Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

sex, pelvic pain, general misery. no end in sight.

4 replies

lolaflores · 10/05/2016 20:26

the pain is getting worse. we haven't had sex in 5 months. last time we had sex over xmas he was pissed and horrible. flaming row next day. words said that shamed us both.

DD away at a school thing last night so we went for dinner, all very nice. came home. I suggest some sexy time...he threw the same shit he'd handed out at Xmas and that was that.
he says he thinks I am doing my wifely duty by forcing myself to have sex. I want to but he thinks I am just being whatever.

I am in constant pain. I have a walking stick and move with difficulty. I have physio, chiropractor, pain management but things are not improving. My life has narrowed to not very much. Driving is hard.

I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:

Report

pocketsaviour · 10/05/2016 20:53

Are you able to talk to him about your emotions regarding your general declining health and your sex life, or does he just chuck a tantrum every time and stomp off? (very attractive, that must do wonders for your libido)

Report

lolaflores · 10/05/2016 21:21

I am getting sick of the sound of my own voice. I am stuck in a cycle of pain etc. I feel useless, he tells me everything is going to be fine....sometimes throws a tantrum. Everything is not going to be fine and I am frightened of how I am going to end up. Him washing my arse and pushing me round in a wheelchair. My overall sense of myself is in the negatives and I am losing ground by the day. sOmetimes I think it is too much to put on him and I want to give back but amn't able to do so in any concrete way. Does that make any sense.

OP posts:

Report

mummyto2monkeys · 10/05/2016 22:01

As someone who shares your problem, thanks to lasting damage to pelvis caused by two pregnancies with extreme spd/ pgp there are positions which are not as painful on your pelvis. Such as spooning, all fours, from behind etc. There are also other ways to please each other . I actually find that orgasm is a great short term pain relief. Your husband just needs to spend the time finding a position that won't hurt.

Is your pelvic pain a leftover from pregnancy, has your g.p investigated your pelvis fully, scans etc ? Does your g.p know how extreme your pain is? I am on crazy pain killers which dont fully work but can't move onto morphine thanks to allergy. So when the pain is worse I have to alternate heat therapy with cold therapy which does help. It is difficult, has your husband had support to help him cope with his new caring role? If he is helping you toilet etc then you really need to contact adult services at social services. I have female carers seven days a week which has really helped my husband. He has also had three lots of counselling to help him deal with having a severely disabled wife.

You need support too, it hurts emotionally as well as physically, the changes in our bodies/ lives/ relationships are very hard to deal with.

Report

lolaflores · 11/05/2016 00:18

I had three discs fused 4 years ago. My sacrill joint is inflamed and my hip is degenerating. Both pregnancies were painful with very quick deliveries, like rockets being launched. I have had MRI's the lot and the state of things is clear. There are vacums in my sacril joint or something. The pain medication situtation is not helped by opoid scares so the docs in pain management a bit hummm about anything stronger than codeine but I think I need something stronger to get through the day.
We are in America currently. I get help with DD2 who is 9, which we pay for. A cleaner comes in once a week. Self care so far isn't an issue rather than feeling very house bound.
I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. You are quite right that we need to try different positions and make the time to do that or else our relationship shall be in tatters. Sex is important in a relationship. It is a binding material in my view, it is give and take too and it is comforting. The days of rampant sex are long gone and we need to create a new style for ourselves but it is about time and effort isn't it.

I fear that my condition puts undue strain on him and it comes out sideways, we all end up feeling helpless. He keeps saying its going to be fine, but I don't agree though have no idea what will happen. It feels hopeless at the moment. THanks again for your insight. I do appreciate it.