Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Long, normal and boring but it will help me just to type it out!(13 Posts)
I dumped a slightly rubbish man a couple of months ago. In the beginning we fancied each other like mad and he was incredibly charismatic, it was a bit of a whirlwind, he started out with all the I'm so in love, I want to marry you etc, all of which I returned totally. It really was amazing. But he refused to handle an ongoing "situation" with his ex maturely and then ultimately (after about 4 major horrid arguments to which he brought most of the horrid) started seriously gas lighting me in January, which was the last straw. All this played out - with decent intervals of everything being lovely - over about 18 months. I went NC and was just recovering from this shitstorm of rubbish issuing from what I thought could be a forever relationship when I discovered he was back with the ex about 6 weeks after I dumped him! Of course he is... Formally speaking he left her for me, but his take was always it was nearly over anyway, he wasn't happy etc etc, and some of his friends seemed to bear that out. Obviously wondering about all that now. I don't think he can bear to be single (he told me that once) so I don't think it's a case of Love's Labour Won so much as she was just bloody (still) there. And in the meantime I have had MORE than enough shit behaviour from him to put me off him further - telling mutual friends I am bonkers, spying on my browsing history (this is only my third post under this name, I changed my old one and my password because I got a nasty impression he might have been identifying my MN posts.) Properly horrid stuff.
So why do I feel so sad? Clearly I have "lost" someone who thought nothing of lashing out at me, would never have made me happy or been reliable - and I actually had a standard of behaviour and held him to it and did the dumping myself (eventually). I ought to feel empowered and happy, and able to reflect on my own part in all this, because I definitely ignored a whole bunch of red flags, including fgs the fact that he left someone for me which I know isn't ALWAYS a red flag but in this case clearly was. Towards the end I didn't even like some of the time we spent together - he's a night owl and hyperactively busy and a huge drinker, all of which was exhausting. As time went on he got increasingly cold and untalkative which I found very trying. He vaguely tried to support me with my interests and projects but basically everything was always about him. There were some truly blissful early days when we were so in love and he was completely focussed on me, but also a lot of shit later on.
I don't understand why I'm still thinking about him! I still have days when I cry about it, and tonight I am for first time since I dumped him properly fighting the urge to text - not to get him back, just to give us some sort of resolution. "I know you tried, you were very loveable in some ways, I hope you're happy." Something like that so that it's not all irredeemably horrid, because it started out so promisingly. But probably what I'm really after is an emotionally coherent, human-shaped reply, which I won't suddenly get now after not getting it for 18 months will I.
I hear you Pie and I feel you. I'm in a very similar situation myself. Except I caved in my moment of weakness and sent the 'hope we can still be friends' text. I really don't know what I hoped to get out of it, but whatever that was, I didn't get it. No, I got the usual shallow, non-commital answer one would expect from a person without depth. I could kick myself for sending that text now. It won't happen again.
As for you, I think you're in love with the idea of him; the man he was in those early days. That was the man you fell for. But as you now know, that man isn't the real man. The real man is the fool you (rightly) dumped. Take your time, feel your feelings, cry it out, do whatever you have to. Hell, continue to be in love with the fantasy he was, just do yourself a favour and love him from a distance. His answer to anything you say to him, if indeed he answers at all will make you feel worse. You know this.
Time and distance my dear, time and distance. Advice I'm giving to both of us. Onwards!
DON'T TEXT HIM.
Do you feel better for typing it all out? I think you're mourning for the relationship you wanted and thought you had in the beginning, rather than the relationship it became.
What would make you feel better, or feel able to move on?
Thank you InaMay It makes me wonder how many of these fuckwits there are out there. Why say you want a particular set of things and then act in a totally different way guaranteed not to get those things? It can't just be for the sex
because I'd have shagged his brains out anyway tbh there must be some longer game or other. I'm finding it hard to get my head round the pure dysfunction required to operate like that. And god knows what's going on in the newly ex-ex-girlfriend's had but I guess it's far from healthy.
I will not text, I will not.
I do feel better, red, yes. But it's a bit of a cycle, I get maudlin and teary about it, I vent to someone, I feel better. Doesn't mean I won't go back to being sad.
That's a very good question. I certainly don't feel like dating. Most places I could go out and things I could do remind me of him because we did so much together. It's a bit of a pickle really.
The trouble is I suppose the only thing that would make me feel better is to know I'm not sitting here suffering while he's carefree and happy. It feels horribly unfair. But it blatantly IS the case, because his emotions are so shallow
I know you know you ignored red flags.... they do say a man who moves to fast too soon, wants to marry you straight away, seems so charismatic and perfect etc... is probably bad news. He'll be someone who can't handle the realities of life and does "Mr Wonderful" at the start of the relationship and can pick up on what you want and give you exactly that, so that you'll adore him. Then he can't sustain it as his real character (irresponsible, immature, stalkerish) comes through.
That great time you had wasn't who he really is, that's all. You don't miss or love him, but a great act he put on, because he's good at that, but not so good at being a nice person really.
At least you're not his wife, who's probably been putting up with this shit for years and is hung up enough on him to take him back after he's messed her around.
And your post and every story like this isn't boring, it helps other women look out for this too and it will help you learn from experience (though it wasn't your fault).
Do something kind for yourself, put it down to falling into a horrible man's trap, but you got out. You did the dumping - good. You know you're worth more than that, that's great.
Oh who knows. As regards to my ex, I think he was caught up in the moment(s). Maybe he believed what he was saying at the time. But when the cold reality hit he wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to see it through. As they say, 'love, love is a verb'. To him it was an adjective. Very nice to hear at the time, but all fantasy. I wish I'd never met him.
Good for you. Know your worth and don't text him. I've blocked mine now. No temptation. Better to know contact can't come than to sit waiting for it and it never comes iykwim.
The thing is a relationship can be shit and someone be a total prick and yet even though it seems illogical you can still feel like you love them /miss them etc. You can't help how you feel !!
I agree with a previous pp I think your sad for the beggining of the relationship and the person you thougt he was and all the plans you were making for the future I can certainly say iv been there !!!
Don't beat yourself up anyway sounds like it's for the best and time is a great healer
Why not "send" him some texts as posts on here. Then they won't actually go to him but to us! We can even reply
He won't be happy, like you said he's dysfunctional and he's driven by his unhappiness and fear of being genuine and having actual intimacy with someone. Pity him!
Yes LadyR, lets go BA on his sad ass; pity the fool!
Ooh, interesting idea. I started writing "texts" to put on here but they're all upbeat and breezy and about dropping off books (!) as if I'm trying to impress him with my cool, rather than anything I actually want to say. I wonder if I got conditioned into not really saying anything real to him over a long period, because I had such poor quality responses when I did (I mean to real things like, "Please stop bloody talking to your ex" or "Please give me some proper emotional support during this tough spell at work").
God, it was no life at all. Eggshell-walking. Not because I was afraid he'd hit me or anything, I was just afraid of the sheer coldness of his response to perfectly reasonable requests you could make in any relationship. Hell, I have acquaintances who were more helpful to me sometimes than he was.
Thank you LadyR and Psychobabble it's true I didn't quite believe in this stereotype story until it happened to me, so maybe it is helpful as an example. We all sort of know that men like that are usually bad news, but of course I thought my one had to be the exception. Nope!
Join the discussion
Please login first.