Apologies if this is long, but I'm hoping for advice/words of wisdom...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. On our first date we talked about a million things, but at one point the topic of marriage came up and we both said "I have no desire to get married again". We were both previously married to others (me for 14 years, him for 10) and both have children from those marriages. To be honest, I was 21 the first time and more in love with the idea of a wedding than the actual marriage, and really too immature to appreciate the finality of what I was doing. My boyfriend was also quite young and has told me that he never really wanted to get married the first time but his ex pressured him by proposing and saying either we get married or we break up. Of course the marriages didn't work out (for different reasons) and when we met in 2013 I had been separated for 3 years (divorce now finalized), and he had been separated for 2 years (they are still technically married).
Fast forward to now and we have purchased a home and moved in together with all of our children. Because his ex proposed and made him feel pressured, I have always been very careful not to pressure him for commitment in any way. I was ready to move in together after a year, but waited until he suggested it so that I knew HE was ready and not just doing it to make me happy.
He has stated a number of times over the last 3 years that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and that "couples can spend years together happy but once they get married it all falls apart". I have always believed in marriage, but when we had our first date I was being completely honest when I said I had no desire to get married again. Three years ago I didn't think anyone was worth the risk, but then I met HIM. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He's the perfect guy for me and we've talked openly about growing old together. But in all honesty I feel silly at my age (mid-40's) referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. Plus (and this may seem materialistic) without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken". All of a sudden I want to marry him more than anything. Where the first time I just cared about the wedding, now all I care about is being his wife. My children share a last name with their father, and my boyfriend shares a name with his children, but I am the only person in our little family with my last name.
My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself? One time when the topic came up (we have mutual friends discussing marriage) and my boyfriend said "I don't understand why women care about this piece of paper so much! If you want to get married, we'll get married! if you want to be Mrs. XXX, then fine, we'll get married, I don't care that much". But I want to get married because HE wants it, not because he's he thinks he "has to" to make me happy. If we got married under those circumstances I think he will one day regret it and feel like I pushed him into it. We have a fabulous relationship all around and I was never happy with my ex-husband like this.
Should I just be happy with what I have and try to let it go?
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Relationships
My divorced boyfriend doesn't want to get married again
WishingandDreaming · 13/05/2016 20:47
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