Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

one night stand with ex partner who happens to be my closest friend, but is also in a new relationship.

(72 Posts)
alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 02:09:36

I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, or anything so apologies if I've got this wrong, I'm new here.
To cut a very long story as short as possible, myself and and now ex-partner split in February. We've kept an amazing friendship and things have seemed great.
Or they did until the weekend. On a very rare night out we both had a little too much to drink and I spent the night at his as I'd drank too much to drive. We ended up having sex, and now I'm guilt ridden as he has a new girlfriend.
I want to tell her but I know that wouldn't benefit any of us, so I'm here to ask, what would you all recommend?

TendonQueen Sat 14-May-16 02:42:43

You're right, that doesn't benefit anyone. If you really are going to be just friends in future, the night out staying over scenario is one to think about avoiding as it sounds too close to temptation. Do you actually want to get back together? And do you think he does, or was this just opportunism on his part? Do you have kids with him?

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 02:53:50

I've made it clear to him that there's no chance I will stay at his or he can stay at mine anymore if alcohol is involved, but I don't suddenly want to put restrictions on our friendship either.
I'd gotten myself into a mental place where I didn't want to be back with him, I was quite content with just having the company of him, but now I'm more confused than I've been in a long while, and it feels more like it was an opportunistic thing on his part.
Luckily there are no children's feelings to worry about, my son is from a previous relationship, and in mine and most recent exes relationship of 3 years I was very good at making sure it was just "mummy's friend" and my son never saw anything more intimate as I've never wanted to confuse him should a break up happen.

MagicMoonstone Sat 14-May-16 08:30:23

Are you sure you don't want to be with him?

TheNotoriousPMT Sat 14-May-16 08:43:58

You now know he is a liar and a cheat. Why do you want to be friends with him?

SinglePringle Sat 14-May-16 08:47:38

Oh FFS, TheNotorious, none of us are perfect, we all fuck it up sometimes. I mean, the OP slept with someone's partner - what she supposed to do? Despise herself?

TendonQueen Sat 14-May-16 08:49:06

February isn't really that long ago if you think about it. Not surprising that it can now be confusing. It might be easier down the line when you are more used to the 'new normal' but I would maybe keep some distance for now. Better long term for the chance of a genuine friendship.

Hissy Sat 14-May-16 08:53:03

Sounds like neither of you are over the relationship. Is he sure about the new gf?

MistressDeeCee Sat 14-May-16 08:53:43

You're the spectre in their relationship. You knew this could happen - having a drink doesn't lead to fucking someone unless you're attracted to them or some of us would've fucked every man we came across by now. Maybe you feel the need to talk about him hence your post here - you can tell his girlfriend if you want to. May not make you feel any better though, and he could bin off your friendship. I tend to find women who describe a man as an amazing friend, especially a man who hangs around because an easy fuck is a prospect somewhere along the line, don't tend to get the same accolades in return. How will you feel if she forgives him then they get on with their lives, with you out of it? Thats what you should be thinking about really. You'd be wiser to make a life not so focused on your ex. After all, not being with you didn't stop him from forming a new relationship did it? Even if he is still getting "benefits" from you. You're the one who's stuck.

tigermoll Sat 14-May-16 09:09:32

1) These things happen sometimes. Don't beat yourself up.
2) Don't tell his girlfriend. No good will come.
3) Resolve never to let his happen again. That means no overnights (I'm sure the relationship can handle a few restrictions at this stage) until you are both a bit further down the line.
4) Make the above clear to your ex. No forbidden passion, no resurgence of old feelings, just "I really regret that we slept together. I think we should cool our friendship for a while so it doesn't happen again".

HeddaGarbled Sat 14-May-16 10:39:35

I don't think you can realistically expect to carry on being friends with him. Alcohol loosens your inhibitions but it doesn't make you do something you don't want to do.

AnotherEmma Sat 14-May-16 10:42:33

"there's no chance I will stay at his or he can stay at mine anymore if alcohol is involved"

Don't use alcohol as an excuse. There should be no overnight stays whether alcohol is involved or not.

I think you should see each other less for a while to allow you both to move on properly. If you do meet up, make it casual.

And make some other friends.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Sat 14-May-16 10:46:58

You're not friends. You're exes who are clinging on to part of the relationship whilst kidding yourselves that that is just friendship. If you truly want to be friends with him then you need to have nothing to do with him beyond the occasional text for at least 6 months until you're properly over him.
Friendship with recent exes is fraught and rarely actual friendship without any resentment, attraction, longing, sadness or jealousy

JonSnowsBeardClippings Sat 14-May-16 10:48:00

I learnt this the hard way too by the way, almost word for word including the new girlfriend (now wife with 3 kids blush)

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 12:42:35

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I'd just like to say, I'm not trying to use alcohol as an excuse, I'd just feel more comfortable with a clearer head and a stronger, sober resolve should I need it in the future.
I can't say I'm over him 100% but I don't actually want to be back with him, I think I'm just struggling to adjust to life without him as it used to be.
I don't think I will tell her, but I feel like a terrible person (I know I am), and I would want to know if someone had done that to me so I came somewhere to ask what's best because I'm all sorts of conflicted.

Rosalie55 Sat 14-May-16 12:48:17

I'm very good friends with my ex. There's no jealousy, attraction or hard feelings.

However, it took 9 months of no contact, then gradually getting back in touch, and the first few meetings were incredibly awkward. Now, a few years on, I really couldn't do without him.

However, it takes time. And preferable you'd both be single! Those first few awkward meetings as you settle into being friends aren't really fair on anyone's partner.

It worked out well for me and my ex partly by chance (both still single as we got to know each other again) and a lot of boundaries and time apart. It was worth it, because we knew if done properly we would have a good friend for life.

If you think your ex is worth it, I'd advise this path. But for now you definitely need some time apart - neither of you seem over each other / ready / mature enough to be going down the friends path.

Rosalie55 Sat 14-May-16 12:49:33

In terms of telling her, I wouldn't. You don't want to seem meddling. It's his problem.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 14-May-16 12:51:37

If a man had posted this I'm pretty sure that the responses wouldn't have included "these things happen sometimes"

What a shit attitude.

I think you knew what you were doing and how easy is it to blame the alcohol.

What you did was absolutely fucking lousy and now I suspect you are keen to tell his new partner in the hope he will come back to you.

He won't.

Work on how you behave when you have been drinking.

And of course you can't be friends. You can't be trusted together.

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 12:55:15

Thank you Rosalie55

The more I think about it the more I think I'm not sure I really should be staying friends with him, but actually accepting it isn't an easy thing, he's been such a big part of my life for so long.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 14-May-16 12:57:03

You can't be friends, you tried and look what happened!

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 13:00:34

oddsocksgalore
I don't want him to come back to me, not when I think logically about it.
Part of me wants to tell her because I would want to be told if it was me, but I'm not going to if it goes against given advice from many of you. I posted to get a feel of the general consensus because I know it's not a decision I can make without bias.

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 13:01:59

And I agree, I know I can't be friends with him now, but I'm in need of affirmation of that to help strengthen me because walking away is gonna hurt like hell.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 14-May-16 13:12:45

So if enough people respond with tell her, then you will?

If you are so concerned about doing the right thing, why didn't you do that the other night instead of shagging him?

alwaysinamuddle Sat 14-May-16 13:20:04

I would go with what the majority think is sensible.

I know I've done wrong, and I'm beating myself up about it plenty.
Honestly, I didn't even think about rights and wrongs the other night, it felt so normal that I got very swept up in the moment.

Which doesn't make it any better, and is greater reason to not spend time with him, I know.

JonSnowsBeardClippings Sat 14-May-16 13:21:04

walking away is gonna hurt like hell
Yes because it's still part of the same break up which is not yet finished with. It's like a break up all over again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now