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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can't stop visiting married affair sites - in a total quandry

51 replies

1944dadhelp · 11/05/2016 19:24

So, I have been with dh over 24 years and we have 3 dd's (10, 13 & 16). I think now our relationship has evolved to the just tolerating each other and communicating the bare minimum. I know relationships get stale and that marriage should be for life but boredom has caused my mind to wander. For the past 3 weeks I've been visiting a website for people who are married but want an affair. Most of the people on there are complete pervs but there are a few lovely genuine people. In particular there is one guy (J) who I really seem to have connected with. We chat every night and he wants to meet up. I know this is wrong on every level but I am so so tempted. We have tentatively arranged to meet next week but I just don't know if I'll got through with it. Am confused in so many ways as what I should or shouldn't do and just wondered please if any-one has any words of wisdom of can speak from experience!

OP posts:

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coco1810 · 11/05/2016 19:28

I think that the fact that you are hesitant suggests that deep down its not something you want to do. Take it as a warning, sit your dh down and tell him how you really feel. If things don't change then call it a day and go for it. Just be careful it's not a case of grass being greener x

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher · 11/05/2016 19:29

Don't pursue this man. This J isn't a 'lovely, genuine' guy. He's someone who has coldly and deliberately set out to deceive his wife. Which is a frankly despicable thing to do. If you meet up with him with the intention of having an affair then you are as bad.

If you have problems in your relationship then either work on fixing them or have the decency to end things before you pursue sex with other men.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 11/05/2016 19:31

Only that I've been cheated on and it's horrible.

Fourormore · 11/05/2016 19:31

"lovely genuine people" don't set out to have affairs.

DirtyBlonde · 11/05/2016 19:31

You're in a quandary?

About what?

Of course you shouldn't be talking men from an affair website in secret.

End your marriage.

No need for quandary.

You don't have to stick in a relationship you do not value any more. But you don!4 have to become a liar and cheat as part of the extrication process.

wombattoo · 11/05/2016 19:32

Don't do it. No good will come of it.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 11/05/2016 19:35

It's pretty simple what you need to do is it not? Talk to your husband and start a divorce.

TheNaze73 · 11/05/2016 19:36

I think you're cheating already. End your relationship before you go elsewhere. Your husband deserves better

1944dadhelp · 11/05/2016 19:44

Yes I agree with you all and I know it's wrong but it's just so nice to feel appreciated, even if it isn't totally 'genuine'!!!
Thanks, think you've clarified what I know deep down to be correct

OP posts:

MagicMoonstone · 11/05/2016 19:51

Sit and imagine the conversation you'll have with your DH if he finds out. Imagine the shock on his face. Imagine the hurt in his eyes. Imagine telling him that rather than talking to him, you set out to hunt another man down.

Imagine packing your bags or watching him pack.... knowing your life is moving forwards with him probably hating you.

Then decide if you want to meet up with J.

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 11/05/2016 19:55

You're not being 'appreciated', you're being used to re-inflate someone's flagging ego and penis. Just sort out your divorce and then get on with your life being free to date someone who isn't the sort of knob you get on those sites, tricking their wives into staying with them, thinking they're faithful while fucking as many sad lonely sods as they can.

Joysmum · 11/05/2016 19:55

You have the conversation with your DH about trying to improve your marriage. If it can't be improved then you stay and accept the boundaries, or you leave and go seek out what you do want.

janaus · 11/05/2016 20:16

Don't hurt your husband by doing this. Please stop.

Mumandmummer · 11/05/2016 20:16

Your husband deserves better. Anyone deserves better.

SandyY2K · 11/05/2016 23:26

Try and put some spice back in your marriage instead of going down that road. it only brings more problems and you'll regret it.

Start talking to your H and look online for ideas of how to get some passion back in there. Plan a weekend away without the kids and buy some nice lingerie.

I know it' not an easy discussion to start, but you could say, you were chatting with a friend colleague and she mentioned how her and her husband do xyz. and you were thinking it would be a great idea for you guys too.

The devastation from infidelity isn't a place you want to go.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 07:14

Ugh. You absolute sleaze.

stiffupperlip5 · 12/05/2016 08:21

Yep this is a rotten thing to contemplate doing to your DH. Have some respect for him & yourself please. If you are really that unhappy then try to do something positive to change things for the better. If that fails then separation may have to be considered? But a sleazy liaison with a lying cheating scumbag? Yuk

Cabrinha · 12/05/2016 08:46

The plans you have to cheat - pretty low.

You know what really stands out as sad though? That you think there are some "lovely genuine people" on there. Did you really type that?

It's an affairs hook up site. By definition, lovely genuine people don't go there.

DrMorbius · 12/05/2016 09:10

Again the intrinsic bias on MN rears up.

Is there ever a debate to be had on this subject without it following the usual course. Can I offer two possible discussion points. A) the life time of monogamy is a Nortern European (based) mindset.

Perhaps both partners love each other but for some reason have different physical needs. While it is obviously preferable to be open and discuss it. This is just not always the available option. Some people just don't want to know. What if one partner has a low sex drive, every time the other partner goes out (for the agreed outside sex) partner at home is left to focus on their self perceived failing. Therefore perhaps this person really wouldn't want to know. gets out flame retardant coat in preparation

Peanutbutterrules · 12/05/2016 09:11

Stop. Now. Sort out your marriage one way or another. If you go down this route you'll just hate yourself in the end.

Ratbagcatbag · 12/05/2016 09:16

Don't fool yourself that these are nice people. And for want of explaining it better, if you end up having an affair with a friend there is some level of loyalty that they won't ruin your life (I'm not explaining this well so please don't flame me) but if you meet a "random" and it doesn't go as planned, they want more, see you again then it's very easy for them to happily inform your dh as they never have to see you again, don't ruin a friendship etc. A family member has stupidly signed up to a dating website, met two woman behind his wife's back. One wanted much more than he wanted (which from what we can figure out is sex plain and simple) and because he didn't want too. She's now sent proof to his wife of his affair.
If you're unhappy in your relationship look to separate or try to inject something back into your relationship. Don't risk it on an unknown.

MagicMoonstone · 12/05/2016 09:22

DrMorbius

An open marriage (if that is what you are suggesting) works for some relationships in some instances but not all.

Personally I could never be OK with my OH clearing off out to fuck someone else.

If this is the case and the OP wants to go down the route of an open relationship I think it's only fair she talks to DH about this before she takes the leap. It's about that crazy little thing called love RESPECT.

Perhaps if he realises just how bored she is, he will step up his game. At least he will have had the opportunity to keep his marriage a faithful one.

Starting the rocky road of having an affair will cause upset for all involved. The guilt, the sneaking about... having to be careful what you say and where you go. Guarding your phone. It will be like living with a split personality 24/7.

Please don't do it OP. Talk to your DH.

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thedancingbear · 12/05/2016 09:25

You should be ashamed, OP.

thedancingbear · 12/05/2016 09:26

^Sit and imagine the conversation you'll have with your DH if he finds out. Imagine the shock on his face. Imagine the hurt in his eyes. Imagine telling him that rather than talking to him, you set out to hunt another man down.

Imagine packing your bags or watching him pack.... knowing your life is moving forwards with him probably hating you. ^

She clearly doesn't give a fuck about this. People like her don't.

MagicMoonstone · 12/05/2016 09:32

I can't imagine being that calculating. Makes my blood run cold thinking there are actually even websites specifically designed for this.

I am waaaay too naive shudders

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