Mary Jane : the other woman

[northernshepherdess]

I met my partner 10 years ago.
He had not long been out of a bad relationship and she was still messaging and when she found out about me she offered everything she had to him. They have DC
One evening I went to make a tea at his flat and opened the drawer to find a tray with weed. He told me he smoked now and then but very rarely.
We had some little white lies about other things but he seemed genuine about that.
We'd been together for 3 years when I discovered how bad it really was... It was a daily thing sometimes starting at 8 in the morning but I only found this out after he got in trouble with his boss for it so decided to work for himself.
One day round that time, I brought it up and told him he really needed to put it in its place.
He didn't. In fact, instead he found ways of hiding it better. Making silly trips out etc.
The more he lied, the more I doubted myself and the better he got at hiding it.
He had always walked out but now it was a regular occurrence...sometimes involving hotel stops and taxis for £25 a time.
He walked out even through my 2 serious miscarriages.
He began using "spending quality time with his son" as an excuse to go places alone but all he was doing was going to people's houses to smoke weed.
Then his mother and my father were diagnosed with cancer. He began using spending time with her as a way of getting more smoking time. I'd drop him off and wait round the corner to see either his dealer arrive or a taxi arrive to take him to his dealer.
He would make all these sincere promises and complain I didn't trust him but trusting him has only bought him more time to smoke. When caught he lies, then when caught he lies a new tale... and eventually when he can't lie anymore he will walk out and go on a binge.
He demands that I do not make a scene, and that I keep it together even though he says the reason he's doing it is because enter stupid excuse here he dictates when we can talk about it which is never, and when forced he flips everything round on me. (He does have serious narcissistic tendencies)
We eventually did have a child but as soon as I became pregnant, he used it as a weakness and really started pushing boundaries by not only smoking but being insanely cruel too.
Eventually he promised to give up by the time dc was born. She's now nr 6 and dc2 is on the way after he gave up for fertility testing or at least I thought he did... which he started saying I forced him into as soon as I was pregnant.
For the first year of dc1 life... He was only here 6 months in total but separated into a week here, 12 days there etc.
He went to stay at his mum's for 14 weeks to get off it but just used it as a time to freely use undisturbed.
We were actually on the way to drop dc off when we were involved in a car accident. The car was still drivable and I got this mums to find him baked at 8.30 in the morning.
My dad died 4 days before his mum went into hospital. During the 2 weeks she was in there he had virtually nothing to do with me... but his dealer lived a few minutes away. When he got respite from hospital, he didn't want to be with us, he wanted to be at smoker friends. So I stayed home and kept life organise so he didn't have to stress even though I was grieving. Eventually I snapped and he decided the relationship was over. At that point, he'd spent all the tax credits, all his wage and borrowed £300 from his mum. She died 2 weeks after my dad and I was there for him.
He began using his mum's house as a smoking den, inviting his mates over so they could smoke together. I'm still at home with all DC.
That was 4 years ago... but nothing has changed.
For the last few months I've believed he'd given up. But the weed makes him sloppy and the tell tell signs are still there.
Eventually I got my proof of him hiding it in a new location. He'd finish work at 12 but not get home til 6, stumbling and slurring but denying it... The telltale cough and barely open slittd eyes. Remnants in the car and the stench of weed.
So after a hard day with my teen at her school... He disappears with the car again. I can't walk well, and there's no food because we were supposed to go shopping but instead he took 4 hours to do his 2 hour routine...
When I blew into a pregnancy rage about it happening again... He admitted it.
But now it's out in the open, he's back to doing it openly.
I've run out of strength as I suffer mh issues anyway, and he's worn me down and played that to his advantage.
We've has a million agreements but he breaks them all within days and anytime he doesn't seem too it's only because he's doing a better job of hiding it.
Where the hell do I get the self esteem to put a stop to it? This is the short version!

[SlinkyVagabond]

All his stuff on the step, lock changed. He has chosen the "ow", you are better off without him. I have someone in my life who could be like this, when he's off smoking you can't reason with him, if it's all the time, he's gone.

[PirateSmile]

He sounds like a catch.
I'm being sarcastic.
Get rid.

[inlectorecumbit]

he doesn't want to stop and his primary relationship is with drugs-not you and the DCs'
You have no relationship to save -he will not give up.
He needs to leave this time for good, do you want your DC's growing up think that having a drug addict for a DF is normal
If you can't do it for yourself do it for them.

[ImperialBlether]

Your mental health issues might miraculously disappear if you separated yourself and your children from this absolute loser. Why on earth do you have any contact with him at all? He's horrendous.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

He's an addict. You have given him umpteen chances to stop and he hasn't.

Please put his stuff out so he can be full time at his mum's old house, don't let him have any mail delivered to the house or use your address to get himself into debt and don't give him a penny.

Spend some of the energy you have had to use to deal with him solely on you and your children, and I think you will cope fine as long as he isn't there to drag you down.

[KatieDesperado]

I sympathise with you northernshepherdess.

My H has a relationship with Mary Jane too. I've realised recently just how much he spends on the stuff, at the expense of our family (he earns little and spends just about all of it on himself). He agrees it's unfair, but does nothing beyond saying he is sorry to show that he is willing to sort the situation out. Therefore, once my DD is finished with exams, it's over. Biting my tongue until then.

It's gone on for over 25 years. It's not got better, in fact, it's getting worse. He lives his life (and by extension ours) around it (holidays, days out, visits to family - all have to be punctuated by stops for a toke - so we no longer do any of them) and I don't want to be involved any more.

You're already doing everything for your household, aren't you? With him gone, you'll just be doing the same, but without having to wonder where his latest stash is, what he's doing at his mate's etc. He seems to bring nothing to your life. You might find that your self esteem rises once you cut him loose.

Good luck

[haveacupoftea]

Throw him out. He's a waste of space and you don't need him.

[Penfold007]

What do you want? You knew he used weed yet you decided to have a relationship with him despite having a child. You've gone to have a child with him and are expecting a second child. He won't change weed is his mistress.

[northernshepherdess]

When we met, I had no reason to believe it was anything other than occasional. I knew plenty of people using occasionally and that wasn't a problem to anyone.
By 2009, he didn't have work coming in, and he was using the working tax credits to fund it along with 1 day work a month. So he was forced to cut back to occasional use although sometimes he drew extra cash from my account if asked to get something from the shops and I wondered but it was rare. That was when I got pregnant. I've only ever got pregnant when he's stopped. He started getting work in regular and that's when I discovered he'd moved up to £50 a week minimum... only because so in so gave him a special deal because his bird didn't like him doing so he had to sell it off cheap so he was doing him a favour but after that he wouldn't be getting anymore ever. It was a lie but if I can't prove it, it didn't happen.
I found out after the dealer complained to me about the frequency he was visiting. He'd turn up Thursday for a £50.. then fall out with me and vanish. He'd then turn up sat after work after going to the dealer, for a chat about where we go from here. He'd promise that he would only smoke recreational with friends/a £10 a week/only 1 joint after work etc. Sunday we would collect his kid, he'd stop over, I'd drop the child off on Monday and on the way back he'd start a row and run off, just jump out of the car and run off... might turn up Thursday morning if I was nice to him on the phone on weds night. Each time he came back, we weren't in a relationship so I couldn't tell him not to smoke.
He'd promise he would only smoke with friends, so he'd go to friends all day everyday and he can never stick to a £ amount.
When I went into labour, he still buggered off to the dealer, said he'd be 20 min. I phoned after an hour and 30 mins to say I was about 4cm dilated and coukd feel the babies head. He was furious when he came back demanding to know if I was definitely in labour or not! He kept 'popping' out while I was in labour and after. I resent forever the stress he put me through. My pregnancy was ruined and he's doing the same thing now. He's a crazy liar. He'll even lie about putting something in the bin, say he did when he didn't, once told me he didn't know where dc wedding outfit was when he'd stuffed it in the bread bin!
For a while I was picking his mate (dealer) up, cooking tea, dropping him at work at 10pm, looking after newborn all night, picking them up from work at 6am, which meant getting up at 4.30am. Bringing them home. They'd stay up smoking til 8am then go for a nap. I'd get them up at 10 with breakfast and tea, drive mate home, pick up stepson, drop dh off at home so he could sleep because he'd been working, take children to play centre, go home and cook dinner then get him up. Same thing every weekend and in between he was diapering because hd coukdnt keep to our agreements. If pulled up on it, he'd warn me that if I carried on, I'd know what's coming... meaning he'd leave and turn off his phone.
He promised dc that he would be there for her.
He missed dc first illness, first day at playgroup, first day at nursery, I could go on... dc was admitted to hospital with an abscess in her jaw... DH walked out because I told him off for shouting at her for crying due to the pain. We went alone and we're released at 6am. I didn't hear from him til that night. Not even to check on dc. Instead he was at someone else's place getting baked because " my teen wouldn't give him the spare house key. " any excuse.
I guess it's not just the weed that's got me here... He controls a lot of my life but I never even saw it coming.. It was a friend who spotted it. It started with suggestions... you should stay in and get the house organised, he would 'advise' but if i didn't take the advice he would cut me off. He'd tell his mum what I'd done! But all I'd done is try to comply with his instructions. If we were due to go out and I raised any questions about his habit, he'd ban me from going! When I say ban me, I'm talking threatening to tell doorman nit to let me in, or uninviting me from parties.
I thought we'd turned a corner, and we went for fertility tests. He gave up smoking entirely as far as I know. As soon as the tests were done I found out he'd binged as soon as he could, he said it was a slip but I got pregnant during that time. He's not been interested in the pregnancy. He didn't come to the scan when I started bleeding as he had vanished the night before after going through my phone which he does a lot. All his stuff is secured, all mine must be open.
I've turned into a very weak person. I'm thrashed. The more things he's done to hurt me, like blocking me on facebook to let me know our relationship is over, or counterbalancing my you promised it wouldn't happen again with you promised you'd lose weight but look at you! He's told me our friends think I'm nuts!
(He doesn't have any real friends, and his friends are suppliers or reasons to get away from the house)
So im struggling to find the strength to change it.
He seemed just like me when we met, he had this bad relationship (and I know that's real) and said he didn't Want any more lies...but he's exactly the opposite of what he said he wanted from a relationship. He's nothing like me at all in reality but I was already neck in when I realised.
What a mess

[Kr1stina]

I'm sorry you're wrong . MJ is not the other woman , she's his wife . His primary relationship, his first loyalty, will always be to her .

YOU are his mistress . He'll fit you and your kids in when and if it suits him . He can take or leave you all .

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Reading this it's hard to understand why you are ferrying his dealer to your house, why you keep taking him back when he's moved out for
weeks and blocked you on FB, and indeed why you are having another child with him.

I know people on MN hate the suggestion for others to get counselling, but I really think you could do with talking this over with someone who's impartial and will hopefully help you work out what you are getting from this relationship and how you can achieve the end result that is best for you. Your self-esteem must be through to floor to accept this man as the person you are meant to be with forever.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Are you looking for a way to change him or a way to change the situation?
You know you will never be able to trust him, rely on him or know he isn't smoking. You can't change him.
So you need to find a way to change your situation to one which excludes him.

[northernshepherdess]

I need to change me. Get some power back so I can put an end to the relationship.
I've tried everything to work with him on it but I'm flogging a dead horse. And I can't trust a word he says anymore.
It's finding that power I lost and being strong enough to keep it up.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I suspect actually it's dawning on you that this is how your life will always be. There is no better time ahead.
You had strength and power and it is still there. MN is very good at prodding and supporting people who are willing to try to get themselves out of these situations. I have to go to bed now but have a think about what practical things need to be in place to free you. Then you can get advice on how to achieve them. And how to fake feeling strong until you can do it yourself :)

[Claraoswald36]

This thread is nuts. You are by default enabling this behaviour.

[Annarose2014]

I agree this thread is nuts.

There seems to be nothing OP wont put up with. She's not the OW, she's his Mammy. Tut tutting but always forgiving him. It's an utterly bizarre dynamic.

[Penfold007]

Let me get this straight, you are willingly and knowingly inviting a drug dealer into your house where the dealer and your H use drugs. When the police and social services get involved and criticise you don't be surprised.

[Claraoswald36]

I'm ss and I'm criticising. I would have serious concerns about mums ability to prioritise the dc. The mention of the bloke being able to spend the tax credits especially worried me. Also what are they witnessing?

[category12]

Op, you have tried really hard to make this relationship work. But now it's time to make the break.

[northernshepherdess]

Sorry.. The "mate" turned out to be his supplier. That part was 7 years ago. That mate stopped coming here after I went mental at them here. I put my foot down with regards to any drugs being here which is why he now disappears.
I came here because really, I've got so broken, that I doubt everything I think now.
I think that comes from being persuaded everything will change, being persuaded I'm being unfair by not trusting him and doubting myself then finding out I was right all along. He also asks my permission to make me feel more involved but then walks out because I say absolutely no fucking way.
He used to say was I ok with him getting one last little bit...last bit forever. I even made him sign an agreement that said it would be the last little bit after a third go in a week. He left 2 days later, vanished from the house for 2 days.
I've had, I know I've spent £100 on it but it's because I'm never smoking again. I let him off without going crazy and 4 days later he was at it again at another friends place.
So I've tried everything. My old friends are completely astounded that I turned into such a weak person. I wasn't like that before, very much no nonsense.
We bought the house together but he's paranoid so put it in my name. It's paid for.
My big problem is getting tough again. Not giving in. I've got in the habit of not arguing with him because that is the only part the children hear...but this is his favorite thing as he can pretend everything is ok and spins it on me when we do have talking space... what are you bringing that up for now... its like you're trying to cause a problem. If you want to carry on, you know what will happen. (He'll go off again)
My retelling is of what has been going on... A background really.
I do get the tenses muddled because for me, it's a continuation.
Now he has it at a different location and doesn't have it at the house at all. But only because I go outside and stand up to him and he doesn't like it, or me ruining his smoke.
I don't let him drive us if there's a remote chance he's been smoking.
So yes, I'm mummy.
I take all the responsibility for everything so in part, it's almost pushed me towards taking responsibility for his nonsense in the past. I don't now but still feel very insecure about my decisions.
What I know is
I can't have an agreement with him, because he won't stick to it ever.
I can't trust him because he lies all the time.
He doesn't care about anyone's emotional wellbeing. Anyone upsetting him is the cause of his use and anyone upset with his use needs to pull themselves together.
So, my question is... I need to get out. How do I make myself strong again... because he is going to pull all the strings to make me suffer enough to back down.

[Poppledopple]

You are so strong. From your posts you have it all worked out.

The three "C's" for those living with an addict of any substance are:

You did n't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

And you already know all of this. What you need to do now is find some OL and RL support to get him put of your life.

Draw a line in the sand right now. He is toxic to the health of your DC, you and your unborn child.

Change the locks. Get legal advice. Block his number. Close bank accounts.
Do whatever is practical to get rid of him. Do not engage with him.

You may want to contact SS or the police if he is harassing you as what he is doing is illegal and a threat to the wellbeing of your children.

Then use the headspace, energy, time, money, emotions you will have freed up to focus positively on the people that matter - you and your DC. So that you can give them the best. Addicts suck the life out of their partner - so that there is nothing left for the children.

Please look after yourself and move on for the sake of your children.

[YoureSoSlyButSoAmI]

See, when I read OPs like this they all sound essentially the same and follow the same pattern.

OP: sets out reasons her DH is a waste of space.

MN: leave the bastard.

OP: gives further examples of why her husband is a waste of space.

MN: yep, defo leave the bastard.

OP: more examples of why her husband is a waste of space, interspersed with why she can't leave the bastard

[northernshepherdess]

OP has all confidence smashed.
Despite knowing how completely capable she is... she just doesn't feel it's real any more.
She needs confirmation that she is right to feel that way, that she's not as confused as she thinks she is and how she's thinking is actually right.
It's also good to vent, especially after she's been totally cut off from everyone.
But mostly it's about confirmation.

[RandomMess]

1,000, 0000, 000 confirmation - ending is the right thing to do and you are strong enough to do it.

Why do you feel that looking after him is your responsibility, he's an adult!

Let him waste the rest of his life focus on keeping your DC on an even keel and see him for the addict he is.