Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

am I being stupid / unfair?

11 replies

DailyMailEthicalFail · 10/05/2016 14:02

Been married 15 years.
Neither of us are happy, and haven't been for a long long time.

Yesterday, for example:
We'd been on a family day out on Sunday. Had visited a local landmark. A craft stall had been selling photos of it. I bought a framed one for the hallway. And two small ones to frame for children's rooms. I had done it 'secretly', partly so H didn't complain about the money (£18, total, from my DLA) and partly to surprise the children once framed.

H comes in from work at 4pm. A little while later he starts to unwrap the photo package (bubble wrap and tape). I ask him not to, as there is a 'surprise in there for the kids'. He carries on. I ask him again. He carries on. I tell him - please stop. He throws the package on the floor and stomps out of the room shouting about 'having to do as he is told'.

At 7pm he announces he is running a bath as he is sore. We have two children to process through the bathroom / bedroom routine and quite a few parental jobs to do still prior to 'sitting down / having personal time'. I ask if he can hang on for a bit and help getting the kids to bed, house organised, animals dealt with etc.
He slams his coffee down (breaking cup and making a big mess all over the kitchen) and storms off upstairs. I do as much of it as I can solo (I have mobility problems) and get to sit down myself at around 9.30.

there is loads more but I am not sure where to start / stop so I'll just put this for now.

OP posts:

Report

Uptownfuckuup · 10/05/2016 14:09

why are you still with him ?

Report

goddessofsmallthings · 10/05/2016 14:33

It seems to me you'd be infinitely better off without the selfish eldest child of the family poisoning the atmosphere with his tantrums.

Is there reason why he couldn't have bought momentoes of the family day out for the hallway and for his dc? Do you often find yourself having to buy items 'secretly' out of your DLA?

Report

DailyMailEthicalFail · 10/05/2016 15:00

He would say I am bullying him by not letting him look at the picture.
And that I am 'being unfair not letting him have a bath when he's been out at work all day'.
I don't know?

Yes, I use my DLA for family food and the children's clothes. H will 'lend' me money when it runs out each month (it always does). Due to health issues I have not been in work for some time. H works in a manual job which pays badly so we are always 'in the red'. This is my fault.

OP posts:

Report

fuzzywuzzy · 10/05/2016 15:20

It's not your fault at all.

A normal partner, would pitch in with kids/housework/dinner/pets.

Dp and I shower last after kids have gone to bed, if it's urgent need to shower it's an in and out in under five minutes type of shower.

You would be so much better or in every way without this 'man'.
He causes more work; smashed coffee cup and coffee everywhere and aggro screaming and shouting and wanting to unwrap gifts. What does he bring into the home, not tranquility, not sharing of the household tasks, not care of the children, not kindness and companionship with you not even money.

LTB

Report

Marchate · 10/05/2016 15:35

Please, don't blame yourself for any of his dreadful behaviour. Take care

Report

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2016 15:39

I have a disability causing mobility problems and pain. Our DC are adults so no childcare needed.

I don't work anymore so dh gets up and feeds animals and makes tea in bed. He goes to work and I potter, see friends, do what needs doing within my pain limits. He comes home, shops if needed, cooks and if I'm bad he clears up,too.

He's not perfect, he grumbles a bit and sometimes sighs. He never, ever throws things, refuses help or shouts at me. It's tough but there are no excuses for such shit behaviour. He needs to man up and support his wife. Can you talk calmly together about how things might be improved? If not maybe counselling. Maybe he needs to be heard even if you disagree with his views.

If things cannot change I would be considering my options here. Sorry.

Report

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2016 15:42

I think you'd be much better off in every way without him.

Have you looked at the Entitled To calculator?

Report

Penfold007 · 10/05/2016 15:51

He's emotionally and financially abusive. What would you like to do? Plenty of posters on here can give great advice and support

Report

MooningIntoTheAbyss · 10/05/2016 15:58

He sounds just like my STBXH.

He always. Accused me of bullying him. When in fact he was bullying me.
Took me a while to see it.

STBXH hasn't fully moved out yet. But already, having started the divorce process it feels like a weight has been lifted from me.

Report

Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2016 16:15

I'm sure you don't need me to point out that DLA is awarded to fund adjustments you need to live life on a par with someone who didn't have a disability. It is not an out-of-work benefit and you certainly shouldn't be expected to cover household bills with it. (I bet a lot of families find they have to, though.)

Report

DailyMailEthicalFail · 10/05/2016 18:23

Annie yes, I do know that re DLA. But since they stopped my ESA due to me being on it more than 12m and being married (despite the fact I've had 6 operations in last 12m) we need to use it to pay for food.