ExP and step children

[Froginapan]

Long story short:

Ex partner whom we have a child with has dropped all contact with my eldest child.

He has been his father for over four years over 3 of which we lived together as a family unit.

We've been separated for a while now after a domestic violence incident.

In amongst various usual The Abuser's Manual claims of me being an unfit mother, blah blah blah, he is pretending I don't exist (whatever) but he is also pretending eldest child doesn't exist.

Their relationship had been strained for some time and he was abusive towards eldest child (EA) but this is really really low.

I'm doing my best to bolster eldest's self esteem.

Any suggestions would be most appreciated as to how to handle this

[Dvallin]

God, let him walk away, and free your child from his influence.

Explain that the man behaved in an utterly unacceptable way, and that you have made the decision to shield the children from his behaviour.

[HeddaGarbled]

If he was abusive to the child, this is for the best. I don't think you could trust him to look after your child, could you? Don't fight this, just put your energy into reassuring your child that it is not because of anything that they have done wrong.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I would be so busy doing Bike rides, nt places, swimming on a weekend that if the ds ever asked about seeing him I'd say oh sorry darling I've already arranged for us to go here. Guarantee having a nice day out with you would be preferable to a day with dickhead.

[Froginapan]

I can only shield one of the two, unfortunately.

I'm concerned about the effect this could have on the relationship between the children, too.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

Id be making contact as difficult as possible for the other one as well.

My ex is a knob. His eldest ds used to be lovely and now is a mini version of him. I do nice things so my dd doesn't want to go to him that often. He isn't any good for my dd and while I don't block contact but I won't do eow ect and he's not interested in having her that often anymore now he's Finally realised I won't get back with him.

[BumblebeeBum]

I'm reading it that she has two children. The ex is the father of the youngest but not the eldest. He is still seeing the youngest ('blood' relation) but not the eldest when he acted like a father when married for 4 years.

So it seems the ex is involved (to some degree) with family life but is not seeing the eldest. So lots of little rejections when eldest sees youngest go to exs. Am I right OP?

[Froginapan]

He initially wanted contact, and made some piffling attempts at making things up with him (gifts and a couple of phone calls). After I said that he needed to take responsibility for his actions and act like the adult he stopped.

I'm more concerned with eldest's mental health and how to help him being let down again by someone and how to ensure the children have a continuing great relationship.

I've watched this happen to someone else who is now an adult and it really screwed them up - they are narcissistic, controlling and abusive now, as an adult.

[Froginapan]

Yes, bumble, you are right.

[BumblebeeBum]

How old are your kids?

[Froginapan]

Eldest is a teen, youngest is under 5

[Froginapan]

But eldest has SEN and is mentally more like a 7 year old

[Berthatydfil]

Tell him he's lucky not to be biologically linked to a tosser like that and be grateful he doesn't have to have anything further to do with him.

[Froginapan]

The household is so much nice without him about: no more shouting, no more shaming etc etc but the eldest has really retreated into himself - he won't even sleep on his bed because ExP built it and he doesn't think he deserves to sleep in it.

Get a new bed I'm sure would be the response but it's one of those high sleepers combined with wardrobe, desk, shelves etc and there isn't the room in his room to replace with separate furniture and I really and truly cannot afford the extra expense of buying a new one.

He says he's quite comfortable on the floor (ne's made a den) but the fact that he feels he doesn't deserve to sleep in it speaks volumes at the damage the ExP has done.

Eldest has been referred to DV counselling specialist.

I keep telling him how much he is loved, I'm gentle and patient with him, I don't try to force him to talk and let him know I am here to listen to anything he wants to say.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

Could the bed be sanded and painted?

If your ds helped you redo the bed and changed the room around it might change it back to his bed instead of exes bed.

I still think you should concentrate on making the weekends when his sibling isn't there an amazing weekend so he wouldn't want to go anyway. If it's turned where he doesn't want to go and not ex not wanting to take him that will help more then anything.

[Froginapan]

He doesn't want to go but he's having a hard time trying to understand why he became so pushed out once sibling was born.

I keep telling him it is not his fault but he doesn't believe me

[BrandNewAndImproved]

Aw ok.

What are you doing already to work on his confidence and self esteem? If you find a new skills for him to learn that's not to hard but not to difficult that will give him a boost. I would carry on with confidence and self esteem boosting, maybe some love bombing thrown in, and hopefully he'll move on from feeling pushed out.

[Froginapan]

I'm so upset and angry for him - which is probably what the ExP wants - but I can't help it.

I keep telling myself how despicably he's behaving and he's not worth the emotional energy but it is so bloody hard when your child is being used to get at you.

[MyNewBearTotoro]

This is so hard. My DP has been in my DD's life since she was a baby but is not her biological father and although DP and I have a great relationship and although I can't see us splitting up and although he always says DD is as much his child as DS and even if we split up he's still be her Dad this is one of the things which worries me somewhere in the back of my mind.

That said, it sounds like your ex wasn't a good father figure to your DS and that he isn't a good person to have in his life. Although it may be difficult for him to see your younger DC spending time with ex and initially may have some feelings of rejection I think long term it will be in his interests not to have contact. Does DS have contact with his own biological father? Or do you have a friend or relative who could occasionally spend time with DS when his sibling is with ex so that he still gets the feeling of having someone special in his life who enjoys spending time with him? Alternatively perhaps you can just make sure to have really quality 1:1 time with DS when your younger child is with ex and spend lots of time expressing how much you love and enjoy DS. It might be hard at first but if his relationship with ex was so damaging I think no contact will be the right decision.

I also agree with the idea of changing the bed as much as possible - painting it is a good idea, as is moving the room around as much as possible and getting all new bedding. That way at least it might feel new and different even if it is the same bed.

[Froginapan]

Well, we're off to the cinema this afternoon. He's still asleep right now - he's not sleeping well at all

[Froginapan]

I honestly don't know how I am going to get through this either.

I'm doing my best my my self-esteem and my heart are in complete shreds.

Sometime I wish I hadn't called the police.

I'm pathetic

[goddessofsmallthings]

Ex partner whom we have a child with has dropped all contact with my eldest child Hang out the bunting and rejoice that this despicable piece of shit can no longer harm your eldest dc again.

Sometime I wish I hadn't called the police The only thing you should be wishing is that you hadn't let this abusive twunt into your life and that you'd called the police earlier.

If you've put the mattress on the floor your ds may be quite happy/feel secure in his 'den', but I would suggest you act on the above advice given by others (above) to give the offending high sleeper a makeover with paint and new bedding - some ideas here: //www.google.co.uk/search?q=how+to+make+a+high+sleeper+bed+look+fun&client=firefox-b&biw=939&bih=427&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi95reh88rMAhWqCcAKHWn9CjIQ_AUIBigB

It's ok to feel 'pathetic' now and again, but don't let it become a habit otherwise you'll be opening youself up to the possibility of another abusive relationship with a man who's not fit to be a father.

Have you been in contact with a dv worker and, if so, has it been suggested that you enrol on the Freedom Programme? If not, find your nearest Women's Aid service here and find out when you can enrol as it will help you rebuild your self-esteem: //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

[Hissy]

Stop engaging with this vile man. Don't allow contact, make him fight for it.

Could you change the room around? Change curtains? Paint the bed? New duvet cover?

Your ex was (and is) a bad man. Bad to you, abused you, your children and will absolutely keep doing so to hurt you.

The best thing you ever did was call the police. You protected yourself and your children that day.

Now follow through and get an injunction to make him stay away from you.

[Froginapan]

He already has contact which I have to give for our youngest (it's already been ordered)

Liking the ideas for the bed.

I should have left when I first found out we were pregnant - the attitude from him was not a good one.

Of course, it's all my fault. I've ruined his life, allegedly.

Anyhoo, got a CAFCASS section 7 to look forward to and court for the 4th time in July. And then probably trying to find somewhere to rent because he wants us out of his house.

[Froginapan]

I've got DV workers and Family Support Worker visiting regularly and I'll be enrolling on the Freedom a Programme.

Onwards and upwards