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Friends with benefits and feelings :(

(68 Posts)
Glitterrunsthroughmyveins Sat 14-May-16 19:41:33

Hello! Newbie! Sorry if this post is in the wrong place I didn't really know what I'm doing lol. I just need some outside opinions please.

So ... I'm currently in a 'friends with benefits' relationship. So basically we are strictly 'f*ck buddies' we have great sex ... He's hot as hell and we have a laugh but we've always said we wouldn't allow 'feelings' to develop. (He actually says this a lot; don't get feelings for me babe I don't wanna hurt u etc etc') however ...... The other day I called him pal and he shot me down ... Don't call me pal... Call me babe, I'm not your pal I'm more than that. They he says things like 'your mine' and we cuddle ALOT ... There's even been nights we won't even have sex anymore we literally just chill out watch films and cuddle. He's always grabbing me for hugs in the house if I walk past he just cuddles me and calls me babe and baby. Kisses my forehead strokes my hair, tickles my back etc etc ... All the things that can trigger feelings to develop. However just last night we again had the 'you haven't caught feelings?' Convo. He again said ' please don't fall in love with me' then afterwards in the night he pulled me to him for a cuddle and said come here babe your mine, this morning he's doing all the affectionate shit again.
If he sees me messaging other guys he gets all moody but then says he's not Jelous and I'm single so I can do what I like, yet he's very private with his phone and Iv seen him messaging other girls whilst he's with me and I'm not gonna lie , it cuts deep.
I'm so god damn confused!!!!!!! It was all fun and games at first but I think I might be falling and I don't know if he wants to catch me or not!! This guy means the world to me and gives me amazing advice , as well as amazing sex , he's like my best friend , I can't loose him.
Outside opinions please! I'm going mental I think! X

HandyWoman Sat 14-May-16 19:53:18

Not surprised you're going mental. It sounds like complete a headf*ck. He's got you eating out of the palm of his hand hasn't he.

Wouldn't be my definition of a 'friend'

You're being manipulated and controlled. It sounds pre-meditated. And horrible.

I think you're little more than a massive ego boost for him. Sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 14-May-16 20:10:47

Exactly what Handywoman says, it sounds like you're 'sport' for him. He doesn't want you but he's seeing how easy it would be to get you. He's not your friend and the minute a woman he does have feelings for comes along, you won't see him for dust.

Sorry but you really need to cut him off NOW or you will risk your happiness and peace of mind for a long time when you eventually are forced to get over him.

If you do the dumping yourself, you will have that salve and it would be something for your poor self-esteem to grab hold of - that YOU took control away from a controlling bastard. Because that's what he is.

You believe that he loves you/has feelings for you AT YOUR PERIL. He's told you plainly enough that you're not to fall in love with him but then again, he wants you to so that he can have the pleasure of telling you, "Well I told you not to..." before he walks off without a backward glance.

Sorry, I know ^^ sounds harsh but you're walking into this with your eyes wide-open whilst in a trance. It's not fair of him and he is NOT your friend. Get that notion out of your head and see him for the game-player that he is.

Say 'No!' once in a while and she how he responds to that.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 14-May-16 20:13:00

I am struggling to see any reason why you would want to continue ANY sort of r'ship with this egotistical twat.
This will not end well.
I agree with Handy
Extremely manipulative and clearly enjoying controlling every aspect of this r'ship.
Your brain is being addled by good sex and the fact he is 'hot'
If you stay with him it will only get worse.
Based on your post though I suspect you have been well and truly sucked in already and are unlikely to extricate yourself.

CantFeelMyFace Sat 14-May-16 20:16:25

So, you both agreed to an FWB situation. You were honest with each other and are consenting adults. All good so far.

But, you now sound like you are developing feelings for him. When you have feelings for someone, you see what your heart wants to see. From your OP, he either does not have feelings for you or, he does but does not want to commit. He is emotionally unavailable in either case so you have two choices. Enjoy it for what it is and stop reading into any "affection" as a sign he likes you OR end it. Please don't hang around in some misplaced hope that he will fall in love with you. It's unlikely and you will only hurt yourself in the process.

All the best...

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher Sat 14-May-16 20:20:26

He sounds like he's messing with your head, lovely. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, then he would say so. It sounds like he knows you're falling for him and is enjoying the ego trip. FWB can work - but you both have to be on the same page. You are not so I would end it before you get hurt.

Naicehamshop Sat 14-May-16 20:26:32

Agree with the comments above. Get out now with your dignity.
Best of luck.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Sat 14-May-16 20:28:27

He's not your best friend! He's an enemy. He's fucking with you, he knows perfectly well you have feelings for him, he has deliberately cultivated them. All the while he's keeping you at emotional arms length by fucking other women, or at least pursuing them.
Put on your big girl pants and DTMFA. He's no good for you.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 14-May-16 20:37:47

As soon as he does have feelings for someone you won't see him for dust. Stop this now, you're developing feelings for him and he's playing you. Stop it now before you get really hurt. He's saying all the right things to keep the sex going.

merville Sat 14-May-16 20:40:01

Friends with benefits is the biggest fallacy of modern day relationships - imho it just does not work.
Correction it works for men and 1% of women.

The remaining 99% of women catch feelings and end up hurt.

Men must be rubbing their hands in glee.

As for this guy - clearly a practitioner of the "You are mine, but I am not yours" school - even in a fwb situation.

He doesn't want you to see/get involved with other people and the affection etc. is either part of manipulating you (alongside the moodiness) to not do so, or is just how he acts while imtimate with someone But whereas many men can do that and not catch feelings, most women can't.

This is headed nowhere but you getting hurt, and the way he's treating you now is unfair to boot.

BananaMan79 Sat 14-May-16 20:43:24

As a bloke myself, I'd say he is possibly the one who is in love with you, however he doesn't want to admit it.

If you really want to find out, stop contact for a while, then tell him you have met someone and are in a relationship, if he gets jealous then he obviously likes you more than he will admit.

merville Sat 14-May-16 20:49:29

"... but I think I might be falling and I don't know if he wants to catch me or not!! This guy means the world to me and gives me amazing advice , as well as amazing sex , he's like my best friend , I can't loose him. "

Sorry if this hurts your feelings but I don't think he wants to catch you, the reasons being;

1. He keeps repeating and stressing for you not to fall for him and reinforcing that it is only/he only wants fwb
2. He is still on contact with/involved with other women
3. If he wanted to change the setup to a proper relationship, he would say so - he sounds likehe has no lack of confidence plus he has reason to believe you'd be amenable to it. If he wanted to he would say something and change things but he isn't and I don't think he will

Get out before you get hurt worse, concentrate on developing other real friendships and finding a man who is open to a real relationship. fwb is a travesty of a real relationship.

merville Sat 14-May-16 20:52:58

"if he gets jealous then he obviously likes you more than he will admit."

No offense but jealousy means nothing. Cheating men get jealous, I personally know serial cheaters who are jealous, possessive & controlling of their wives.

Him saying he would like to move to a proper relationship, be exclusive is the only thing that matters.

Imbroglio Sat 14-May-16 20:53:02

Respect is a big part of any relationship, whether it is a one night stand or a marriage. If he thinks you are developing feelings, he's not being nice about it.

I'd back off for a bit if I were you and spend some time with other friends, doing other interesting stuff.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 14-May-16 21:02:46

if he gets jealous then he obviously likes you more than he will admit

Absolute tosh.

nauticant Sat 14-May-16 21:15:39

I'd say he is possibly the one who is in love with you, however he doesn't want to admit it.

If you really want to find out, stop contact for a while, then tell him you have met someone and are in a relationship, if he gets jealous then he obviously likes you more than he will admit.

The thread is full of good advice but this is truly shit. Ignore this rubbish.

Summerwalking16 Sat 14-May-16 21:19:37

Agree with Merville - get out and get someone who cares about you.

CaoNiMao Sun 15-May-16 05:45:28

He sounds like a prime knobber. Get rid.

Men like this infuriate me. Likewise the overuse of "babe", but that's by the by.

Get rid!

WeAreEternal Sun 15-May-16 06:12:40

You need to stop sleeping with him and end all the affectionate stuff now.
You will probably need to cut contact for a while to get it out of your system but then hopefully you can build an actual friendship with him if that is what you want.

It doesn't sould like he wants a relationship with you, he's just looking for all the benefits of a relationship without the comitment or work. You will only get hurt if you continue playing this game.
FWB can be a great arrangement if both are on the same page but once it gets to this stage it is time to end it.

PirateFairy45 Sun 15-May-16 07:12:32

You're his, he's anyone's.

Move on.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:18:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allofaflumble Sun 15-May-16 09:18:46

He sounds really immature and wants the best of all his worlds.

Glitterrunsthroughmyveins Sun 15-May-16 10:41:36

Thank you everyone. I was actually in tears reading a lot of these responses. Says a lot I think. I know it's no excuse at all and I'm not defending him one bit but he has been very hurt in the past. His ex cheated on him multiple times and he had to fight for full custody of his little one which I think has damaged him a lot. He tells me he doesn't think he can love again. Maybe that's the reason he is like he is. It's difficult because before we started the FWB agreement we were so close as friends, and I had a lot of love for him As a friend before any of this, this arrangement worked brill at first but now it's just got messy because of the way I'm starting to feel. He is very controlling but then Iv always known that (he is in the bedroom too!) so maybe it's my own fault for getting involved in the first place. He says he isn't a player , and that he doesn't sleep around.... I don't believe it for one second. He has women all over him everywhere he goes. He's in the fitness industry and is a personal trainer so has 'clients' over at his house all the time, 99% are female. Makes me wonder whether any of these women are being used in the same way. My head is so so messed up. I know I should walk away, but I know I'll miss his presence in my life. Not just his, but his little boy too (who I also love to bits!) but mainly his. He's been such a massive part of my life for so long. I know I deserve better, I tell myself this all the time. Its just gonna be very very hard to walk away.

CherryPicking Sun 15-May-16 10:47:23

God, what an arse. Sounds like on of those men who's so convinced of their own irresistibility you end up seeing the world through his eyes, rather than your own.

He's probably not half as hot as you think he is. Take a big step back and try to look at this situation objectively. Is he meeting your emotional needs? Can you trust him? Are you being manipulated? If you don't like the answers to any of these you need to get rid, so you can find someone who treats you the way you need to be treated.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 15-May-16 11:06:04

He's feeding you lots of lines, Glitter, he really is. A script almost. Do you know what the sad thing is? If YOU weren't falling for them, he would move on to the next woman that would. He's not treating you as special and you deserve to be somebody's 'special'.

He's been hurt? So what. It doesn't give him licence to hurt other people. He needs to get that message from you now. He knows how bad it is to feel so hurt and let down - and he chooses to do this to you. A nice man? No - an emotionally retarded and stunted wanna-be-playboy.

Alas, all of this is going to fall on your deaf ears. He's a FWB and you say that you 'love his son to bits'? What is wrong with your self-esteem that you would do this to yourself? I don't think you're gong to walk away, I think you will carry on making excuses for him until he hurts you to the point that you can't get up again because you're broken.

I wish you'd listen to the advice on your thread, you asked for it and it's come - good, careful advice - and you're going to ignore it all. Your last post says it all, Glitter, I'm sorry for you.

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