Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In the process of leaving

(30 Posts)
Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 14:12:56

So I've decided to leave my boyfriend, as I know things aren't right between us. we do get on well most of the time, but he has had anger and drug issues.

I've finally decided that enough is enough and I have moved some of my things to my mums house. He has made it clear that he thinks I'm being silly, and I'm pretty sure he is just going to enjoy his weekend, and thinks I'll be back in a couple of days.

I guess what I need help with at this stage is how do I stay strong and follow this through? I'm unhappy when I'm with him, but I really miss him now! It would be so easy to get in my car and just go back there (which I've done many times).

I have such an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. How long until it gets a bit easier?

Morasssassafras Fri 13-May-16 14:15:05

What sort of things does he do that make you unhappy?

Eyelashinmyeye Fri 13-May-16 14:19:06

He has a coke habit and has lied to me about it. He also smokes weeds every day.

I

Goingtobeawesome Fri 13-May-16 14:25:11

Hmm

gingerbreadmanm Fri 13-May-16 14:25:19

toomuch think about a time when you were happy and focus on that and how you can get back to it?

Try thinking about what your future would be like together, if it is not what you want then you are doing the right thing and eventually you will feel a lot happier than living a life that you dont want.

LisaMed Fri 13-May-16 14:43:24

Eyelash - is that a name change fail?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 14:51:48

LisaMed . . .yes, I forgot to change back.

MN took my post down a few days ago, but have since looked into my posts and understand why there may have been slight discrepancies. I never have been, and never will be a troll. I got amazing advice on this site and was so upset to be removed.

All my posts have been about my boyfriend, and with the help of the amazing people on this site, I have finally been able to start the process of leaving.

I'll probably get flamed now, as I know that my last thread caused upset. I was in tears reading everyones posts about me being a troll, as its simply not true. I understand that MNHQ have a job to do though, and they were right to look into it. I have answered their questions and they have been great.

x

Beyondheartbreak Fri 13-May-16 15:48:24

So does he pick your clothes or not

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 16:02:21

That was all true beyond - every single thing I said was true. The reason I was able to respond so regularly was because work is extra quiet at the moment.

The discrepancies were because I changed small details in my posts. This was mainly because I was really embarrassed that I had been given so much good advice and still stayed.

Hydroshield Fri 13-May-16 16:15:20

But you said you'd left already. That's not small details to change.

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 16:33:38

I didn't say I had left.

I packed a bag on Thursday morning and I have now left, but need to go back for the rest of my stuff.

Beyondheartbreak Fri 13-May-16 16:36:34

You need to focus on the long list of things that are not characteristics of a good relationship. It is better to be alone and happy than mistreated, controlled and trapped. You should change your number or block him and go no contact.

Hydroshield Fri 13-May-16 16:40:07

You said you'd left in an earlier thread, OP. It's confusing to readers !

As for your current situation, all I can add is yy to Beyond's post at 16.36.

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 16:42:35

I'm really sorry for the confusion. I have been so all over the place and just trying to grab advice and support at every twist and turn in the road.

no contact will definitely need to happen once I have the rest of my stuff.

thanks

hellsbellsmelons Fri 13-May-16 17:07:44

Well I'm very glad you got away.
No you need to keep your strength up to stay well away.
Can you get your mum on side to support you?
Will she go round and collect the rest of your stuff?
In the mean-time, block and ignore and then block and ignore again.
It's the only way.
Total cold turkey.
Please ensure you do the Freedom Programme ASAP!!!

pocketsaviour Fri 13-May-16 17:12:42

OK, it's really good to hear you're out and feel safe.

Do you have someone who could go back to the flat with you and pick up your other things? Did you keep a key, so you could go when you think he won't be there, or will you need him to let you in?

Apart from that, if your last thread was correct I believe you don't have DC so there is no reason you can't just block him from all social media and your phone and go "cold turkey" effectively - it's the best way.

Fill your time with expanding your social circle so you're not moping about. As Hells suggested, do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can. I think someone recommended you the Why Does He Do That book on your last thread, but also take a look at A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.

Hydroshield Fri 13-May-16 17:29:16

Also agree about the Freedom Programme. I know it's been recommended to you previously, did you take a look then?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 18:56:17

I will take a look now.

My mum has offered to come with me to get my stuff, & I do still have a key. Hopefully we can go this weekend & just draw a line under the practicalities. Then I just work on myself I guess. X

WriteforFun1 Fri 13-May-16 19:01:40

not sure if you are the poster I am thinking of - do you have a child?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 19:09:55

No, I dont have any children x

I have posted about my bf smashing my car up, & general ea. I left briefly that time, but wasn't strong enough to stay away.

WriteforFun1 Fri 13-May-16 19:21:29

oh right

Actually I think I initially had you confused with another poster who has children and someone upthread seems to have you confused with the poster suffering with a Controlling Git.

Right, starting from scratch so to speak - hello! I don't think we've met before.

You need to do all the things that have been stated here - Freedom Programme etc. Be honest. Are you scared of being alone? Tbh if he has smashed up your car then the drugs are actually lesser problem. A violent man is a huge problem and that's proof right there.

I would say after you have got your stuff, don't engage. Block his number. Make sure you can't see his updates on social media etc. Will you be staying with your mum?

The main thing is to realise you will have a very nice life without him. he clearly doesn't bring anything but trouble and violence, yes?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 19:26:42

I think I might be a bit scared of being alone. I realised recently that I haven't actually been single. I entered straight into this relationship after a 10 year one.

He does just bring stress & anxiety to my life. Why is it even possible to love someone that I know isn't suited to me!!

Im determined that this is it. Once and for all x

Hellonlegs Fri 13-May-16 19:39:11

I think you need to convince yourself OP; I'm not feeling your resolution at all. Not a judgement really, merely an observation.

WriteforFun1 Fri 13-May-16 19:43:16

how old are you OP?

if you went straight into this from a 10 year relationship, have you ever experienced the joy of being single and being able to do whatever the hell you like?

and do you love him - I bet you don't. That's not a criticism - it's just I notice an awful lot of people say "love" when they mean "used to" "dependent upon" or "scared to be alone".

Happiness is the most important thing. We are sold a lot of bull crap about the importance of being in a relationship - are you sure it hasn't got under your skin a bit?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 13-May-16 19:47:29

I know that I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do if I was single. Join different groups, go out more, treat myself to new clothes etc, but as I sit here now, on my own, I just feel sad.

I need to just snap out of it & get on with my life. People go through soooo much worse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now