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What to do?

(16 Posts)
Wouldliketobehappy11 Mon 09-May-16 16:09:35

I feel like I'm on the brink of a meltdown, I've never felt this low in my life and I've told dh we need time apart which he won't give me. He wants us to work on our marriage but I have tried so much and he hasn't. I think about past events and think why did I continue this like the second date we went on someone cut I front of him while driving and he went insane screaming and swearing I was mortified. Him accusing me of cheating because I was texting a friend when he was at the time messaging various women on Facebook. A family member of mine was dying in hospital, I turned down a night out with friends because he said we never see each other then he arranged to go out with a friend (who has made it clear he doesn't like me and I'm not welcome at his home) then was absolutely awful to me when I came back from the hospital. A few days after our wedding he told me he didn't love me and I found him viewing casual encounters sites, when I told him I found out he hit me across the face. He tells me he's too tired to have sex with me and secretly goes to the bathroom to watch porn or does it while I'm at work (and he has our small child) he also has a terrible habit of looking at other women then denies it and says I never let him do anything and feels trapped. I admit I'm not self confident but I used to be before I met him. He complained about staying in hospital because he got no sleep while I had our baby, I had to get an operation because I nearly died and he was worried about sleep? I don't know if I'm just having a bad day but I really don't understand how I'm the bad one here. I've never hurt him, never cheated, I never go out, I work full time so we can have nice things yet all I get is well nothing? I don't know why I'm posting, sorry, I just feel so down sad

isseywithcats Mon 09-May-16 16:13:53

omg you need to get your baby and get out of this relationship or he will control you till there is no you left ring womens aid now

HoppingForward Mon 09-May-16 16:14:05

I remember that feeling well sad

Honestly, break free. It's tough but you will feel so much better for it. He is accusing you because he thinks you will behave as he does. It's abuse.

Do you have DC together, how are your finances?

Feelingsad05 Mon 09-May-16 16:14:41

sorry that you are feeling so down . .but surely you just need to read your post back to realise that he is awful?

Wouldliketobehappy11 Mon 09-May-16 16:16:13

Yes we have 1 dc (baby) I have a dc too, we have a rented home and no shared bank account etc, I only work full time some weeks, I work part time a lot too so worry how we can afford it,, we have some debt too

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:16:54

You need to call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 today if at all possible. You are in an abusive relationship, no wonder you are feeling down because he has put you there.

It is of no surprise either that you were confident before you met him, he targeted you and bought you down with him to his base level. Such inadequate men like supposedly strong women to take down with them, they see women as a challenge. Also your H hates women, all of them.

Wouldliketobehappy11 Mon 09-May-16 16:19:07

I feel I can only give my side of the story, I feel he probably struggles because of my confidence issues, I'm constantly questioning the way I look etc and I used to look through his phone a lot. I know that isn't right but that was after I saw the messaging other women stuff etc I guess I just don't trust him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:19:41

I am wondering if he is also financially abusive as well.

You must make plans to leave this relationship, your children cannot grow up thinking that this is "normal" to them. He will stop at nothing to destroy you and in turn these children.

Wouldliketobehappy11 Mon 09-May-16 16:21:20

I don't think he's financially abusive, we both work a lot and he would never say no if I wanted something. I think he might hate women too!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:23:01

"I feel he probably struggles because of my confidence issues, I'm constantly questioning the way I look etc and I used to look through his phone a lot. I know that isn't right but that was after I saw the messaging other women stuff etc I guess I just don't trust him".

You were well and truly targeted by him and he has done a right number on you. He does not struggle at all. He actively enjoys abusing you because of the power and control that gives him over you.

You will never be happy so long as you stay with him. He will simply continue to abuse you and in turn your children as well.

No trust - no relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:24:06

I think he might hate women too!

There is no might about it, he does hate women and all of them. He certainly hates you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Where do you see yourself in say six months time, still with him?.

Wouldliketobehappy11 Mon 09-May-16 16:29:57

I feel like I'm just trying to get by day by day, if I can make it to bed time I'm happy to sleep. But no efforts are made by him. He chooses to remain friends with a man who can't stand me and I'm also worried what he's said to others. His family don't like me as they think I'm a cheat!!! If only they knew.... I don't see one of my best friends as she cut me out after he hit me, she couldn't get why I was still there, neither do I. I don't want to be the single mother with two children to two different dads, my ex (dc1 dad) is very difficult and I can imagine dh will be too

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:34:14

"I don't want to be the single mother with two children to two different dads, my ex (dc1 dad) is very difficult and I can imagine dh will be too"

He will likely make all aspects of separation from him as difficult as possible but you cannot afford to stay with him at all. Being a single mother to two children will be hard but better this than being with a man who abuses you daily.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, surely not this role model of one?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did you see at all similar from your own parents?. I would think at the very least you need to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for women in abusive relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 09-May-16 16:35:27

You probably have stayed for all sorts of reasons; namely fear of him, shame on your part (totally misplaced btw), embarrassment, lack of money. There are others as well.

Wouldliketobehappy11 Tue 10-May-16 07:39:30

You're right, I guess I'm just embarrassed what people will think. Also money because I don't know how I'd afford the home on my own! I'm just struggling daily, he doesn't show the same love he did for me, and sex is basically none exsistant. I just don't know how to move on from all this

Wouldliketobehappy11 Wed 11-May-16 20:30:19

Feel very down today, when we are at home together the tension is terrible I feel so miserable

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