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Husbands secret best friend

(170 Posts)
Nakedfingers Mon 02-May-16 18:34:01

Hi everyone I'm new here sorry if it's been done to death. Just found out my husband has a female best friend he has been keeping a secret from me. They claim they love each other as friends. He told her it had to be secret because I would go mad. Damn right I went mad! I get that I fell into that cliche but hey ho. I called her and asked to meet her and she said no because she would feel awkward. Am I right in thinking that she will happily have me think it's more than a friendship by her refusal to meet me. I'm nice we could be pals to but she's made me think it's more than just a friendship by her refusal to get to know me. Should I LTB?

magoria Mon 02-May-16 18:44:15

How long has your H had this friend?

To be honest the keeping it secret because you would go mad is a fucking shit excuse. It is the justification he gave to allow himself to do this.

Being mad is not a cliche it is normal behaviour from finding out your partner is a lying twat.

There may have been more which is why she doesn't want to see you. However she is not your problem.

Is he going to carry on seeing her? What is he doing to repair your trust?

I don't think I would be able to forgive this deception. If he can 'lie' about a 'friend he loves' what else can he lie about?

AuntieStella Mon 02-May-16 18:51:21

There's no reason to keep your good mates secret.

Absolutely appropriate to get angry about keeping secrets.

How long has this person been in his life? As he 'loves' her, quite some time, I guess.

You now know he has a capacity to keep secrets, and has somehow rationalised it that it's all because of you. It isn't. It's because secret-keeping of this sort is wrong.

whatswhat Mon 02-May-16 18:57:49

How long have they been friends? Does it predate your meeting or is it a recent thing? And what has he been telling you he's been doing when he has been meeting up with her? As someone with a male best friend that I've known since uni (and we are both now in our 50s) I can see why she doesn't feel the need to be friends with you but he should be doing everything possible to put your mind at ease. And also, nothing to do with the secret best friend, it would be the general lying that i wouldn't forgive.

Nakedfingers Mon 02-May-16 19:01:56

At least five years. He claims he won't contact her again. I have no way of checking that he will honour this. I have to trust him or ditch him. I wouldn't mind but I recently suggested we need some mutual friends as we are quite separate in terms of friends, I have many male friends but none of them are secret.

clarinsgirl Mon 02-May-16 19:04:27

She's not just his friend. You don't keep friends secret.

Nakedfingers Mon 02-May-16 19:06:45

PS I was here first. He has lots of female acquaintances he mentions in passing which I'm fine about. This best friend - no mention at all.

whatswhat Mon 02-May-16 19:09:38

I would say that the 'i won't contact her again' suggests something dodgy. If it really is a close friendship then why aren't they doing everything possible to make you happy with friendship so they can carry on being mates. In that situation, as the female friend, I wouldn't want to throw a friendship away and would instead be taking steps to include you, make you feel comfortable with the friendship.

Enkopkaffetak Mon 02-May-16 19:13:29

I wouldn't have a issue with the female friend. However her not wanting to meet .... red flag imo. Even if there is nothing else in it she wants there to be I think.

Lucyccfc Mon 02-May-16 19:14:00

I would probably keep my best friend of the opposite sex a secret, if I had a partner that would go 'mad' about it. Jealousy is really not attractive.

RaeSkywalker Mon 02-May-16 19:14:35

Yeah, this isn't good OP. If he's got nothing to hide, why is he saying he'll cut contact?

One of my DH's best friends is a woman, but he hasn't hidden her from me. I consider her a good friend now as well.

Pocketrocket31 Mon 02-May-16 19:14:55

Sounds well dodgy! Obviously more to it

Sunnybitch Mon 02-May-16 19:15:57

How did you find out about her? What have they been doing behind your back (meals, walks ect)?
Do you know how they met? Is she married/with someone?

Tbh I think it's rather drastic to want to leave him if you don't know all the facts. And just because he kept a friendship from you doesn't mean he's upto something shady....

I think you should get him to call her and invite her over for a drink and just get to know her. Because if she is a close friend and means a lot to him, then he will appreciate your effort to get to know her. However if he is against you meeting her, then I would be concerned and start to question the friendship a bit more

Temporaryanonymity Mon 02-May-16 19:16:17

I had a FWB type thing with an old friend. He wanted to keep our history secret from any future relationships we may have with others. I suspect he meant carry on with each other. For that, and a few other reasons, we are no longer friends.

The friendship isn't the problem, it's the secrecy.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 02-May-16 19:16:39

No way, not with her not wanting to meet.

Love each other as friends what a load of bollocks. So I suppose if you told your DH you had a best mate whom you both loved each other as friends but it'd only been for the past 5 years then he'd be absolutely fine about this would he? And never having met him too?!

Jog on buster....

Becky546 Mon 02-May-16 19:17:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nakedfingers Mon 02-May-16 19:17:59

He has no control over her actions and that is why I may (or may not) believe him, the no contact is her decision he would have gone along with me meeting her. I'm angry at his keeping it secret and I'm sure he will feel my wrath at some point but I'm FURIOUS that she has the nerve to refuse to meet me! Bitch!!!!!

Becky546 Mon 02-May-16 19:18:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becky546 Mon 02-May-16 19:19:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 02-May-16 19:19:32

Dodgier than a dodgy thing for 2 reasons....

1) if she was really his "best friend" he would want to introduce her to his partner

2) he wouldn't drop her like a hot brick to keep the peace

He is a liar, love

AnyFucker Mon 02-May-16 19:20:44

Ah, now you are being silly

She isn't the "bitch"...your deceitful husband is. Watch out, before too long you will be colluding with your him about what a bunny boiler she is

TheWildRumpyPumpus Mon 02-May-16 19:21:09

If you've been in the picture more than 5 years then how did he manage to meet, socialise with and become best friends with someone without your knowledge?

Much more likely that she's more than that or he'd have mentioned her when they first met, surely? Before they became 'best friends'.

HairyBigSpider Mon 02-May-16 19:21:12

So you find out about his very close 'friend' and she decides to cut all contact?
How did they meet each other?

HairyBigSpider Mon 02-May-16 19:22:51

How often were they seeing each other? Presumably quite a lot if they love each other.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 02-May-16 19:23:46

I would also be very suspicious, but then again, experience has taught me to be so.

My H had a female "friend" who I was absolutely "crazy" to think he could ever fancy hmm.

Until I found the sexually explicit Whatsapp messages between them that is! H had/has several female friends - none of the other friendships concern me at all - but something about the situation with that particular woman gave me a gut instinct that there was more to it. Even though, on the surface, it was just a friendship.

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