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Pregnant with 2nd child and husband thinking of leaving because he doesn't want it!

(35 Posts)
nannyplum77 Tue 10-May-16 10:35:11

Hi everyone

Apologies in advance by the long post but there is a bit of background...

My husband and I are both 39, we have a 4 year old son, both have good jobs, our own home etc. We have had some issues in the past but have managed to work through them and we were in a pretty good place, or so I thought.

He's always known I wanted another child and we had agreed it was an option when it was the right time. A few months ago we took the decision to not actively try to conceive, but not prevent either and let nature take it's course. We agreed that if we had a successful pregnancy (I've had 3 miscarriages in the past and it took quite a long time to conceive our son) by the time I was 40 then great, but if not, we would not try any further and he would have a vasectomy. I was fine with this.

A couple of months later, he hit me with the bombshell that he really doesn't want another child and he is going to speak to the doctor about a vasectomy.... bit of a shock but I figured we both had to want another child and we already have a beautiful son, so I accepted it.

What I didn't realise was that by then I had already fallen pregnant. I'm now 9 weeks along and everything looks fine - I had an early scan the other day.

Well, he has taken it badly and doesn't feel he can cope with another child. I'm not sure if he's trying to guilt trip me into a termination but I have told him that's not an option. I've basically said that this baby exists and I will continue with the pregnancy with or without him. I'd like us to remain a family but if he feels that strongly I have said he has to make the choice about whether he's in or out. He wants time to think and is seriously considering leaving me.... I could half understand if I'd deceived him in some way i.e. stopped taking the pill without telling him etc.

Part of me wants to fight and try to make things work - I'm sure he'll feel differently when the baby is here.

The other part of me thinks I need to put my babies first and I'm better off without someone who would do this.

Any advice? Thanks in advance x

Iamdobby63 Tue 10-May-16 11:10:18

Congrats on your pregnancy, I'm sorry its being spoilt by your DH.

What kind of Dad is he to your son? Do you think he was having doubts about your relationship before which led him to announce the vasectomy?

Good for you for being so strong with your reaction to him, I think you are wise to just let him make his decision.

Could he be having some sort of crisis given he is to turn 40 next birthday?

Stardust160 Tue 10-May-16 11:14:10

Stick to your guns I wouldn't chase him you deserve someone who wants to be there and support his family. He should of been a 100 percent on board if he wanted to stop using contraception. It was reckless on his part to do this without being fully on board with the possibility of a pregnancy occurring. I hope you get the outcome you want OP flowers

nannyplum77 Tue 10-May-16 11:22:36

He's a really good dad to our son, a lot more involved and hands on than a lot of dads I know. He does lack patience sometimes and is a little harsher/more strict with him than I would like but on the whole he's great.

I asked him to remember how he felt when DC came in to the world and would he not feel the same once the baby is born. His reply was 'well that was different because I wanted DC'.

I did say that even if he leaves, there will still be two children and he can't just be involved with one of them... He said 'well I could....'. I was gobsmacked he would even say this.

The only other factor to consider is that hubby has suffered on and off with depression for a few years. I've seen evidence of it rearing it's ugly head again recently anyway and has been much worse since the pregnancy news. He is being so negative about everything now and has such a downer on himself, always feeling he isn't good enough, can't be what I need him to be, etc etc. I've told him to get help but he has recently started a new job where he has to declare all medication (even antibiotice/cold & flu etc) and is worried about being on antidepressants. I just can't get through to him.

Hillfarmer Tue 10-May-16 12:28:17

Many congratulations on your long-awaited pregnancy OP.

This is really tough for you nanny and I feel angry that he is somehow putting you in a position of having to persuade him about this pregnancy, when he quite obviously has just as much responsiblity and 'cognition' as you do. It is unacceptable for him to do this to you. It is as if he makes you responsible for puling him out of his depression as well. He needs to sort himself out and not offload a great big pile of shit onto you. I am angry on your behalf that he is being so fucking selfish. If I were you I would disengage from him on this subject for a while, so that he has to take the initiative, both on his reaction to your pregnancy and in treating his depression if it has come back again. Don't let him put this onto you. Outrageous!

I feel he has no right to 'take it badly'. I think you've done the right thing by saying you will have this baby with or without him. That puts the ball firmly in his court. Make sure you leave it there. He really does need to sort himself out. Tell him that he needs to make up his mind what he's going to do and I would go so far as to set him a deadline... he can't leave this hanging over your head. Again, he has no right to leave you in the state of not knowing. Take back a bit of control by setting a deadline. If he is going to leave then he should bloody well leave.

Do you have supportive friends and family OP. I am sure it would help if you sorted this out, or at least told GP or health visitor what's going on. It helps to have some sympathetic ears.

nannyplum77 Tue 10-May-16 14:06:00

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Hillfarmer - I absolutely want to leave the ball in his court and force him to make a decision but the truth is, I don't think I want to be with him anymore - this has completely changed my feelings towards him. I want him to leave.

I don't think he will though - he has always been good at playing the martyr/victim and walking out on his pregnant wife would show him in a bad light, when he always wants to be seen as the good guy.

This will probably lead him to stay and, he will only be staying so he can continue to be with me and our son and 'do the right thing' - not because he wants this child. I can see this being the case and the situation becoming so miserable and tense that I end up leaving in the end anyway!

Iamdobby63 Tue 10-May-16 14:13:02

Yes unfortuately you could end up resenting him, plus I'm sure if he were to stay you would want him to for the right reasons.

Perhaps you should mention that you are not even sure you want him to stay. I worry about saying that as I don't want you to increase your stress.

How long has this been going on for?

Pisssssedofff Tue 10-May-16 14:26:12

Oh let the fucker go. My ex burst into tears of despair when I told him I was expecting my fourth - Ivf - baby. I wish I'd kicked him out the door then the bloody idiot, things only got worse. How dare he do this to you

nannyplum77 Tue 10-May-16 14:26:43

It's been going on a few weeks. One minute we are barely talking and the next he's speaking like none of it is happening.... the other day he was planning a possible trip to a theme park and talking about who we should invite and who should go in what cars etc. When I said 'well I don't think there's much point in me going as I won't be able to go on the big rides etc' he just clammed up and walked off - then we're left with the elephant in the room again.

The only time we speak about the pregnancy is if I bring it up, he refuses to acknowledge it otherwise. I went for an early scan last week (by myself) and he didn't even ask me how it went, I had to bring it up days later before we even talked about it.

Iamdobby63 Tue 10-May-16 14:30:00

So enough time for him to have got over the shock.

When he was planning the cars, was that too the theme park or the cars of the rides?

Iamdobby63 Tue 10-May-16 14:30:49

*to. Doh!

nannyplum77 Tue 10-May-16 14:33:55

Sorry it was the journey to and from, who was going to get lifts with who.

He has also said 'I might be old fashioned but I don't class you as properly pregnant until after the 12 weeks'.

Old fashioned - no. Ignorant - yes.

I suspect he may be hanging in there until the 12 week scan in case I miscarry and then problem solved (!).

Poppies26 Tue 10-May-16 14:37:38

This happened to me. My eldest was 1 and the time and although my ex was initially ok with the second pregnancy it soon became clear that he wasn't ok with it at all. I made it clear that I was having the baby. He left. I was a single mum with 2 kids for about 6 years until I met my oh.
It was difficult my kids are only 16 months apart but I managed.
That was 14 years ago and I don't regret my actions at all. I think the ex has, although he manages to blame me for his decisions!

Chlobee87 Tue 10-May-16 14:55:39

Congratulations on your pregnancy, best wishes for a healthy and smooth ride! flowers

I'm sorry but this is one of the worst examples of a partner that I've read about on MN for quite some time. I don't even have a word for how much of a tosser he is being.

I think you just have to make it crystal clear to him that you will not be begging him to stay and that his window of opportunity to remove his head from his backside and come to the party is quickly narrowing. Also be honest with him that you aren't even sure you want to be with him any more.

Be kick ass! Tell him (again) that this baby will be born with or without his support. He can of course choose to see his existing DC and not the new baby if he so chooses but that you will expect him to sign over his PR (if it works like this?) and will not want to know when he changes his mind and the child is 5. He also must realise that this approach will have further repercussions when existing DC gets older and realises what a complete arsehole his dad is for denying his second child and disowns him.

Basically, he needs to understand very clearly that he is not calling the shots here and that it's he who will be missing out, NOT you.

BreakWindandFire Tue 10-May-16 15:44:41

If he's normally OK, but is prone to depression, it's possible illness is at the heart of this. This downward slide has happened over the last few weeks, his attitude swings back and forth, he's seems to be ignoring what's going on, he's negative - as someone who has suffered with depression all this resonates with me. It may be chemical, it may be the stress of the new job (or both).

Terrible for you to deal with regardless of the cause. The fact that he has to declare medications to his work is a barrier to seeking help (because he's probably 'catastrophising' as well). I think you have to keep plugging away at getting him to the doctors - making clear that it's a make or break issue for you, and you can't put up with this for much longer.

He may still have the same attitude after treatment, but it's possible you aren't dealing with the 'real' him right now. flowers

Hillfarmer Tue 10-May-16 16:26:56

Yeah OP, I can completely see how this has changed your feelings for him. And especially after that 12-week comment - FFS, that's just inhuman.

Does seriously he think that if you did miscarry then everything would be back to normal? Er, no. His attitude beggars belief. And his behaviour towards you is vile.

Jan45 Tue 10-May-16 16:35:49

What a truly horrible man, you are pregnant and instead of supporting you and looking after you he is resenting you and making you feel bad, please tell him to fuck off as far as possible, you really don't need a person that can be so bloody awful under such a momentous occasion - I don't know how you can even look at him, he sounds absolutely vile, I wouldn't want him as my baby's dad - he's no where near deserving.

Twitterqueen Tue 10-May-16 16:36:13

I'm very sorry OP but anyone who can react in the way that he is, is a total arse and you will be so much better off without him. He doesn't love you and the reason he doesn't want the child is because it will be an additional tether, preventing him from leaving you and doing his own thing.

My view, from what you've said, is that he could cope with your one DS because he can do whatever he wants but he won't be able to do that with a new baby. I think it's very sad that he doesn't want the child. When you have one already, how can he not love another one?

I'm not sure how you can carry on anyway. If, God forbid, anything should happen to the baby and you did miscarry, how would reconcile yourself to the fact that he was only staying with you because the baby died?

congratulations flowers Good luck

soapydopeybubbles Tue 10-May-16 16:48:24

Hi OP

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

I've suffered with depression for 10 years and found it v difficult to adjust to finding myself pregnant despite both me and my DH wanting children.

Although your OH's illness could explain him initially finding the pregnancy difficult to adjust to you absolutely musn't allow him to use it an an excuse for his appaling behaviour. Depression is horrible and sometimes it makes us think/feel some dreadful things but we still have to behave like adults and treat others decently, despite how difficult we sometimes find life.

It needs to be made perfectly clear to him that if he makes the decision to leave and not have anything to do with his second child then that decision is final. Ensure he understands his name will not go on the birth certificate and therefore he permanently waives his parental rights to this child.

He needs to make his decision promptly and has no right to leave this hanging over you. However, if you make the (completely understandable) decision that you want him to leave them tell him so and stick to your guns. Regardless of his decision he needs to know that you will not be waiting to welcome him back with open arms and that his behaviour has permanently changed how you see him.

Be strong and good luck.

Offred Tue 10-May-16 16:51:42

Does he realise that he needs to accept reality? Leaving you won't make him not a father to this baby (no matter what happens in the pg). He made a decision and then changed his mind and that's unfortunate but he was too late and he needs to just accept that as a fact now really. This is not something he has had done to him.

cestlavielife Tue 10-May-16 16:55:28

if he is ill with depression he needs to get to GP and get therapy or ADs.
then, you can maybe talk to him rationally.
his work cannot sack him for being ill.
if he has to declare he has to declare.
if he is genuinely depressed and ill and might put people at risk thru not declaring then he is being an idiot.

if you want this baby then it is your choice..congrats ! .

and give him ultimatum of seeking help with his depression or leaving.

Offred Tue 10-May-16 16:55:36

And yes I think you should take the choice away from him. I don't think it is acceptable to let him off the hook re his parenting responsibility though. If he decides to abandon his children then you will have to accept that but I would be making it very clear that he has responsibilities and I expect that he upholds them. If he still chooses to abandon the DC then you'll have to make the best of it but don't encourage him to or make this choice easy.

mummyto2monkeys Tue 10-May-16 16:56:29

I am so sorry OP, how dare he treat you and your unborn child like this! I have a cousin who this happened to, although her husband turned out to be having an affair and eventually left her for a sixteen year old. Her husband said he wanted nothing to do with their second child, as he didn't love him and had not intention of developing a relationship with him. My cousin refused to give him access to their elder son saying he either saw them both or not at all. She didn't see him for dust and raised both boys on her own.

Is it possible that your dh has met someone else? I find it very strange that he is emotionally detaching himself from you like this. Why on earth will another precious child make such a difference to him. Has he decided that he actually dislikes being a Father? Is he going to turn around and decide that he doesn't want your ds any more?

Does your dh go between highs and extreme lows, I am just wondering if he might be bipolar? Does your dh have a sibling or parent who could talk to him for you?

Offred Tue 10-May-16 16:56:47

I mean take the choice away by leaving him. I would not want to be with him in these circs or hang around parenting him or waiting for him to make a choice.

Fourfifthsof Tue 10-May-16 19:08:59

What a horrible situation OP...

I did say that even if he leaves, there will still be two children and he can't just be involved with one of them... He said 'well I could....'. I was gobsmacked he would even say this.

I went for an early scan last week (by myself) and he didn't even ask me how it went, I had to bring it up days later before we even talked about it.

If it wasn't for these two comments ^^ I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and said give him some time to get used to the idea but I think he doesn't deserve any benefit of any doubt - he deserves a kick up the butt!

You didn't accidentally get pregnant, nature took its course and if he didn't want that to happen, he should have taken precautions.

I'm not surprised that your feelings towards him have changed... If I was in your position I don't think I would ever get over this behaviour and the things he has said, even if he changed it all around now and became father of the year... flowers

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