So confused

[Ineedmorecoffee]

I've got so much going around my head I'm sorry if this is all jumbled and full of waffle. Also trying hard not to out myself.
H and I have been together 12 years and have a large family.
Due to various reasons I've been a sahp for the past few years.
During this time h has become lazier and lazier with regards house work and childcare. Typical day would be him doing school drop off on way to work and that would be it.
He moans and complains about things that aren't done but never helps to get it done.
Recently Ive just given up doing somethings, I'm so fed up with running around and picking up everyone's shit. I've given up trying to make conversation with him because I'm sick of the lack of interest on his part, the fact he can't put his bloody phone down to have a conversation with me, the fact that if I ask him a question he can just ignore me until he feels like answering. He never asks about my day, where I've been or what we've done.
He finally decided to ask what was wrong (all through text because he was at work) I replied by telling him that I was fed up of being taken for granted.
He replied by telling me he's sick of being used as a meal ticket and expected to work as a slave.
Although massively pissed off with this I calmly asked if he could explain what he meant a bit more.
He went off on one, telling me I was criticising him and throwing things back in his face, I was petty and pathetic.
Again I asked him to explain why he thought that, which resulted in him saying I was playing mind games, I'm bitter twisted and resentful. Then he blocked me and didn't speak to me for a couple of days.
Last night I had to go and pick up our eldest. He sent me a message telling me I needed to get something while I was out.
I informed him I was aware of that.
Again he went off on, I'm not aware of his needs, (I may have been a little sarcastic at that point), a twisted bitch who again is playing mind games, he's had enough, either I sort myself out or move out.
Finished by telling me he was going away this weekend (not going to happen) because he needs to get away from me, he hates me for this and I'm making him ill.

After both times I've been left thinking WTAF just happened.
Was it me?? I wasn't aggressive, I wasn't rude, no name calling, I just asked some questions.
Has my behaviour (I just can't be arsedness) been out of order???
I just don't understand what I did to provoke such a hostile and nasty few messages.

[Ineedmorecoffee]

Has anyone got any advice??

[ButtonsAndBows]

Sounds so much like me and DH sometimes...

But if I'm brutally honest, your a sahp , do your kids all go to school in the day? I am a ful time student and am pretty much expected to do the cooking and cleaning aswell (and pregnant and 3 kids under. 10) . If I was a stay at home mum I don't think I'd expect DH to do anything except heavy work that I can't do and play with the kids .... But then he does work long hours and sometimes double shifts and weekend etc.

If I was working full time and my spouse was at home, I would be miffed if they wanted me to do more housework etc when I got home .

What does he do/doesn't do?

[Ineedmorecoffee]

Thanks for replying.
We have some at school some at home, all are 11 and under.
Apart from the school run in the morning (depending on his shift) he doesn't do anything.
Maybe I'm asking too much

[Jan45]

Not normal and healthy, he has zero respect for you and has checked out of family life, I'd be asking him to leave, he clearly does not want to be there and is putting everything on you, he says he feels like a slave, sounds like he thinks you are.

[justforthisonce]

how old are your kids? more details needed

[Jan45]

You are not asking too much, you are supposed to be equal and a team, he is treating you like a domestic servant, how on earth are you asking for too much?

[justforthisonce]

How many kids do you have also?

How many hours does he worl?

For eg. if hes out working 14 hours a day and you have six hours free whilst the kids are at school it makes a huge difference than if he say

he works 9-5 and you are breastfeeding and up in the night

[Ineedmorecoffee]

We have 5 kids between 11 and 2, 3 are at school.
There is a part of me that's a little resentful that he gets to go to work, I get that it's long hours and stressful but on the other hand he hasn't had to give anything up in order to have the kids. He really has no idea about that, he can't see past the fact he's a fucking meal ticket

[MatildaTheCat]

You need to sit down and talk calmly. Surely neither of you wants to end your marriage or stay and hate one another? So the alternative is to sit, talk, listen and work on a way forward. 5 kids under 11 is a lot of work for both of you. You both need to stop playing the 'I'm more knackered than you' game and start pulling together.

Have you got routines and so on to keep the household ticking over? If life is one long chaos the both of you are bound to be super stressed.

And stop having text arguements. Leave that stuff for the kids.

[ButtonsAndBows]

If he calls himself a meal ticket, source the price for a nanny and housekeeper and say you will work and split their salaries between you ... Because no doubt they will be earning more than you after tax, which will show you're "value". And say it seriously. And price up all holiday cover (clubs etc) and nanny will need a car etc etc

[Jan45]

So you are effectively looking after five children, some are his and he calls himself a meal ticket - the audacity is incredible, I wouldn't even want to have a conversation with this kind of cretin.

[nicenewdusters]

I think the meal ticket comment would be hard to come back from for me. Would he not be working if he wasn't married and/or had no children ? Also, does that mean he thinks his school age children are sponging off him ?

If your children were all being looked after by a nanny from 7 am to 6 pm, whilst you lunched, shopped, etc and then expected him to come home and cook, clean, iron, etc he might have a point. This is clearly not the case. I don't think it's about the actual division of chores, it's about respect and seeing you as an individual not just a mother with a hoover attached.

Someone said earlier that he'd checked out of family life. If he has he needs to check back in if he cares about your feelings at all. As for his comment, he needs to be the one to move out if he can't sort himself out.

[Ineedmorecoffee]

He's still ignoring me. Once the kids are in bed I'm taking a coffee with me to watch the sunset, because I just can't be bothered with him if he's going to behave like a fucktard

[RedMapleLeaf]

These aren't the kinds of things you can do by text.

[Ineedmorecoffee]

I completely understand that.
He's refusing to acknowledge me let alone talk. It's a huge problem of his, he can't talk he just stomps and shouts

[Goingtobeawesome]

We have three kids and I have been at home since pregnant with the first. DH is out 11-12 hours a day. As soon as he walks in the door he will do whatever I need him to do. He's never once said why haven't you done it. I have a ten year old at home full time who does some chores too.

DH is smart enough to know that he couldn't go out to work if wasn't at home looking after his children.

You both need to talk but you also need to listen. Agree things got out of hand but you want to start afresh and work things out. If you do..

[springydaffs]

To say he has no communication skills is a major understatement.

Instead of talking maturely, he lashes out. He doesn't explain what he means, you're supposed to know, by osmosis.

He's probably learned his communication 'skills' from his family. Or maybe not. I'd be much more concerned about this serious lack in any adult skills of communication than the fact he is a lazy bastard doesn't do any work in the home.

That, or he sees women as the serf in the home. In which case you're on a hiding to nothing. It's highly unlikely he'll change that view - how dare you question him on it. What roles do his parents have in their marriage?

Or it's probably a mixture of the above to varying degrees. Let's hope it's not the latter.

[Ineedmorecoffee]

He had an awful upbringing, the whole family was a freaking nightmare. Thankfully we are nc with them.
But saying all this he is capable of more than he shows me. He deals with a huge amount of crap at work and I doubt he turns to stomping and shouting there.

[springydaffs]

Exactly

[PeppermintPasty]

Well, if he won't eventually sit down and talk sanely then you either keep the status quo or go and get some advice about splitting. Neither are particularly pleasant but I'd take the latter over the former any day. It's just not worth it is it? You are both stressed out and resentful, your kids must be picking up on that etc etc.

It's not normal. Do you think you are at the end of the road?

[Ineedmorecoffee]

Well bugger me, he is going away this weekend. One of the kids has just let slip (not allowed to tell mummy) that 3 of them are going away with him after school. 😡

[DoreenLethal]

Just three of them? Let me guess, the ones that are less work?

I suggest that you go away for a weekend as soon as you can and leave him to deal with all the kids for a significant period of time, and then you come home and start moaning about the mess.

[nicenewdusters]

Who on earth doesn't tell the mother of their children that they're going away for the weekend with 3 of the children ?!! Did he think he could slip out of the house without you knowing, what a loser.

And yes, as Doreen said, you go away for the weekend - no children - as you want to get away from him.

[crazydil]

Honestly, he sounds like my husband. Serious communication issues. What he said is complete bs. He doesn't feel like a slave, he just felt attacked and felt he needed to fire right back. And this usually boils down to selfishness and arrogance (how dare you criticize me type of behaviour). He refuses to put himself in your shoes, because in his mind he's so great that he can do no wrong.

What a prick

[Ineedmorecoffee]

He did tell me he was taking them away (eventually), I had a great time watching him try to pack. Yep it's the easier ones and they are having a wonderful time.
He said he needed a break from my mind games to digest and think about things that have been said. Presumably this won't include what he's said to me.
Absolutely crazy, I've told him he does bugger all to help and support at home and he's lashed out the best way he could, he's always been like this with me, he does lock horns with senior people at work occasionally I think his boss is a dick too
But that's nowhere near as common as it used to be.
Wonder if he thinks I'll have backed down over the weekend and done some of the things I've stopped doing for him