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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Confused with the best way forwards?

14 replies

Herald · 03/05/2016 10:47

Hello I am a mid 40's man and have used and browsed MN for the last 3 years anyway I have been seeing someone for the last 20months and the relationship is predominantly very good ,passionate and loving on both sides we have had a few ups and downs as most people do over time. We don't live together but stay at each other's regularly, she has a 19/20 year old son who is charming but very selfish and has managed to get himself sacked from work stolen from his mum and now sits up all night playing games and sleeping all day while his mum does 10 hour shifts , absolutely nothing bothers him and he is happy with the way his life has become . My son is exactly the opposite works two jobs around his apprenticeship and also very happy.
We don't fall out over her son because I try not to get involved she defends him by saying he must have a mental issue ( I just think he is bone idol) .

Anyway that's the back ground and now the problem , we have just had a lovely night away in a major city together for drinks and a meal and she woke up yesterday morning saying that she has never been so down and she doesn't want to drag me down with her so I should finish the relationship for my own good and sanity, my exw had years of mental issues triggered by an alcoholic father and abusive mum and she brought this up that I 'deserve' someone better....I really don't want to be with anyone else and the thought of not being in her life is scary....
Am I trying to hold onto something that is never going to work ? As I said most of the time things are good but for the last 6 weeks it's been a bit up and down ....

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Iamdobby63 · 03/05/2016 13:06

Did she expand on why or for how long that she has been feeling down?

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Herald · 03/05/2016 13:26

She has days when all the family issues she has get on top of her but she always seems to be able to deal with it and be fine again, I suspect it's been building for the last couple of months .
I did ask what is making her feel this way and she doesn't know ..

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Iamdobby63 · 03/05/2016 14:16

It's just a guess but I suspect it's stress and worry over her son, I've known other mothers who have had issues with their children and have ended up with depression/anxiety themselves.

I think all you can do is to talk to her, keep trying. Are you certain that her feelings towards you havent changed?

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Herald · 03/05/2016 15:33

Thanks for the reply , I have just spoken to her on her lunch from work and she says she feels weak admitting the way she feels and it has been building up since the son getting himself sacked . I did ask was she ok with us and that doesn't seem to be in doubt so all I can do I try my best to be supportive through this tough time ..

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Iamdobby63 · 03/05/2016 15:49

Glad you have spoken to her further. Problems with offspring (no matter how old they are) are difficult, she probably feels a failure or that's she has missed something she should have done and doesn't know what to do to make it right. Just support her and make sure any action she may take is her own.

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Herald · 04/05/2016 09:31

Thanks for the words of advise , he does seem to be on a massive downward spiral without a care in the world , I will not interfere and support her with whatever decisions she makes ...

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Chlobee87 · 04/05/2016 09:41

Does your SS have a dad who could talk to him? I completely understand that you don't want to get involved, and I think your sensible to stay out of it, but sometimes a "man to man" talk can work wonders.

SS sounds very similar to my DB, also early 20's. To be fair, he does have a history of depression and self harm, but he is also terminally lazy and it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. Mum has always been scared to push him because she thinks he is too fragile. My dad is next to useless so in the end I asked my DH to speak with him (they are very close and DH has been on the scene since DB was a kid). It was all very "gently gently" and basically from the angle that we want to support him but that we are all worried he's essentially opting out of life by not working, not making the most of his degree and masters and that he was starting to wear my mum down because she was paying for him and picking up after him. Upshot was that DB had got himself a job within a fortnight (not his first choice, but something to tide him over at least) and is now going back to uni to complete his PHD. He just needed a bit of a kick up the bum.

Is there anyone who could do this for your SS?

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Herald · 04/05/2016 09:54

Unfortunately His dad is totally not interested , he sacked him , i have had a chat to him casually on a car journey and he listens says all the right things and then carries on as if the conversation never took place . I do think he maybe part depressed but also very lazy and selfish hopefully one day he will suddenly snap out of it and realise life lazing about is not a great life and realise the affect he is having on his family.

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ButIbeingpoor · 04/05/2016 11:12

Herald, you sound like such a nice man. Will you partner go to her GP? I am not a medical person but I know that depression can be an indicator of poor physical health, thyroid trouble for example.
The GP could check her over and point her in ways to help.
It must be very difficult to bite your tongue regarding her son, but that's pretty much all you can do apart from showing your DP your love and support.

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Iamdobby63 · 04/05/2016 11:23

He was sacked by his own Dad?

Do you know what he was like when he was younger, at school for example?

It's a tricky one as its in your partners nature as a Mother to defend or at least find excuses for his behaviour, ie must have a mental problem.

You are doing the best you can, supporting her without putting the pressure of 'you should be doing this or that' on her shoulders, and trying to encourage him to do something.

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Herald · 04/05/2016 12:11

Yes by his own dad but to be fair it's a multi national company in Edinburgh and he had no choice really after failed attempts to help him save his job. I think he has always been a handful from an early age even though his two sisters are no problem... I certainly won't tell her what she should be doing because it isn't my position although I know exactly what I would be doing if it was my son . I will try to have another chat with him this coming weekend but I do think I will be wasting my time .

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Iamdobby63 · 04/05/2016 12:56

Has he regularly stolen from your partner or just the once?

Trying to forget the above I think if I was talking to him I would say how sad it was that he wasn't 'living a life', that time is just being frittered away. Then I might ask him if he was happy and what help might he like to get himself out of this hole.

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Herald · 04/05/2016 14:14

He hasn't always stolen just a couple of times (once is enough) he has no financial self control so has got himself into a mess financially, I am going to have a 'man to man ' chat this weekend and suggest how much better his life could be IF he puts the effort in.

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Herald · 11/05/2016 20:24

Well the chat never happened he stayed out of the way , my partner has had some major arguments with him this week with him constantly asking for money and verbally abusing her when she refuses..this is really affecting her health and with me trying to be as 'diplomatic ' as possible it is all putting a strain on our relationship , I am starting to question where will it end up ?