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Don't kow if my partner has cheated.

(40 Posts)
StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 17:39:38

Hi. I have name changed for this as I don't want anyone I know to see it as it;s all just so embarrassing. I guess I'm posting because there is a lot of good advice on here, and I don't know what to believe anymore, and an outsider might be able to be more logical than me.

I got a message on facebook last year, it went to my "others" folder, so I didn't see it until a couple of months later.
It said: "You might want to check your partners emails and figure out why he is chasing other women as (username) especially since he has a kid with you. Cause if I catch him coming near my woman again he is in trouble."

the username is not one my partner uses (afaik) but is definitely one he would use if that makes sense? Its basically something he says about himself in a jokey way. Im trying not to out myself.
I couldnt reply to the message as the person had either blocked me, or deactivated their account.

Early in our relationship, my partner actually had sent messages to a woman, telling her all about a sex dream he had about her, and what he would like to do with her. This is why I didn't just assume it was nonsense. He is aware that I consider it cheating and that if he did it again it would be over.

When I found the message I called him at work, and asked him who (senders name) was. He said he didn't know, when I told him the message, he denied all knowledge, then said he was coming home to propose to me. This set my alarm bells ringing, as marriage is a sore topic in our house (something i want, he says he does, but never materialises).

Anyway he said he couldn't prove a negative, and I couldnt prove anything either. so I dropped it, but never really felt like he definitely hadnt done it.

I found the message by chance again this week while deleting messages, and for some reason decided to google the name (I hadn't before). The name is not hugely common. On 192.com there are 150 matches for it.

The first hit on google was a linkedin account, for someone with that name, who lives in our village, and went to his school. This person also is not on facebook.

I just feel like it is too much of a coincidence. I dont really know what to think sad

Sorry this was long.

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 17:40:01

Sorry for the typo in the title.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-May-16 17:45:23

His reaction was really overkill, wasn't it? Distracting you by promising something you've wanted for years in the hope you'd forget all about this other business.

So are you going to contact this person who messaged you, via LinkedIn?

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 17:51:40

it was complete overkill. The marriage thing is a bit of a source of conflict, as I have one remaining relative, and no other family, and he is 83, and not in great health. Him being able to see me marry is a big thing for me, yet I kee getitng told "one day"

During a row a few weeks ago the marriage thing came up, and he said he would never marry me, and when I asked why he would commit in having children with me, yet not marry me, (when children are a bigger commitment than marriage in my eyes) his answer was "If we split up with children, you only get child mantenence, rather than the half of everything you'd get in a divorce"

So I don't even believe it was genuine anyway, it would never have amounted to anything.

I have no way of knowing if the linkedin profile is the same person as sent me the facebook message.

ImperialBlether Tue 10-May-16 17:52:38

Sounds like a guilty man to me. I would definitely contact that guy on LinkedIn.

ImperialBlether Tue 10-May-16 17:53:23

He doesn't sound a very nice guy, OP. Do you love him?

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 17:53:46

So guilty by responding with an intent to propose - why on earth do you want to marry someone who has done this, of course it's him!

He's cheated, at least once, that's for sure, please give yourself more worth and do not marry someone who is not deserving.

Until he actually admits his deceit, there's no way forward.

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 18:11:20

I appreciate I've not made him sound very nice. But aside from this he is and he is a good dad.

givepeasachance Tue 10-May-16 18:14:41

Hmmmm I think you should go with your gut on this one and stop talking yourself out of it being a possibility.

Sorry

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 18:15:20

OP, change your name for starters and stop taking the blame for his shit behaviour, you have posted for good reason.

Aside from this you say, so fidelity is not important to you or you are prepared to brush it under that carpet again.

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 18:16:39

Plus why are you hanging on to a man that is dangling a carrot in front of you, the fact he is stalling about marriage says plenty too, that coupled with the cheating, I mean really OP, do you want to shackle yourself to someone who is clearly not even invested.

magoria Tue 10-May-16 18:17:36

No idea if he has cheated or not.

He has zero respect for you and thinks you are not an equal partner nor deserving of a 'fair' share of assets.

Get yourself protected as soon as you can financially whilst with this man in case he wanders off into the sunset with another leaving you with the minimum possible.

You deserve better.

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 18:38:36

If he has messaged this person it will be for the same reason as before. His ex was into all kinds of fetish things, and he says he wasn't, but then I saw him complaining to his friends on a message that I wasn't, and that's what he was messaging the other woman about. He still maintains that he isn't interested in any of that, but I would guess that's what its over and I'm just too dull.

Offred Tue 10-May-16 18:45:17

So he has cheated, he tells his friends he is not happy but lies to you, doesn't respect you enough to treat you as an equal and tried to propose to you when he was accused of cheating?

Yes I think he is cheating and even if he isn't I would leave him alone with only his precious money anyway.

Wonkydonkey44 Tue 10-May-16 18:59:20

I'm a big believer in gut instinct . He's up to no good x

AyeAmarok Tue 10-May-16 19:11:04

He sounds like a really horrible person. Total cruel fucker.

You can do so much better.

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 19:35:52

I'm not sure if there is any point messaging the person on linked in. They might not reply even if it was them. And even if they said he had he isn't going to admit it is he.

oldlaundbooth Tue 10-May-16 19:41:29

"If we split up with children, you only get child maintenance, rather than the half of everything you'd get in a divorce"

Always good to know he's telling it like it is! hmm Can't believe he said this out loud and to your face.

So, in his eyes, it's only about money?

Jeese.

oldlaundbooth Tue 10-May-16 19:43:30

'Early in our relationship, my partner actually had sent messages to a woman, telling her all about a sex dream he had about her, and what he would like to do with her. '

How do you know this? Did he tell you, or did you find out?

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 19:44:05

Tbf it was said in an argument and I gueasy we all say awful things in arguments. I don't know what to think really.

oldlaundbooth Tue 10-May-16 19:44:48

'I'm just too dull.'

No, OP, you are not dull. Do not say that.

And you are not a doormat either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 10-May-16 19:46:14

Are you now engaged, OP? He must have been scared witless considering that he knows you always wanted marriage and he never proposed up until then...

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 19:47:25

I was playing a game on his phone and a message notification came up and I accidentally clicked it as I was touching the screen to play a game.

It opened up a string of messages and at first glance because it was so explicit and he's not like that at all I thought it must be a joke or something them actually realised it was him.talking to her about a sex dream he had. I asked who she was and it was he said it was just worDS in a screen and meant nothing.

The morning that he had done it, he had woken me up with his dreaming making noises, and when we were in the car on the way to work I asked what he was dreaming he looked at me and said he didn't know what I was talking about. sad

Billben Tue 10-May-16 19:47:58

He is hiding something. And even though he said what he said in the heat of the moment, those are his true feelings towards you and marriage. He knows you want to marry and to take the heat off him (because he is guilty) he quickly said he was planning on proposing. To shut you up and stop digging. If you decide to stay with him, don't let your guard down.

StupidDoormat Tue 10-May-16 19:48:54

lying no were not. I obviously said no that day and a real proposal has never appeared since.

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