Hi Matron. good to see you again.
Day 2 here.
Here to chat if you want.
Horrible row with P this morning. he pushed me again... he has no respect for me.
Really low. Having very dark thoughts.
I'm going to drink a pot of tea and then try to get to the gym. Even if just for a gentle swim.
I really hate myself and my life. There is nothing I can do about it because wherever I go, I'm there. I dreamed that I was so lonely living alone in my old flat and couldn't understand why because I was never lonely before. (I was actually but this was the dream). I forgot about my little girls and when I remembered them I knew what was missing. I phoned my friend who had them and she was all breezy and chatty about bringing them back later the same day. I was so relieved.
I'm afraid of losing them, I am afraid of what will happen with P and where I will end up and where they will end up.
I actually hate P at times. I had the stupid thought today that I might just take something of his and throw it away for no reason, something small but important like a key or some glasses. I would never do that and have never even thought something like that before. It is horrifying to me how much pleasure the thought gave me. he doesn't listen to me and I can't defend myself and it gives me such a thrill to think that rather than reason with him I could just hurt him without giving him a choice. Pathetic. I don't want to be that person.
I have been thinking about self harm and worse. It feels so difficult when there is no one on my side. It is hard to be trying so hard all the time, and failing, and to receive no encouragement or respect.
I hear you all on the weight thing. One of the constant pressures of failure is, tragically, what should be this rather trivial thing of looking shit all the time. I don't scrub up very well any more, I need to lose a lot of weight and I can't seem to buy clothes that fit me or suit me. I tried to make a bit more of an effort to try recently and as a result I am always surrounded by bags and packages of things that cost a fair amount of money but look shit on me because I am shit, and I am always having to find the time to return them or post them back. It's practically a hobby now, returning clothes that don't look good on me, it's a weekly chore. Im just not doing it any more. I've just decided to wear the things I have no matter how few fit me or how bored I am of them, because making an effort makes no difference and it just means it's a whole other thing to have to do and feel bad about. I have nothing to wear for the summer and I'll just deal with that when I get there, somehow, because trying to think ahead is just not working and it's depressing me. Maybe I will call in sick when the sun comes out, or something.