheriver]

Gamer chick you might as well ask, "why do some women go back to their abusive boyfriends?", "why do some women stay with their partner who is continuously cheating with them" etc. Does that mean that the woman are using the men?

I'm not getting anything from seeing him to be honest. But I guess I thought he changed and that he actually wanted to see me and make it work... I don't know.

And no, he paid this time and yes I have continuously told him that we are not together anymore--

[hollowintheriver]

Mumfortoddler DS dad will eventually kill me if I ever lived with him, he was physically abusive towards me and would keep going and going and will never stop.

[gamerchick]

No the question I ask is why do mothers expose their children repeatedly to someone they know to be an abuser every time said abuser clicks his fingers? I see it often the kids just getting a token mention second to their mothers feelings about their dads.

This man is an abuser you fear will kill you eventually, nags for sex and has you come running when he wants but what gives you the hump is the thought of him seeing someone else?

You don't have the right to hope he's changed and you're going to set off into the sunset with a happy ever after. He's a knob and you need to concentrate on your child having a stable life.

[DrMorbius]

hollow I feel very sorry and very sad for your DS. Why on earth would you want to play "Happy families" with someone described by you as someone who would probably kill me. Why would you expose your DS to that environment? You need help.