Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I need to vent about my sister.(12 Posts)
She's in her late twenties (younger than me by nearly 10 years) and lives in my father's house in a remote corner of the country. He doesn't live there, he resides overseas but comes back to check on the house/renew passport/visit my mum's relatives who live in the area occasionally. Our mum died nearly 3 years ago.
She is living there rent and bill-free, which is characteristic of my dad's culture. That is fine - I understand and respect that. She is also having mental health struggles and so, despite having a degree in languages, insists that she cannot leave the remote region (where her languages are not of use) and needs to stay there. She simultaneously hates the small-mindedness of the region and so doesn't stay in jobs long due to the number of unpleasantly bigoted people (she gets angry with then and work becomes unbearable and she leaves). So she isn't working - the odd part-time job here and there.
She has moved into my dad's house and spread out all over it, acquiring 3 cats and not cleaning much. It is cluttered and frankly a bit grim. She assumes anything in the house is hers and gets tetchy if I reclaim any of my own possessions (it is ostensibly a family home).
She and my dad have to try hard to get on with each other. His visits are hard work and she tends to avoid him, while he tends to work all the time and occasionally descend to complain about the cleanliness and ask whether she has cooked. He's not perfect by any stretch.
Here is my main cause of upset: recently she was really vitriolic about him on Facebook over the local elections (he's very Tory, she's very Green). She was.just being really nasty about him and all her friends were piling in exclaiming how dreadful he is.
I was disgusted. In my eyes if you're living in someone's home for free and they are providing for you, you do NOT publicly revile them and go on about how shit they are (certainly not while you've still got your hand out). I wouldn't mind so much if she were abusing him verbally to her friends because she's entitled to her feelings and all, but commiting said feelings to a written medium where it's captured for all to see? That just feels really low. It's made me think less of her.
I'm worried that I will say something if I don't stop brooding on it. Help
I remember this sister from before ! So no change then
This is a classic one whereby you can't change the situation / but you can work on how is affects you ? You have done nothing wrong and it's all some dysfunction at her end
You either unfollow her , or
Call her on her disloyalty - but I think you are sacred of having a fight
It's so hard as we look at the media and it appears that the whole worlds have close loving families - but they don't do they sadly
Thanks stop - it is nice to be remembered, even if the content is less than ideal
I think if I call her on it then she won't understand what I'm upset about. That's the worst thing. He couldn't see the post, ergo what is the problem? I suppose that is technically true. But.... to properly, openly, publicly lay out your distaste for a person who has no idea of it and thinks you love and respect them? That feels low, and it upsets me that she clearly has no conception of such a thing being Not Done.
I have to admit that I would not be able to sit on my hands and would reply with "If you think so little of him then why dont you get a fucking job and stop living in his house with him paying your bills you ungrateful scrounger?!"
But I am not very good at holding things in!
What a prize bitch you've got for a sister, OP.
This is so disrespectful that I wouldn't be able to sit on my hands either, but I'd get anything I own and/or of sentimental value to me out of the house before I let rip Bogey style and, if I had a FB account, I very much doubt I'd be able to resist posting it on her page, or whatever the term is, for all to see.
What Bogey said, except with more sweary bits.
I don't think it is Local - these remarks seem in line with her previously expressed opinions, and politics always gets her exercised.
The problem with Bogey's approach is that it very much goes against our family's mantra of 'Bury it and pretend everything is fine'. Neither of my parents was ever very good at facing the truth and admitting fault, preferring to transfer blame back onto the person making a fuss. If my accusation caused a rift between me and DSis, it would certainly be my fault in DF's eyes for rocking the boat.
There's another aspect. Our mother was horrible to us (especially me) for years (emotional/physical abuse), yet when she died and people sent condolences I accepted them gracefully. I didn't go on about what a shit she was (although I wanted to, believe me) because it would have been hideously disrespectful at such a time. It's still not appropriate now imo because she's gone and can't defend herself. The point is, I managed to gold in my bile publicly. I let rip to friends, sure, but putting it all over FB? No.
I feel like she should be capable of the same level of restraint. Mind you I have a tendency to assume that her capabilities are the same as mine; she's got really fucked off at that before.
I remember your sister from previous posts too.
I would have found what she wrote dreadfully upsetting too, but I honestly do think your best tactic is to back off and if possible without major ructions, block her or ignore her on Facebook.
One thing I learnt from getting older with siblings who are not close is that actually their experience of childhood wasn't the same as mine even though we were brought up together close in age - they processed and handled the flaws of our parents - one quite a damaging parent, one an enabler - in different ways due to a load of factors from position in family to inate personality traits.
So inevitably, their damage wasn't the same as mine - in our family for example, I honestly believe the oldest 2 siblings were much angrier and more damaged than the youngest 2, of which I am luckily one. They copped so much more. They find talking and rationalising what happened so much harder.
Your values are stronger than your sister's; your emotional intelligence is particularly strong- and I say that from reading many posts of yours as well as from meeting you at the march - and your personality has enabled you to make an amazing amount out of a damaged childhood. Your sister, less so. I do feel that anger towards your sister is pointless. She is so low in terms of self worth and possibly in terms of how she was valued by her mother and even her father - does she really have the tools to deal with it all?
Ok it doesn't excuse her vitriol on one level but on another, it is as much as she can misguidedly do to output her pain right now.
It's not your problem - could.you consider backing away and not making it your pain? You have chosen a way to deal with your mother's abuse and built a beautiful like and family. You are dignified but could you also be seen as in a small way keeping up that part of the family trait of brushing things such as your mother's cruelty and yoir Father's enabling under the carpet?
That might be the best thing for you, to not understand or like.it but to forgive it as much as you can and ignore it.
Your sister is still finding her way and may never actually find it.
Her oddness and her selfishness? Disturbing, but could you thicken your skin and accept she's just dealing with things in a sadly less effective way than you?
My older siblings shocked me for being so angry with my mum - not my dad, the one who treated us badly - but I get it now. Her part in it was great too and they had a right to be very, very angry. Just as I have a right to let sleeping dogs lie now dad is dead and mum is frail.
Keep on top of the family shit - don't go down with it. You come across as such a warm and fascinating person. You come across as the opposite of damaged.
This is her mishandled baggage coming from a broken place. The place you escaped from. Don't let it upset you.
Hesteron what you wrote was so wise and also describes my family to a T. We have the divide - two older sibs and two younger. I am one of the older and myself and my brother had an awful time growing up. The younger two had a watered down version..it's created huge problems.
Thank you for your lovely message Hesterton - you are right, my perception of how it was growing up is different to hers in quite a few ways. Our mother was much harder on me in some respects. It's also interesting to consider when being dignified merges into covering up the past; it is quite possible that that's what I'm doing to an extent, although I still think she was wrong to say what she did.
She is struggling, that is evident. But still..... ARGH.
I won't say anything. I'll try to put it in the 'ramblings of a lunatic' pile and pay it no mind.....
Join the discussion
Please login first.