Parents and DH

[semblanceofnormality]

NC for this.

I'm about thirty, married to (fantastic) DH for four years, together for about six. Really great person. Thinking about DC (for a while, hence mumsnet). We are happy and stable and have good careers, a home we own and a wide circle of friends. I am extremely lucky.

However, I have been reading relationship threads esp Toxic Parents and would value your thoughts on what to do with my (not so dear) DF.

F does not speak to my DH and will not have him in the house. Practically this is OK as we live on other end of country from my DPs, who no longer live together but are still married and spend about 2/7 nights in the same place (work in separate places, impossible commute, my DM moved a few years back). We have friends in that end of the country and we stay there if we go back together, or go and stay with DM and DF doesn't turn up.

F basically told me a few months before my wedding he didn't want me to marry or be with DH. DH in his head was faulty: multiple, illogical, very identifying justifications. Everyone else thinks DH is awesome (he is). After some verbal abuse, I made clear plans weren't changing. We got married, F didn't come; neither did his family. DM and that side of the family, plus siblings, came. I ended up on anti-Ds, I achieved nothing for a year, I saw a therapist for a time, I came off anti-Ds. Therapist reckons F has a personality disorder. My relationship with F has always been a bit strained. He's very clever.

Since then we've basically kept it calm. F has not seen DH since that time. I see F if I'm at other end of country alone or if he is down here sometimes. He has never seen my home. Intermittent (every 3-4 months) episodes of text-based abuse if F is drunk and we are meant to be going to other end of country, but very low level. I ignore it. It is so important to me to be friends with DM and D siblings. DM thinks F is unreasonable but he has form in this sort of thing. D siblings refuse to take sides (reasonably).

Long story short - I am v worried that my pregnancy will start a slew of abuse and unsure about whether I would ever want my DCs to meet my F. I am very worried about this abuse triggering antenatal and postnatal depression, and about becoming isolated. I am also really worried that I am not advocating enough for my DH in all of this, although I have been very very clear to family and DH that he comes first.

If you've made it through this, what do you think?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would keep your child well away from your father and mother; he in particular has not been a good parent to you and will be a crap example of a grandparent to his grandchild. Such people do not change. He could well use your child to get back at you and your H (whom he still does not talk to). Your mother remains married to him for her own reasons.

Why do you maintain any sort of relationship with your father at all?. Are you really still looking for his approval even as an adult?. He will never give you that and will never be the dad you perhaps still wish or want him to be to you. You still see him despite the fact that he does not speak to your DH; how do you think that makes your H feel?. Who is your primary loyalty to; your DH or your parents?. You need to present a united front with your H and show them by actions that such will not be tolerated and there will be no further visits to them. Your mother has also played a role here in simply allowing this dysfunction to continue; she is the enabler here.

You should not be tolerating any sort of abuse from dad let alone visit him occasionally. Your boundaries with him are at the very least well out of kilter because you've been conditioned throughout to accept this.

If you go and visit friends near where your parents live I would consider staying in a hotel instead.

BTW he sending you abusive text messages is a criminal offense for which people do get prosecuted. At the very least I would block his number from your phone.

How do your siblings get on with your parents or are they treated similarly?. Your siblings likely refuse to take sides because they do not want to get caught in the crossfire or equally likely become less favoured. Its all characteristic of a narcissistic family structure.

I would also consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.