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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He left me

57 replies

NFmama · 08/05/2016 08:12

I'm well prepared to get flamed here but I'm sensitive and upset so please don't be too harsh :(

I've been seeing a guy who is actually an old friend for about a year now, it's long distance and was supposed to be until he moved up this summer. We happened to be talking about drugs and he said all people who take drugs are scum. Just because I like a conversation, I asked if he meant all drugs, and he said yes. I mentioned that I'd smoked weed in the past and he said, 'but you haven't smoked it since you met me.'

I admitted that at the very beginning of the year, when the kids were staying out, I'd had one spliff just because I'd been feeling very low. He went mental, he says our whole relationship is a lie. He says the woman he fell in love with is strong and selfless and with this admission I've proved I'm neither.

He says the trust is gone, he'll never love me again. I'm completely stunned. It wasn't my finest hour but it was once and I'd never do it again, especially as I know how much it upsets him. Also if I'd known he was this strongly opposed I never would have done it. Anyway, he says he can no longer trust or respect me and that I'm not a good mother. He also said I've proved I'm a weak person.

I didn't think one spliff was the crime of the century, and I would never endanger my children. I don't smoke, I don't even drink when they're in the house incase I need to drive them somewhere in an emergency. I'm not sure what I want anyone to say, I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Report

Coconutty · 08/05/2016 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 08/05/2016 08:18

Perhaps he has a family/friend history that he hasn't shared, but that's one massive over reaction. The fact that according to him one spliff makes you all of those things, without so much as a discussion, makes me think you've had a lucky escape. It's hard to see it now, but accept that this is for the best.

Startingover2016 · 08/05/2016 08:19

What a ridiculous reaction. Forget it/him.

ravenmum · 08/05/2016 08:19

Wow, good thing you found out what an arse he was before he moved.

NFmama · 08/05/2016 08:21

Extra, we've been friends for about 5 years and know each other inside out, so I'm fairly confident there is no backstory to his opinion. I asked him why it angered him so much and he just said it was illegal and immoral and proved a weakness in me.

I am trying to see that if he could walk away so easily after talking about the kids he wanted with me not 15 minutes earlier then I probably am better off. It still hurts though :(

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 08/05/2016 08:24

I'm really sorry Mama that must have come as a real shock to you.

For now I would just let him have some space,he may change his mind.

I have to say though I couldn't ever be with anyone that took drugs of any kind.
I've seen the damage that followed for friends of mine when they started "just smoking weed"when we were still at school they were only 13.I tried to talk them out of it,but nothing I said worked,I stayed friends with them all and I'd be the one that kept an eye on them all to make sure they were all okay but every single one of them went onto much stronger drugs,acid,mushrooms anything they could get they're hands onto,one of my old school friends ended up being on methadone and nearly lost her DC,another one has been in and out of rehab,she's lost lots of her teeth and life has been so hard for her thanks to ending up on heroine.
A nephew of mine did the same and ended up on heroine,a stint in prison and lots of help love and support from his Dad,my big brother,me and my DH and he's got out the other side and is doing really well now and were all so relieved we did think we'd lose him to the drugs at one stage,he was so near death.

It could be that the guy you were seeing as gone through the same as me with close friends or a family member.

I was never someone that was ever going to do drugs but having been there,having seen the damage that's been caused by my friends and nephew trying weed I can understand why someone else would feel so strongly about it.

Hopefullyoneday1 · 08/05/2016 08:29

I would be hurt too. Your friend of five years turns out to be a complete knob and drama queen and he wasn't the person you thought he was.

I suspect he uses the 'we've been friends' as a reason to be controlling and over dramatic. Good friends don't react like that, I would walk away from the friendship and relationship.

ravenmum · 08/05/2016 08:30

Fine if he does not like drugs. But then surely he should be concerned for the woman he supposedly loves, rather than calling her weak and a bad mother, and saying he doesn't respect her.

MairzyDoats · 08/05/2016 08:35

Wow, that's one massive overreaction! Does he have such strongly held views on many other subjects? I'd be inclined to think you've had a lucky escape tbh... And if you've known him for 5 years how come it's never come up before?!

mummytime · 08/05/2016 08:39

I'm really anti drugs.
But I find his reaction really worrying. The bit about falling for a strong woman, but now your weak. That makes me feel he has a fixed idea of who you should be. That is a huge red flag.

I think you've had a lucky escape and don't let him back.

NFmama · 08/05/2016 08:40

Mairzy, I knew he was against drugs in the sense that he would never take them. On a night out a mutual friend took cocaine and he was furious about that but so was I, because she was pregnant at the time so I could get that completely.

To me it's not always black and white, we had another mutual friend and she was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and she told us some horrendous stories about her addiction and how she'd but substances before her child. But then we knew her and knew what a beautiful mother and woman she was. We knew that she wasn't her addiction. He never criticised her or cut her out of his life so I didn't think he felt so strongly.

OP posts:

after8s · 08/05/2016 08:41

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

NFmama · 08/05/2016 08:44

This isn't the first sign I've had that he's not the one. He made an incredibly cruel joke about me a couple of weeks ago and then turned it into my fault for being offended so I probably have had a lucky escape. I'm just so shocked and hurt, this literally took place over about 15 minutes. He's since text me and told me he's annoyed he wasted his money coming to see me.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 08/05/2016 08:46

Yep, a deal breaker for me too and very black and white. I've seen what it's done to friends, one now dead and one in prison, who started on weed.

JeanSeberg · 08/05/2016 08:49

Block the sanctimonious tosser.

notonthebandwagon · 08/05/2016 08:51

Wow.

You have had a lucky escape - stay away from this man.

Cabrinha · 08/05/2016 08:52

He's an arsehole.

I'd be OK about him if he said "I hadn't realised you used drugs, I'm sorry but that's a dealbreaker for me and I'm going to end this now" - but shouting at you and the criticisms - no.

My boyfriend and I have never discussed drug taking but I'd feel gutted if I found out now that he did. I think we both assume the other doesn't, wouldn't occur to us to ask (non smokers, quite 'clean living' generally) I actually think I would feel lied to, even though I appreciate he's never denied it. It's a big enough thing to me that I'd expect him to mention it.

Honestly though... you say it was only once and you'd never do it again. But - you had access to it when you wanted it a few months ago, and I wouldn't believe you about it being a one off. Why would it be? Why would you want it then, but never again? I would assume you would want it in future sometime, and take it.

He was wrong to criticise you, but I see why he ended it.

cocochanel21 · 08/05/2016 08:53

I hate drugs with a passion.

My DD died last year as a result of her drug addiction.

Your DP sounds like a controlling arse

I think you've had a lucky escape.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/05/2016 08:54

Gosh...his reaction was something.

I thought he might apologise and explain his over- reaction but that text is even worse. Sorry op but think you dodged a bullet

aLeafFalls · 08/05/2016 08:58

Deal breaker or not, the stuff about you not being a strong woman, blah, blah, blah was unnecessary and shows him to be a tosser. Who the fuck does he think he is?

He could have said "Sorry, that's a deal breaker for me". Fine, that's up to him and tbh I might feel the same. But all these accusations are showing him to be a very unpleasant man. And that would be a deal breaker for me too.

Block him so he can't harass you, as it looks like he might. And you taking his incredibly cruel "joke" the "wrong way" - another red flag there. I'd be glad I'd seen this side of him now, rather than later when you had kids together.

NFmama · 08/05/2016 09:01

coco, I'm really very sorry for your loss. I understand why you would hate drugs with a passion. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2016 19:31

Definitely sounds like you've dodged a bullet there, OP.

Does he drink?

TendonQueen · 08/05/2016 19:38

I don't like drugs either, but also agree that he is being a controlling dick. You do realise that your reaction was supposed to be to apologise repeatedly and say you'll never do anything he doesn't like again? It's as well to be out of this, painful as it is. Either text back nothing at all (best option) or 'Yes, I regret wasting my time on you too'.

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove · 08/05/2016 19:39

Wow. I don't do drugs and wouldn't date someone who used.

But I wouldn't dump someone who had smoked a bit of weed in the past, and certainly not because some people take it further and die of heroin overdoses any more than I'd dump someone who drank a glass of wine on a Sunday night because I once knew someone who became an alcoholic and died (I did know an an aalcoholic who died).

TendonQueen · 08/05/2016 19:39

And notice the irony that in making a different choice to him, you're 'weak'. So a strong woman would do everything the same way he does, coincidentally

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