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After 10 years apart - feeling unsettled that he's having a baby with new wife

(4 Posts)
ThursdayAlready2 Tue 10-May-16 09:07:28

Very brief background – we got married, I was blissfully happy, then a year after the wedding he acquired an OW, he turned really horrible, totally rubbed my nose in it and couldn’t divorce me fast enough. He totally broke my heart. I met a lovely new guy shortly afterwards, then DH did a massive u-turn and wanted me back, but he’d behaved too badly for too long (he really had been cruel) and I wasn’t prepared to ditch a great new guy for someone who’d annihilated our marriage so soon after the wedding.

OK – so fast forward nearly 10 years. I married the new guy and we’ve very happy. My ex contacts me regularly, even after all this time, he still says how sorry he is, that he still has feelings for me, and that he bitterly regrets his actions. I’m never quite sure if he regrets his behaviour, or maybe he’s just sorry he experienced the consequences, but I suppose I’ll never know.

He remarried two years ago (he didn’t marry the OW) which felt a bit weird – maybe you never quite get over a divorce, or maybe I’ll always hold something of a candle for him, or maybe it’s a combination of both those factors. Then last week I found out that his new wife is expecting a baby. This feels weird too. My ex and I never got to the ‘trying for a baby’ stage, this was something we would have considered a few years after the wedding if we’d stayed together. I haven’t had a child with my new husband, it never quite felt like the right thing to do, and I’m fine with this.

But each time I hear that my ex has moved on with his life, it still bothers me. There’s no way back for the two of us, so I’m not sure why I feel like this. Is it normal? I suppose people generally embark on second marriages because the first one has failed, but it would be so unfair to suggest my new husband is in anyway second best, simply because I met him after my first marriage ended.

Maybe the latest news has just prodded a wound that will never quite heal?

MyLocal Tue 10-May-16 09:25:12

I think it's normal.

Subconsciously, perhaps you are seeing the baby as confirmation that she is the one that got him to commit, to be how you had hoped he would be with you?

Mutal friends of ours, she left him, not for anyone else but because of differences. She was quite happy to stay amicable for ten long years as they had two children until he met someone else and married her. She then cut all ties and has been weird about him ever since.

ThursdayAlready2 Tue 10-May-16 10:25:00

I'm sitting here trying to analyse how I'm feeling - and I think it's because he wanted me back, I had the chance to reconcile, and maybe recreate the life we had pre-OW. However, it would have been such a long shot - he'd behaved so badly, destroyed all the trust, and only a fool would have gone back. And do leopards really change their spots? I suspect I'm suffering from "what if" syndrome today. Its very easy to forget all the trauma and remember the good bits.

It might have been easier if I'd never been given the chance to take him back, then the whole thing would have been out of my hands.

Queenoftheblues Tue 10-May-16 15:12:51

Op I think u hit the nail on the head. His continuing interest in you was a comfort to ur self esteem, it showed you there was nothing wrong with you 10 years ago. I hope you can come to terms with this. I recommend you go total NC. Ask friends not to give you updates.

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