My exH has just recently requested a change in contact with our 2 children & I can't quite decide what to do for the best.
He currently has them for 2 weekends on, 1 weekend off. This was agreed because after his affair, he decided to live where he worked, and with the OW, which is 90 miles away. I obviously do all the weekly stuff with our kids - juggling working, all homework, my house etc on my own. I have to occasionally call on my mom if I am required to work late of an evening. I limit this as my mom has a health issue which means I don't really want her running after my rampaging pre-schooler.
The whole time we've been doing this weekend arrangement, he has been staying at his moms house, which is close to where I live. He has finally bought a house where he lives & has been dropping hints for quite some time about the almost 200 mile round trip he will have to do on a Friday & Sunday.
He's very manipulative. Everyone falls for this as he's also incredibly convincing as a nice guy - don't get me wrong, he's not a complete wanker - he pays for his kids & so far, he hasn't let them down. But he is very self-absorbed & quite clever at making out he does things for everyone else's benefit/the greater good.
He recently asked to change to EOW & offered to have them for some of the half terms (the whole week) to compensate for the lost weekend. The crafty bugger sent a long, long email detailing how it would be great for our kids as my elder one can play with her friends more, that my relationship would benefit with my boyfriend etc etc.....
Bear in mind he's just asked me on a run of bad news - my BIL has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer & is rapidly declining, I've just lost my job & my contract finishes in August & my sister appears to be having some kind of mid-life crisis, which is worrying me a lot.
I have pointed out to him in that I not saying no to this change - but I am already quite stretched by juggling all of this stuff on my own, whilst he gets to have all the freedom during the week. No school drop offs, pick ups. No midweek breaks whilst he has the kids.
I have already had his sob story about how OW had terrible depression last year as she felt guilty about their relationship. She can see divorces everywhere, the difficulty of blended families. I don't react to this - I bite my tongue as there's no point in me saying that maybe that's karma for you.
He's offering to pay for some kind of nanny service/childminder for any late nights I have to work if I need it.
To top it all off, I've had my eldest daughter in tears over this - prior to this, she felt that her dad puts the OW first. She feels this even more now. She points out that her dad is always saying he's skint whilst flying off all over the place with OW. They're holidays with their dad seem to be decreasing. He complains that he doesn't get enough time with OW to her.
I'm worried about how I'll cope with the change - as much as a big part of me thinks it would be lovely to have another weekend every month with my girls, I also know that I'm knackered by looking after them as it is. I'm an older mom, and I'm an introvert who needs time to recharge.
But more importantly, I am worried about my eldest daughters sadness about her dad. How she's increasingly angry about him. I think she's a bit hormonal these days but she's also showing some little signs of potential depression too.
I feel increasingly fucked off that life keeps bloody dealing me what feels like never-ending shite. I have now had years of really shitty things happening to me & my family, & every time I think to myself this could be the year that is a good one - some security, some stability - just to be bored by how everything is so easy, another big pile of shite descends.
Am I being unfair to say no to him? To be honest, I think I will end up saying yes - but my daughters reaction to this worries me. I need any decision to be about what is best for her & my other daughter - not what my exH wants.
With him, I think he is desperate to ensure his relationship with OW works - and I suspect that this is because if I that goes tits up, what will he have left? He'll have caused all this hurt & pain for something that didn't work out.
I could just do with some other perspectives on this - I want to make the right decision for me & my girls really...
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do I decide what's for the best?
16 replies
moonfacebaby · 02/05/2016 10:12
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.