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Mismatched sex drives

(80 Posts)
roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 21:43:16

Can it ever work? I read so many theeads where it is a huge problem.

I have a high sex drive. DP does not. I love him, we have been together over a year and live together. He did the first few months but now.. No. It's just not a big thing to him, never has been. When he's tired he stops wanting it. When I'm tired I want more to connect and ground myself and feel good and sleep well. We both have stressful jobs, no DCs. It's the only single problem we have.

Do I try to just deal with it or cut my losses? I'm 28 if that matters. He's slightly younger.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 12-May-16 21:51:00

If it was me I'de cut losses because it's important to me, a year in it won't get better I think either

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 21:53:05

It's so important to me. I just want to be properly desired and ravished. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and attractive, he just isn't nearly as sexually driven as I am.

But he's my best friend and the only person I've ever wanted to spend my life with.

Naicehamshop Thu 12-May-16 22:01:44

I don't have very much to add except that I really don't see this getting better with time - rather the opposite. Sorry.

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 22:09:42

I know. He's asleep next to me (early shift) and my heart breaks for the inevitable. But I can't live without feeling sexually needed and fulfillef. Where to even start with separating? We have lived together for over a year, I love him so much the thought of not being together hurts. But so does the thought of never having even half the sec life I want. It makes me resent him although I try so so hard not to show it because no one owes their partner Dec. Argh. It's the only thing missing

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 22:10:53

Sex not Dec. Although no one owes me December either.

bert3400 Thu 12-May-16 22:12:33

I would be very concerned...after just a year you should still be in the honeymoon period. Have you asked why his sexual desire has slipped?

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 22:28:02

It was never that high but we were both of work in those first few months (him between jobs, I was on sabbatical).

It just feels so desperately unfair. He's fast asleep and I'm frustrated and sad. But he know there's a problem and worries about it too, but you can't make yourself want sex and no one should have to.

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 22:29:13

Off *

roarfeckingroar Thu 12-May-16 22:29:30

So many typos, sorry

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 12:57:31

Can I bump this please?

Ideally for anyone with advice about how I could improve the situation or if it can change for the better (ideally before I crack up)

Babymouse Fri 13-May-16 13:08:21

Leave or open up the relationship. It's not going to get better. (Unless there is something up with him medically that he's willing to explore resolving)

And changing your sex drive is not for the better.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-May-16 13:13:10

Op with the best will in the world if he's not feeling it, it ain't happening.
I know its shit and he's a lovely guy, but this issue potentially over time trumps all that, if there's
A huge lack of intimacy.

You'll both be stressed, and overall that inhibits performance, it's time for a cards on the table chat with him. If he can't give you more you need to decide what you want.

Your entitled to have what you need regardless of others, harsh but true lovely.

Jan45 Fri 13-May-16 13:14:06

A year, you should be at it like rabbits, or that's what I would be expecting, it's not just about the sex, it's intimacy and feeling loved, without the sex, you're just mates.

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 13:23:21

There's so much intimacy and love, compliments, affection. But I really just want very regular good sex, not to be hugged and hold I'm beautiful.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-May-16 13:37:36

I get where your coming from op not wanting to sound crass all that over the top your beautiful I love you stuff, doesn't ever make up for just bend me over already wink

Have you genuinely asked him if he is capable of doing that? Is he reserved or shy at all perhaps

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 13:43:42

He's very reserved. He hasn't had many sexual partners and I have had, ahem, a very fun past - think travelling, flings, love, all sorts - and never been with someone who has not been up for it as much or nearly as I am.

We started last night and he was like "hold on" and started taking his shoes off. That's fine, then suit etc but spent about 5 minutes carefully hanging it up, putting cuff links away, hanging up his tie... What the hell. No sense of urgency, passion, need... I asked him if he had ever felt the sort of desire where you just tear your/their clothes off and have passionate sex with no thought to where you are, where your clothes have ended up etc... He looked at me blankly and said no. I believe him 100%. He doesn't want an open relationship and we do have sex just not regularly enough by far for what I want and I'm sick of always initiating and getting turned down. It's making me frustrated and resentful and damaging the love. All just over a year in.

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 13:44:38

Exactly! I just want to be thrown on the bed/sofa/against a wall and fucked senseless. Argh.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-May-16 13:52:30

Hi roar

My dh had never come across someone as sexually experienced kinky or dare I say aggressive as me, I was never the shrinking flower type. I frightened him to death to be honest and he would say the same,
One time he barely got through my door I pushed him on the bed and sat on him, he froze in shock I burst in to tears feeling like a right bloody wally.

We had a frank discussion, he was up for it but was used to being turned down by a long term ex, and gf's that weren't bothered either way, so he lacked confidence.

I somewhat as much as I could calmed it down a bit and allowed him to go at his own pace, it worked out but VERY frank discussions were had about preferences and such.

I wondered what would have happened if you had just wrestled him to the bed whilst still in his suit?
If he rejects you that can be soul destroying, what does he say when this happens?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 13-May-16 14:03:24

As a man, can I say that you do need to TELL or SHOW your partner precisely what you like. We're not mind readers. I had an ex once who had a very low sex drive and had I just "thrown her against a wall or bed and fucked senseless" would have slapped my face and kicked me out of the house. Or even use the word fuck!!

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 14:08:06

He knows. I've tried all ways of telling him and he just gets defensive and implies it's abnormal to want sex - shock horror - every or most days at our age without kids. I'm more of a 2/3 times a day girl anyway but he would happily have sex once Saturday once Sunday and that's it for the week because he's "tired".

Soul destroying.

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 14:09:20

Guilty - thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know. It would probably freak him out. But also I want him to initiate and him to want to sneak off when in public or indulge in a little heavy petting when out of sight of others, not always me.

TheNaze73 Fri 13-May-16 14:33:04

Sex & money are the two biggest deal breakers in a relationship apparently. I'd get out now. I couldn't put up with that

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-May-16 14:37:55

Sorry roar I think your flogging a dead horse here, he has told you very plainly that for him your sex drive and needs are alien if not wrong to him.

It would be seen as controlling and coercive for you to try and make him have sex against his will as often and how you would like it. His thoughts around sex are deeply ingrained, so much so that he is not open to meet you half way or continue further discussion.

The fact is its his way or nothing, your a big girl you know the score, this isn't going to work out the way you want it, stop wasting both of yours time and go find yourself someone who wants what you have to give.

Don't be having this same argument 5yrs and 2 kids from now wine

roarfeckingroar Fri 13-May-16 14:54:37

You're right. He is texting me at work making the right noises but I know it's just talk and nothing will really change.

We live together, I don't want to move out, financially I'm in a good place but it feels a shame to throw away love and my best friend. Practicalities too... It's tough.

I know if we stayed together and he doesn't change - which he probably won't - I'll either grow to seriously resent him or sleep with someone else which isn't something I would do while still together.

Arfhghhhh why can't he just be a normal mid-20s man ?!

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