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Long distance relationships - can they be sustained until one person can relocate?

(13 Posts)
TheClosingChapter Tue 03-May-16 21:40:51

I had a thread a while ago here about an old school friend who contacted me out of nowhere after an almost 40 year absence.

Well, things moved on, we met, it was lovely. grin. He was lovely. We had 3 meet ups, lots of talking and a bit of a snog (on the Embankment by the Thames! Ha! Haven't done that for years) and if he lived closer I would be in there in an instant.

But now he's back across the other side of the world and I am here. Neither of us can move atm due to family commitments. TBH I don't want to move back there, I love the UK and where I live. He's not adverse to relocating and has a UK passport so could do so but would mean removing him from his children although they would all be adults by the time he does.

We email frequently and Skype every week to 10 days. I am travelling out early in 2017 to see family and so will see him then but I can't see how it can be sustained and 8/9 months is like a lifetime.

Would you keep going or should I stop contact and save us both some pain and frustration? Or I should I continue and see what happens? TBH I wasn't actively seeking a relationship when this all sprang up.

FlyingScotsman Tue 03-May-16 21:46:37

I did manage a LD relationship BUT it was nowhere as far as you so we could see each other once a month.
I moved where DH lived in less than a year (different countries)

carelesswhisper27 Tue 03-May-16 22:07:07

I was (semi) long distance with DP for two years before I took the plunge and moved to move in with him. I think part of it depends on the type of person you are, how you view relationships (do you need lots of physical affection to feel loved, are you ok having lots of your own space etc).

Secondly you both have to be really committed to the relationship and each other, otherwise it will flounder. We managed to see each other one night a week most weeks - we both made the effort, both looked forward to it every week and made sure we had a good time. Plus we spoke on the phone every day.

It wasn't something I could have done for much longer and was reaching my limit with it when we settled on moving in together. I think for me personally the distance you are describing would be too much - but different strokes for different folks smile

NewLife4Me Tue 03-May-16 22:14:55

I didn't see mine for 18 months, we spoke on the phone and hated being away from one another.

No internet, just landline communication.
We are in our late forties now and have been married for 23 years.

Yes, it can survive if you both want it too.

Best of luck. thanks

TheClosingChapter Tue 03-May-16 22:17:53

Thanks for replies. I'm glad it worked out for you both.

My head says no, won't work, distance too far, not enough time spent together in a physical sense (although lots of time spent on Skype so talking almost face to face, but yeah is different to real life), yadayadayada, but heart says give it a go, you never know...

carelesswhisper27 Tue 03-May-16 23:11:01

You never know. One of my close friends sister met her then boyfriend now husband and within a few weeks was moving to Japan for work. They kept in touch via Skype mainly for the year or so she was away and are now married with dcs. Give it a go - what's to lose? I think people tend to regret the things they didn't do more than they did - and I'm a sucker for love! smile

GinnyHendricks Tue 03-May-16 23:30:32

Me and DH have done a lot of long distance / no contact as I did an assignment in Asia for 12 months and he's in the military and when he's away, he can't contact home at all for about 3 months. We've never really been in the same place as each other for more than a few months at most. We've varied between weekly contact, monthly contact, and every 3 months. Longest was 4.5 months.

It's possible, tough but worth it if you're madly in love, the dramatic reunions are incredible, but the inevitable goodbyes are always sad.

The other downside is I found some emails from a couple of fights we had and they were awful, because of the time difference it went on for days and i spent all day riled and upset and wanting to just go home. But then, visit day comes and everything is forgotten!

You've got nothing to lose, take it a month at a time, Skype and email and whatsapp like mad, and see what happens! Better to have loved and lost and all that hah

TheSockGoblin Tue 03-May-16 23:39:24

I think it can work but I also think it's a big ask for someone to move away from the country their children live in. You say they will be adults by the time he moves which suggests they are in their teens still? I dunno but I still could have done with my dad around when I was just turned 18 you know?

How close and involved is he with them? What do they think of this idea? Do you think you / he could be ok emotionally with him moving to a different country to his kids? Would they be ok?

Those are the things that would be going through my head. For me the distance itself is something that can be overcome but the added factor of his children is something i think could be a lot harder to deal with.

TheClosingChapter Wed 04-May-16 09:53:17

It is nice to see that things can work out.

You're right SockGoblin it is a big ask. I didn't suggest it btw, he has been thinking about moving to UK for some time as his career can't really progress any further where he is atm. But he is an involved parent, has the children 50:50 with ex-partner. They're 15, 17 and 19 and similar ages to my two. I'm not sure I could leave my children and move 12,000 miles away. And I'm not sure he could either.

It probably won't happen anyway. One day one of us will wake up to reality and be sensible then it will all be over. So maybe I should just enjoy the moment and see what happens.

HarleyQuinneee Wed 04-May-16 10:00:36

My partner lives in Canada. We're waiting it out till we can live together. It's hard but doable. We're lucky in that we see each other every 2-3 months and considering the distance/expenses that's pretty good.

We Skype a lot. We talk on chat all day.

I do miss the contact but it's only temporary and it's worth it.

TheSockGoblin Wed 04-May-16 10:34:52

TheClosingChapter - oh I didn't mean to imply you had suggested it (sorry was just using a random turn of phrase). Yea ouch 12,000 miles is a long long way which would make both regular physical visiting and skype and so on a challange for all involved.

My feelings personally would be that it would take quite a few more years as you both have children who seem to be too young. But maybe in the future? I have had LDR's of a really big distance before btw and it is really painful as well as intense to only get that partial time together.

Maybe for a while could you guys see it as some kind of lovely holiday romance sort of thing? Spend holidays with each other and speak semi-regularly? Maybe that will be enough for the time being?

It is hard though, especially when you have such a lovely connection. i feel for you.

dustybrother Wed 04-May-16 11:19:14

My wife and I managed a long distance relationship (London and Germany) for about two years before we'd both had enough and my wife moved to London. But thanks to low-cost airlines we were able to see each other every 3 weeks or so which was fine plus lots of chatting on the phone and texting. I think at some point (we certainly did) where, whilst it is exciting to see other every few weeks so that you can do all of the mundane stuff in the intervening period, eventually you want to have a bit more stability and to do the mundane stuff together as well.

1stsignofspring2016 Wed 04-May-16 21:01:40

I believe it can work

However, I would want a firm date agreed for one of you to relocate
If this does not occur (for whatever excuse) then it is time to move on
So if you agree 3 years stick to the deadline

If you want to be with someone you will move heaven and earth to do just that

12,000 miles is a long way from children, but people do it

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