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husband has lied about porn - worth him getting help?

(60 Posts)
ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:01:41

My DH used porn before we got together 13 years ago. I didn't have a problem with it, but told him I did have a problem with lies and secrecy surrounding it, as I find that hard to handle.

Since then, on more than on occasion, husband has used porn (more like the freebie soft porn girlie channels). Fine. But he has lied about it and denied it when I have evidence e.g. Channel on tv being left on.

Due to the lies, we sought counselling 10 years ago to look at the reasons why. Never did get to the bottom of it bar shame and embarrassment.

10 years later, its still happening. Its killing my trust for him, and DH is bereft. He doesn't know why he still lies, and is gutted because its getting to the point that I'm considering asking him to leave. DH says he wants to get counselling again.

Help and advice needed please.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 03-May-16 22:06:54

Is he a compulsive liar, or does he habitually lie about this issue only?

I think compulsive liars must be extremely difficult to live with but my understanding is that with a lot of constant effort, they can try better.

If he's just lying about this, and he doesn't lie about anything else, I'm afraid I'd have less sympathy. He's probably genuinely sad that your marriage is getting near to breaking point. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to make him stop lying, or stop watching porn so that he has nothing to lie about. They are essentially crocodile tears.

If he was spending all the money every month and lying about it, then crying about it and doing exactly the same thing the next month, how would you approach this?

Slowdecrease Tue 03-May-16 22:11:38

You say you're ok with him watching porn.

You say he lies when you confront him with evidence that he is watching porn but that begs the question, if you're ok with it, why the confrontation of asking him about it? Would you realistically be ok with your DH saying "won't be long dear, just off for a wank to some porn, stick the kettle on would you?" or similar?

Are you really ok with it or not? If you're not then it's a deal breaker for you and you need to act on your morals - what you can't do is force your morals on him then complain and send him for counselling if he doesn't comply. If you are ok then let him get on with it without the interrogation?

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:14:40

I'd kick his sorry arse out, Abreath.

On the one hand it pisses me off because its lying and I hate that so much. On the other hand, I know that its not a massive thing he's lying about and lots of blokes do it because they're embarrassed.

Its the only thing he lies about and he's an otherwise fantastic DH and DD.

Lostandfoundat21 Tue 03-May-16 22:15:38

Wake up call, all men do or at some point in their life. I can't believe you made him go to counselling over it. Poor guy. That's why he has lied since. I just can't believe the levels of control I read on here from wife's.

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:18:08

Slow - I am ok with him watching it. The only times I ever asked about it are when he's forgotten to turn the tv back to another channel, or I've come home early and found him. Its more of a funny situation and I've laughed, but then he's denied it. And I've known he's lying. That's what bothers me.

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:20:45

If he'd just said, yep, I was knocking one out, I wouldn't have cared less. Its the lying not the porn IYSWIM.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:21:11

I am a massive porn hater but I don't get this. What does this "I am ok with porn but only if you tell me what you are doing" actually look like in practice ?

"I am ok with porn, but...."

If I had a quid for every time I saw that phrase I would be a very rich woman.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Tue 03-May-16 22:23:48

I'm 41 now. I don't like porn. I don't like lying, deception and secrecy. I dislike them for different reasons. I could tolerate some porn use. I couldn't tolerate lying.

I can't be bothered with dealing with weak liars anymore. I'd end it.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Tue 03-May-16 22:27:09

Clarify: I could tolerate some previous porn use, like when they were single. I wouldn't tolerate it in a relationship.

And I have the right to not tolerate it; whatever other people's boundaries are.

It would be a deal breaker for me if I found they were using it and had told me they weren't. I don't want to be in a relationship with a weak liar.

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:28:02

AF - it looks like, if I've gone to bed early the get up for a drink, go into the lounge and he's just turning the telly off frantically and doing his flies up, if I say "whoops, sorry love, didn't realise you were doing anything" that he doesn't then treat me as stupid by denying it until the cows come home.

I would love to be told I'm being completely daft about it, because I love him so much, and its the only thing that's truly bothering me.

Mishaps Tue 03-May-16 22:30:04

I do not like porn and would not like my OH to be watching it; simply because it exploits women. How is it that you are "happy" about this. I do not think you are: counselling, wanting to know exactly what he is watching etc. all indicate that in your heart you are not happy with it. Tell him so.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:30:45

Well, that sounds just bloody stupid.

On his part. I have never "caught" my H tugging one off to Babestation or the like like some lolling teenager and I would think he had taken leave of his senses if I did.

Mind you, I don't tolerate porn in my relationship.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:32:04

OP, are you sure you are not just trying to be "cool" about it ?

It's absolutely ok to have zero tolerance of the sex industry. It is massively exploitative.

cbigs Tue 03-May-16 22:34:12

If this is all he lies about id probably let it go if the porn didn't bother me. I'd agree with pp that he's probably embarrassed and knows he got dragged to counselling last time so sort of fluffs the explanations. If he's a great oh and dad and you other wise love him to bits it seems a bit mad to split up over it. Do we need to know every detail of each other's lives? Be great if he could be honest but is it a biggy? confused

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:34:28

Still awake - that's kind of how I'm feeling. I think he's being weak for lying, and by making it something to hide, I feel like he's treating me like his mum.

Misshaps - I think it depends. Some channels like Babestation are pretty soft, and its not girls doing sexual.stuff with others.

Proper hard core porn, as opposed to Playboy stuff, he doesn't think is right because if risk of people trafficking etc.

Marilynsbigsister Tue 03-May-16 22:34:47

God I feel sorry for him ! Is he really allowed no privacy or private time without the interrogation. Sometimes you just need to shut up. He knows he's watching it, you know he's watching it. You SAY you don't mind him watching it ? Then perhaps he just doesn't want to discuss it. We are all allowed a little privacy in our lives even if we are married.

If you were vehemently anti porn and he had agreed not to use it, then you would have a point. By questioning him on something that is essentially private you are asking him to discuss something he doesn't want to 'share' with you.

Time to make a decision. Either it's something you don't like, in which case tell him. He can agree to stop or refuse. You can then make your own decisions about what you do but to drag this poor man to counselling because he doesn't want to say ' yes dear, I was just watching some porn and having a wank' ... Jeez. Give him some space.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:36:50

he is a massive hypocrite then

"Soft" porn is still part of the sex industry. It fuels all ends of the wedge, including hard core.

As do the consumers of it, which is what your husband is

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:39:15

Anyfucker - I really am sure. I was bemused when he wanted to get rid of all his playboys etc when we got together. He didn't have to. I was really not fussed. I've read erotica from time to time. Honestly not trying to be cool, just don't have an issue with soft-core boobs and bottoms shots.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 03-May-16 22:39:26

I think you've got your answer. He's lying. You wouldn't put up with that about anything else. Don't over this.

Life is embarrassing at times. If he lost his job, he'd probably be embarrassed. You'd hope he wouldn't lie to you about it.

He's insulting your intelligence and it's blatently disrespectful. He's choosing to lie about this. If he actually believed that it's just porn that made him lie, he'd stop watching porn so that he didn't lie and he didn't tear your relationship apart. Instead, he knocks one out, lies to you, then cries that you caught him.

He has many choices. Stop lying, stop watching porn to stop him lying, block the porn, get help with his need to watch pork if he himself has such a moral objection to it that he can't admit he does it.

You have two. Put up with him being a lying creep or tell him if he does it again, he goes. Hopefully he'll value you enough to stop lying but at least you'll know where you stand if he doesn't. And I wouldn't hold my breath to my honest.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:42:38

if you have no problem with it, then why does he need to seek "help" and why are you so disapproving he needs to lie about his porn use ?

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:44:13

AF - I didn't know that, fairly sure he doesn't either. What do you mean about it fuelling the hard core? I thought different companies made different stuff? So for example Playboy wouldn't be involved in trafficking. Is that not the case?

neonrainbow Tue 03-May-16 22:47:17

Why are you so adamant he can't have privacy where this is concerned?

ChiefChocolateTester Tue 03-May-16 22:50:23

He wanted to get help to.understand why he lies about it, because he knows I don't care if he watches it, but knows that the lies really upset me.

So he cant work out why he lies, but thinks its because he comes from a super religious background and all talk of masturbation or sex was dirty. Masturbation within marriage especially so. I've told him its a normal part of human sexuality and theres nothing wrong with masturbating in marriage, but he views it as wrong still. So he doesn't know why he lies about something I think is fine.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 22:53:35

PlayBoy as a reputable company ? Like Marks and Spencer's for the tits instead of the naice ham ?

Really ? You've never thought any more deeply than that ? Look here

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