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My husband won't communicate and his temper flares up so easily

(37 Posts)
pollyporton Tue 03-May-16 20:13:19

I feel I am constantly treading on eggshells in an effort not to upset my husband. He often criticises me but can't take the slightest criticism himself. Today I had enough after he stormed out over something completely and utterly trivial (it was about something we had for lunch). Then when I called him to say we needed to talk, he refused to speak. As he wouldn't speak, I told him it was over in a text and he said I should leave tomorrow.

I feel bad in a way as we do get on really well a lot of the time and our physical relationship is really good. We also share a lot of friends.

Do you think his behaviour is a good enough reason to split up after 8 years? We have children from previous relationships, all of whom are now adult and living away from home.

CocktailQueen Tue 03-May-16 20:16:57

If you're not happy then of course it's a good enough reason to leave! You don't need to justify it to anyone.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 20:59:47

What were you hoping to achieve by treading on eggshells for 8 years - an early death?

Now you've told him it's over be sure to keep your word because he'll be 10 times worse punish you for having the temerity to call the shots.

princessmi12 Tue 03-May-16 21:09:31

Oh just have few days apart . he'll calm down and so will you . Some people are just extra sensitive . If you love him you will try not to criticise him, if you fed up then leave him

startrek90 Tue 03-May-16 21:46:03

Really princess? The op has had enough of walking on eggshells and being torn apart and your advice is to be a doormat?

Op if you have had enough then that's it. Incidentally why do you have to leave? What is the situation with the house? Are you married?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 22:12:27

^ If you love him you will try not to criticise him^

"Criticise" this "extra sensitive" soul? Did you read the OP, princess? The h in question is a verbally abusive insensitive knob who, in his tiny mind, can do no wrong. A "few days apart" isn't going to change him and I very much doubt that continuing to put up with his shit attitude will be conducive to polly's long term health and wellbeing.

You're best advised to divorce him, polly, and it could be that after the shock of having to part with minimum 50% of assets accumulated over the past 8 years plus what remains of his pension pot after his 1st dw got her fair share subsides, you can entertain him as a lover thus guaranteeing that if he's not on his best behaviour you'll be able to tell him to fuck off at a moment's notice. . smile

CommonBurdock Wed 04-May-16 11:04:42

How is he old enough to have grown up kids? Sounds about 12.

My ex was/is like this. Ex.

princessmi12 Wed 04-May-16 22:09:17

And what's your solution GODDESS?
DIVORCE!How original.i bet you advise it to every woman seeking opinion here
Have couple of friends that forever single due to very high expectations and unwillingness to compromise.
OP Just might as well not to bother ask for opinion because you will be told here to divorce in any case no matter how small or big your relationship issues are

ScoutandAtticus Wed 04-May-16 23:04:55

I empathise. My husband is currently stropping about because I apparently break everything. The everything being a curtain rail that he claims I broke and an iPod. I have shown him the curtain rail is fine but he claims I am lying and must have spent houses fixing it. The iPod went though the wash, partly because I didn't check pockets but mostly because my 10 year old left it in her jeans. All I have had is " how can you do that to your daughter?". Wtf. It's a simple mistake. I have agreed to go halves with DD on the basis we are both responsible. It's the way he escalated a petty point and uses it to be an arse that really pisses me off. I went downstairs to ask what's wrong and he turned off all the lights and TV and closed me in the room. I went out to ask what the hell he was doing and he was hid behind the door in the dark. Presumably hoping I would go upstairs. O found him and pointed out what a loon he looked like and to behave like a bloody adult. He is absolutely impossible when in this mood. It is utterly unpleasant. And to be honest I can't be bothered with it. Sorry to hijack. Was going to start a thread but saw yours. Just need to vent. I guess it comes down to what you are prepared to take. We have other problems so I suppose it's a case of which straw breaks the camel's back. Only you know if what your husband does is that straw. None of us are perfect, but it's how much we can live with those imperfections that count.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 05-May-16 00:37:32

What do you mean by a good enough reason to split up with someone?

Are you expecting someone to sue you?

The only reason you need is "I don't want this any more."

corythatwas Thu 05-May-16 09:26:18

Princess, if the OP treading on eggshells is the test required to show that she loves him- what kind of test do we apply to her dh?

or does he get to behave in any way he likes because he is the man?

I have been happily together with the same man for over 30 years. That is not because we do not have imperfections. It's because there is give and take: it's not the same person expected to bend over backwards all the time.

if my only choice was a marriage where I had to tread on eggshells, then I seriously can't see what is so bad about being single

only the OP can know if this is actually her reality, if she is trapped in a situation where she constantly has to make allowances and her husband makes none

but it is worth thinking about

some women get worn out by taking responsibility for everybody's emotional wellbeing except their own

KittyKrap Thu 05-May-16 09:31:52

Princess, after living with someone who was moody, sulky, angry etc your advice is shite. I walked on eggshells for years, have you any idea what it does for your own mental health to never know what the next day will bring - although 99% of the time it was the same.

He is my XH now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-May-16 09:46:23

polly

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You are still together because...

Walking on eggshells is to my mind just another way of writing living in fear. This is no life for you and your adult children are likely all too aware of just how bad things are for you also. They probably wonder why you and he are still together at all?.

You contradict yourself by saying on one hand that you get on well most of the time (I would argue that you are modifying your own behaviours to suit him so he is pleased with you) and then stating that he often criticises you. The two simply do not fit together. I presume also that his first wife left him for very similar reasons; such men really do not change.

If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 10:01:42

Princess
couple of friends that forever single due to very high expectations and unwillingness to compromise
And the problem with that is what exactly..????
ALL women should have high expectations then these twatish men would have to change in order to have relationships.
If we all had high expectations and stuck to them we'd all be far far happier!
There is NOTHING wrong with being single!
Womens do NOT need a man to 'complete' them.
Many women are more than happy to be single rather than live a shitty half life of trying to keep and please 'her man'
Fuck that!

Anyway OP. It sounds crap and it is crap.
And you don't have to live like this for the rest of your life.
You can get away and be far happier instead of treading on eggshells for the rest of your life.
Moderating your behaviour so as not to upset him or have him 'kick off'.
Although Princess will think you should do that, no-one else on here does.
Time to take control of your own life and live it without a twat controlling it!

misscph1973 Thu 05-May-16 10:13:38

I am so fed up with every thread in Relationships being answered with LTB.

OP, is your DH always like this or is it only recently?

If you text him "it's over", then you should be prepared to act on it. It's too easy to say hurtful things in anger. I'm not saying you're not justified, just that words actually bear meaning.

Maybe some time apart would be a good idea for both of you, some time to think? it's often easier to discuss problems when you have some distance.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Thu 05-May-16 10:20:43

Op' H often behaves like an arsehole towards her. They don't have small kids. I'd love to see a good reason not to ltb.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 10:36:18

Read the thread title.
Those 2 things alone are good enough reason to LTB.
Why would you stay, walking on eggshells?
For the remainder of your life??

People tend to post when they get to the final 'straw that broke the camels back'.
So I have no doubt he's been like this for years.
Why, as women, are we expected to put up with it?
That's the question!!
NOT, why is everything LTB? (poor poor bloke)
Everything is LTB because they SHOULD LTB!!!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 10:41:41

The opening sentence alone is reason to LTB!!!
Do people not read things properly?
I'm intrigued to know under what circumstances a woman should live with this?
I feel I am constantly treading on eggshells in an effort not to upset my husband. He often criticises me but can't take the slightest criticism himself

So it's constant - as outlined in the OP
So he flies off the handle - as outlined in the title
So he puts the OP down and criticises her all the time - as outlined in the OP

And she should stay..... WHY??????? FFS.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 10:45:30

Oh - and he stonewalls her as well - yet another form of abuse!

Offred Thu 05-May-16 10:58:10

Well yes, this is a forum called 'relationships'. People post in it about relationships problems. The advice will often be LTB or go NC because a good relationship that is worth keeping is more often than not not something someone posts on here for help with.

No-one leaves a relationship because someone on MN suggested it is what would help them.

Plenty of people have realised that they aren't forced to put up with crap for the sake of not getting divorced, realised that 'for the children' is a spurious reason to stay with someone who treats them badly, realised when they write it down just how bad it is.

Stigma about divorce has kept people in awful relationships, I am glad we are moving away from that (slowly).

A relationship is something you should only be in if you want to and a marriage is a legal agreement to share property. You can leave either if it doesn't suit you anymore. You don't need a reason that passes imaginary divorce thresholds for other people, it is your own life.

OP it sounds awful and I think leaving is the right thing. If he has grown up children he is not likely to be capable of changing how he communicates now.

misscph1973 Thu 05-May-16 11:36:01

I think people post in relationships because they need advice. LTB is not advice, it's something people cry out online hiding behind their user name. I very much doubt that many posters would give their IRL friends the same blunt "advice".

Any post about relationship problems only shows one persons side of it. It's too easy to advice to LTB from less than 500 words written in a moment when the OP was presumably upset.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-May-16 12:08:30

LTB is advice.
The same as Don't LTB would be advice.
And you are right, people do post when they've put with so much it's got to the point where they don't know which way is up and asking for advice from strangers is something that might help them.
Doesn't take much to conclude that in many cases LTB is the best advice!

misscph1973 Thu 05-May-16 13:03:55

It's a pretty big deal to LTB! LTB is NOT always the best advice, but it's the advice that is most often given. So it just doesn't come across as justified, it's become a cliché.

Better advice would be to have a good talk to a good IRL friend, get some counselling and get TB to go for couple's counselling. I am not saying that staying is together always preferable, but LTB should be the last resort. There are too many single mums and absent dads in this country.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-May-16 13:18:04

Friends and family can be over invested themselves in the relationship so a totally impartial point of view from posters can be invaluable to a poster.

I doubt very much that any poster actually does leave on the basis of a single or even multiple thread postings just because MN posters have advised leaving. The decision to finally leave is made only by the poster and more often than not over a long period of time, years even, and much thought.

Do you really think that OPs husband would ever go to any counselling session, I doubt it very much. He would probably argue that he is not doing anything wrong, knows just as much if not more than the counsellor does and does not want to talk to some woman anyway.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship. No counsellor worth their salt would ever see OP and her H together in the same room in any case. Such men like the OPs H would not be likely to attend sessions anyway and even if he did he is more than able to manipulate the counsellor to side with him.

misscph1973 Thu 05-May-16 14:09:42

I agree that friends and family can be biased, but at least they are real. Personally I rarely discuss any relationship issues with my friends/family for that very reason. But at times where I have had bigger issues in my relationship I have confided in family members, while remembering that they will always take my side. It just helps to talk.

But it's hardly going to be an impartial view from MN, as only the OP's views are presented, not her DH's.

You are making a lot of assumptions about the OP's DH, you have no idea, you only have a short description from a 500 word post.

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