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friends and family never invite us round

(33 Posts)
treeagate Sun 08-May-16 20:22:22

I met my husband at uni and moved 1 hours drive from my family to live with him near his family home and we have lived in the area now for 20 years. Both of my children go to out of catchment schools and I work about 30 minutes drive from home. My problem is that we seem to have few friends and never see any of them. Both my husband and I are easy going and well liked at work so I just don't know where we go wrong. I have a close friend but we go out about once every six months for a meal. We have tried inviting our friends over and had a big party when we were forty to which everyone came and had a fab time. That was 3 years ago and not one of them has ever invited us to anything else. I had a party for a few girlfriends last year and again everyone came and had a good time, but then the invite was never returned. I have even hooked up with old work mates but that lasted 1 evening and after then they always arranged a date when I couldn't attend.
My DH family never invite us over despite living close by and have even held birthday party's and not invited us! My mum is as we speak having a bbq with my brother and his family to which we were not invited.
I am starting to feel very low as everyone is out socialising except us - where am I going wrong?

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Sun 08-May-16 21:17:24

And now no-one is answering your thread smile

Have you tried things that are lower key than parties? Just a night out at the pub or cinema or a meal? If I get invited to a party I don't hold a reciprocal party until o have something party worthy iyswim?

findingmyfeet12 Sun 08-May-16 21:20:29

Are there any issues between you and your brother and his family? Is your mum trying to be diplomatic?

SharingMichelle Sun 08-May-16 21:22:50

Rather than invite people over and expect / hope to be invited back, why not organise something more neutral? Get a table together for a pub quiz night? Or a Sunday walk and pub lunch? Whatever your sort of thing is, but more of a "let's all do something together" idea.

treeagate Sun 08-May-16 21:24:05

No, no issues between us at all.

treeagate Sun 08-May-16 21:25:16

I like the idea of something more neutral. Will have a think .

LizKeen Sun 08-May-16 21:26:54

No answers for you, as we are the same. Lately it has been really bothering me.

I have a friend that I see once every 6 weeks or so, but always only us two out for a meal. We were bridesmaids for each other, have known each other for years, but she makes zero effort outside of the meals. Her and her H socialize a lot with other couples who have kids (they don't have DC yet) so it isn't that we have kids and they don't. I just don't get it. I try to organize stuff but it just never gets reciprocated.

Other friends I used to have have all fallen away. No one ever contacts me to see how I am. Its really depressing. I have spent years contacting these people and trying to keep up contact, but I have given up now. DH doesn't have many friends, but doesn't seem bothered.

We live walking distance from DH parents, and they never invite us round. And if we invite them here MIL sits apologising for putting us out the whole time. hmm Its really bizarre.

I am really bored of sitting in all the time and never socializing. Its really crap isn't it?!

treeagate Sun 08-May-16 21:37:22

Yes, I'm so fed up! I know it's childish but everyone seems to have had a brilliant time in the sunshine and I've done nothing. DH went to be at 9 last night and I sat up n my own with a bottle of red. Tonight the neighbours on both sides are having bbqs with friends and I'm sat in bed on my phone with ginger tea.

I just don't know what the answer is!

treeagate Sun 08-May-16 21:38:47

Your right it doesn't seem to bother my DH as much as it does me. But even he has noticed our lack of social life

Alohamora Sun 08-May-16 21:45:19

DH and I are the same. Lots and lots of acquaintances but no real friends. Our social life has improved recently because we both took up a hobby that brings us together with other adults and since then we have had several evenings just getting together with our new friends for take away, beers and a laugh. We're planning another and everyone is looking forward to it.

Is there anything the two of you could become involved in that will bring you into contact with new or more people?

treeagate Sun 08-May-16 21:52:04

I have tried a few hobbies - dining in a choir etc but never seem to make any friends . Even at kids activities and things the other mums seem clicky.
I do need to get out more!

TheBouquets Sun 08-May-16 22:06:37

There may be something that you are not noticing or do not wish to accept.

We have a person in the family who was always invited to dinners at various peoples' houses, various parties, adult and child parties. This person and family have received help from any one or other of us but they never contact us unless some assistance is required by them. Even emergencies have been covered by several of us including an elderly sick person going out several nights to assist.

The first noted problem was that texts and calls were not even acknowledged
The second problem was that no matter how much this side did we did not get equal visits (roughly, not counted) to the other side of their family. We don't know if our relative knows due to the lack of communication being returned but the OH has been bumming on about his family to the point of sickening us. Yet it is us who are expected to sort out all problems but never allowed to have them join us for meals, family parties. However they are constantly with the other side of the family.
Sadly, invitations are no longer being issued because we know we will just be ignored in favour of others. There is just this feeling of resentment that we are overlooked. The constant ignoring of our invitations hurts so much it is best now not to even try. Although a relative this was also my very best friend and confidant for a very long time. Probably does not see what is going on that caused the annoyance.
Perhaps you need to check that no-one is feeling left out or overlooked.

HeddaGarbled Sun 08-May-16 23:00:16

If your mum is doing things with your brother but never with you and if your H's family hold birthday parties to which you are the only ones not included, then there must be something odd going on.

Can you ask your mum why you weren't invited to the barbecue? Is there any chance she would be honest with you? What about your brother?

Are your children really badly behaved or something?

Do either of you ever see your families? How does that happen, who suggests it, what sort of occasions?

If people come to your parties, it can't be that they all dislike you, or they wouldn't come.

treeagate Mon 09-May-16 06:49:20

Heddagarbled my children are really well behaved ! They get lots of invites to parties and tea.

I think what annoys me is that DH does a lot for his family and runs over to help them at the drop of a hat, but when it comes to socialising they don't want to know.

treeagate Mon 09-May-16 06:51:24

I have asked my mum before about the bbqs and meals out and she says it was a spur of the moment thing - but it can't be every week, can it?

InanimateCarbonRod Mon 09-May-16 06:57:24

We are the same. My sisters are always staying in each others houses but we never get invited. We've been in our new house 2 years and the only ones who have visited us are our Mums.

CuntingDMjournos Mon 09-May-16 07:01:15

So your mum has regular meals out social events with your brother but never asks you to similar? Did you feel that she favoured your brother as a child? It's odd that it is happening also on your DH's side too though.

treeagate Mon 09-May-16 07:03:40

I have asked my mum before about the bbqs and meals out and she says it was a spur of the moment thing - but it can't be every week, can it?

HoggleHoggle Mon 09-May-16 07:03:57

Gosh all these stories are so hurtful.

With regards to your mum, when she said it was a 'spur of the moment' thing, what did you say? Do you invite her to your house regularly?

Has dh asked his family what the issue is when you're left out of parties?

We're in a slightly similar situation with pil in terms of it always being us making the effort.

The only advice I can give with friends is to just keep up with the hobbies and stay friendly. You'll get there in the end, so much of making friends as an adult is about luck I think - not all adults are 'open' to making more friends, and even when they are, the chemistry isn't always right.

treeagate Mon 09-May-16 07:07:31

I think on DH side it might be a jealousy thing as my DH put himself through uni and has a good job and we have a nice house. We do see his brother about once every couple of months for a meal and get on well.

My brother has always been favoured as he was sent to private school whilst I went to the local state school. But that doesn't effect our relationship as we get on really well.

I think I need an action plan to generate social occasions!

TutanKaDashian Mon 09-May-16 07:12:28

Billy no mates here too.

1 'friend' of 17 years recently stopped talking to me due to 2 posts I put on FB as they differed with the her political views. However, before that I had thought the friendship was waning as it was always me who called and, despite her living 10 mins away, I'd seen her twice in 4 months.

1 friend just doesn't answer FB messages or texts at all. She is bizarre though. I see her about twice a year but it's always when she 'summons' me. Like if she's got nothing better to do. If I co tact her. Nothing.

My other (probably most reliable friend) lives 100 miles away and I miss him. He's my old neighbour, in his 70s and like a dad to me but we're such good friends. We see each other about three times a year.

I'm friendly with the lady I sit next to at work but it never extends outside of work.

I am friends with another lady I met at work and we meet for lunch monthly.

I just long for a few more mates my own ages who I can chat to and go to the pub with. We'll be getting married in about 18 months and I've got barely anyone to invite sadIt's so hard to make friends as an adult.

Specky4eyes Mon 09-May-16 07:16:52

As much as it's harsh but you have to realise that these people don't want to socialise with you. If they did they would have asked and included you by now.

Come to terms with that and then you can move on to finding people who do appreciate you and want to see you.

My DH and I socialise separately. We have one couple that we see very infrequently for a meal. I do feel sad when I see people having big gatherings of friends (eg was at the park yesterday and there were huge groups of people enjoying each others company) as we don't have a social group. But....we do have friends that we see.

I think you need to find an interest and go from there. If you are on Facebook (I know I know!!) they often have groups on there. I have met friends through groups relating to DS1 disability.

Startingover2016 Mon 09-May-16 07:21:53

I find life goes through cycles. I had loads of couple friends and we used to socialise a lot together pre-children. Then when the dc were small we would have a lot of family get togethers or birthday celebrations. Now the dc are older I find we rarely see friends at all. People move on or couples split up and busy lives take over. Also some people just do not host parties or barbecues ever.

Your brother and mother getting together without you sounds odd and I would be offended if I were you but I'm sure it's not deliberate.

8FencingWire Mon 09-May-16 07:22:00

Try low key gatherings, OP. Like a cards night, a walk followed by coffee and cake etc.

Lilaclily Mon 09-May-16 07:26:14

I don't live near my family or Dh's so we've been forced really to make friends ds, create a social life
It took a while but after a couple of years at work people started to invite me out to things like birthday drinks , meals, pub socials
Once there if I saw a poster for a pub quiz, a flyer for a show etc I'd suggest it and soon we were doing something once a month

I met a friend through toddler group and she went to the WI so I we think there too

Going to the pub with colleagues isn't dh thing but his got a hobby he rejoined and made friends through that

There's loads of community things you can join to make friends, park runs, the church if that interests you, look in the paper

I think if you want to create an active social life you have to be proactive these days not sit at home waiting for invites

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