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Toxic friendships. What was your experience please?

(48 Posts)
SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 18:29:17

I have just ended a toxic friendship. She had a few great qualities but her worse traits cancelled those out. She slag people off constantly, twists the truth to try and make others look bad.

I'm sick of it. I'm dreading her turning up at my house..

MusicIsMedicine Thu 12-May-16 18:34:08

Been there.

You don't have to answer the door or have any further contact.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 18:38:16

She has zero awareness of her behaviour. She thinks I'm distancing myself because her boyfriend is back. It's just an excuse for me to gradually disappear. She told a mutual acquaintance I'm jealous. I'm not jealous of anybody stuck with her. I pity them.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 12-May-16 18:44:30

Sounds a bit like a narcissist and it's all about her. I've known people like that. Best let 'em get on with it.

FattyNinjaOwl Thu 12-May-16 18:48:39

I ended a friendship with one of those not long ago. Everything going was always about. It didn't matter if I was struggling, as long as she was OK. My DPs brother died. They hadn't even had the funeral before she was kicking off because she wanted baby clothes that she had given me back! They were in the attic in a bag. I told her I would get the clothes for her, not a problem. But she would have to wait for them as I can't get into the attic (mobility issues) and DP was struggling to come to terms with his brothers suicide.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Thu 12-May-16 18:56:58

It's horrible to have to end a friendship. I ended a long term friendship last year and I still worry over it every day.

I know I did the right thing but she got very nasty about it, calling me a liar, questioning my mental health (I don't have mental health problems but I do have a lack of confidence - I'm grown up enough not to blame her entirely for that but I believe that by allowing her to behave the way she did for so many years affected my confidence in myself and in other potential friendships). She behaved really poorly.

I've still not seen her since and actively avoid numerous places that I think I may bump into her (ridiculous, I know). My intention is, when I do bump into her, is to say hello and walk straight past, head held high.

If she comes to your house, be civil but not friendly. Say you're too busy to chat and you wish you'd known she was planning to pop in, you could've let her know it wasn't convenient.

Good luck

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 18:58:52

I appreciate your replies. Constant phone call all about her. Constant moaning and listing every single detail. After thirty minutes I might say oh my Son's Social Worker didn't turn up today for the school meeting. I don't know when DS's respite will be sorted for October no. Reply... mmmm. Silence.

calmandcussing Thu 12-May-16 19:00:37

Very close friends for years, fell out with me for the third & last time, because I'd failed to tell her that I'd been to see a male friend the night before. This was the final nail in the coffin for me. I have now blocked her from any kind of contact..f`kin bitch. And she owes me money.

calmandcussing Thu 12-May-16 19:03:50

And, the friendship was all about her. She wad beyond selfish. And reason I hadn't told her about visiting friend was that I could not get a word in edgeway to tell her. She would get drunk, off load on me, for hours at a time.. It was awful. She's awful.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 19:18:04

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and the advice. I have received a text from her just now to say she had been expecting it and it's not goodbye and how she obviously thinks more of me than I of her. How she knew I would do this when her boyfriend came back and I was in touch with my family (two cousins I facebook message and probably never meeting person).

Nothing about how she is miserable, self obsessed user. Using me as her therapist, chauffer and fodder for gossip. She sweats all the small stuff about everybody. It's really draining.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 19:20:08

Fed up of having to assert my personal boundaries and them kt being respected. She is an angry person about her childhood. She won't get help. I have suggested it when we have discussed her childhood but laughed off.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 19:24:31

I loveagood that's horrible when friendship ends in confrontation. Do you have other friends who see you differently?

calm That is her fault. Bad communication and u guess you got tired of battling to be heard so didn't tell her as you never knew she woukd listen.

Farty goodness! That's so low. Better off without her.

Music I definitely feel she has narcissistic personality styles.

Sorry I'm not good at advice as majority of well educated Mumsnetters are x

MusicIsMedicine Thu 12-May-16 19:24:32

I can't be doing with self-obsessed me, me, me types.

I had one who, the minute things weren't all on her terms, kept blocking me on phone/fb and saying the friendship was over, then silent treatment then weeks later re-adding me and mugging me off with bullshit text apologies. All this whilst I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life.

The third time she tried to re-add me on fb and sent the stock text apology, I simply ignored her.

Anyone that used control, manipulation or threats to get their own way isn't someone I want as a friend. Don't know why I put up with it previously.

My attitude to this childish nonsense now is:

You're done with the friendship? Good, bye.

MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed Thu 12-May-16 19:26:09

Have had to do this a few times, I am woeful for attracting 'lame ducks' as my mother would call them, both friends and partners.

First friend was very jealous and bitter about any little success I had, would make snide little comments about me and at the same time panic and overreact to everything and rely on me to calm her down. I got sick of it finally and told her I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Second friend, I suspect had histrionic personality disorder, based on her behavior and her reactions to things. Would tone it down a lot around me but let it fly full force at other people, and I should really have been suspicious that she drops (or is dropped by) her entire social circle every few years. She intentionally seeks out vulnerable people who are more likely to keep quiet about the things she does. I dumped her when she stalked me online and tried to corner me about posts I had made that weren't even about her. I'm talking seriously creepy stalking, she read through a back log of about 200 pages to find what she wanted to find, and the only way she could have found my profile in the first place was by looking at my phone when I was out of the room and making a note of it.

Third was actually my best friend of about 10 years, and I am still a bit gutted over that, but I wasted those 10 years and got nothing in return. She could be a good friend but she was utterly self-absorbed and caught up in severe depression that makes her very resentful. I had the worst year of my life last year and I could just tell when I was trying to talk to her that she was waiting for me to shut up so we could talk about her problems, though we had been talking about her problems for hours already. In the past I had supported her financially when she needed it, encouraged and found jobs for her, helped her with college work, when we lived together and she expressed that she didn't like where we were living I did all the legwork when it came to finding somewhere new to live. Nothing's changed, she lives with her partner in her preferred country, she has a good job with a lot of personal freedom, she has a good therapist and her partner is very supportive and she's still miserable. In the end I had to let her go for my own sanity.

I know this makes me sound like I get rid of friends a lot, but honestly I have a lot of good friends who are there for me and I'm there for them when they need it. A really good friend can make you realize how much crap you've been putting up with.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 19:28:39

She loves to make people look bad. For example. She told our mutual friend we had argued on a shirt break we'd had and I'd made her pay for our meal. I had not taken her to the beach but left her starving in the hotel room. None of that happened at all. I totally believe what I was told. On that holiday she was really off with me and I don't know why except I was happy and she wanted to bring me down.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 19:56:01

Sigh.. I thought I could handle her and she might change in ten years time. I can't handle the negativity anymore.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Thu 12-May-16 20:08:06

SoleBizzz Yes, I do have other friends (no one as close as she pretended to be, but I have women I can have fun with and confide in).

The end of our friendship really got to me and I have spent many hours wondering if she was right about certain things - she swore that I fabricated a conversation about something that she and I had discussed at length (I didn't share it with anyone else, but referred to the conversation at a later time with her IFSWIM), she denied SO MANY things that I know had happened. I started thinking, "Is it me?" "Am I really that deluded?" Luckily I have a great husband and other friends who reassured me that I was not losing the plot. She manipulated me so much that I often question now whether people really do like me or not.

ptumbi Thu 12-May-16 20:08:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FattyNinjaOwl Thu 12-May-16 20:09:46

You shouldn't have to put up with that sole
I have rwalised im quite angry at my ex friend for how she treatef me. Yes OK, I'm fat now (16 stone) but that's because for 2 and a half years I've not been able to move and you've visited 4 times?! Every time because something upset you. And you were fat until you starved yourself for a year living off slim fast and carried on starving yourself, refusing point blank to eat a full meal landing yourself in hospital repeatedly from fainting and shit while you were pregnant! But we can't talk about that because your boyfriends (who hit you in the stomach and I sat in hospital with you until 3 in the morning to make sure you and baby were ok) mum doesn't know you're having her grandson.

I feel a bit better ranting about her! I'd never do it IRL, but it feels good to do it here grin

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 20:26:30

I am no contact with all of my family except three members I seem to have a lo g history of toxic friendships and no contact. Finally I hope I have now made good acquaintances again with transparent, good natured people.

Will my other friends ask me what's wrong with me if they suspect t I'm a little bit different now I now longer her have my friend? I feel I did rely on her being there for me (even though I have got nothing).

As if I am at fault. I'm starting to blame myself now. I mustn't. I have booked a stable management course and hope to attend an adult education class. I'm losing weight and feel hopeful too..

I feel such a shit fir ending things. She is convinced it's because I'm jealous of her boyfriend living with her again and now I have gained confidence dumping her. Should I explain it's not that it's her behaviour and lies? Or if I do she will use this as an opportunity to gradually punish me for dumping her during our chat. She has zero awareness of her character traits.

Selfish, entitled, manipulative, liar, blames everybody else for consequences of her own actions, disinterested in others, tramples over other people's boundaries, liar, twisted reality.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 20:27:13

I want Any Fucker. sad

FattyNinjaOwl Thu 12-May-16 20:44:13

I wouldn't speak to her. You know it's not your fault and you're far from jealous. I would just politely correct anyone who asks about it (anyone shes lied to) and leave it at that.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 20:47:21

I feel it's a low insult as it's a stereotype of Women. You know.. oh she is jealous because she now has a boyfriend.. No. Just no! It was just tge excuse I needed. I had made excuses when she asked to meet me.

What can I say when people ask if I'm jealous? It seems to be believed by some people.

FattyNinjaOwl Thu 12-May-16 20:49:36

Just laugh it off and tell them there's nothing to be jealous of. You are perfectly happy with your life the way it is. And anyone that wants to believe her can piss off too.

SoleBizzz Thu 12-May-16 20:52:39

Thank you Fatty grin I will do that tomorrow night.sole bizznuss is off out. In a pub at Night with some new people!
First time for eight years!!

grin

Going to see a tribute band.

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